In Personality Hacker Blog



This fall, Personality Hacker has taken on the ambitious goal of flooding our media channels with content on every one of the 16 Myers-Briggs Types. Each week we have been sending out surveys to everyone on our mailing list asking for feedback on their specific type.

This week is INFP week, and we have received the greatest response to our survey of any type so far. Over 230 INFPs took the survey and told us:

  • What the top 3 challenges of INFPs are;
  • What 3 things INFPs wish others knew about them;
  • What 3 books/movies/courses/events have impacted their lives the most;
  • What do they wish they had known as a 15 year old adolescent?

The responses were fascinating and we are grateful to our community for taking the time to share their deeply private observations.

In this article, I would like to focus on the last of the four survey questions – What do you wish you could have told your 15 year old self

Many of the answers shared some common denominators. So, I have broken them all down to 5 items INFPs wish they had known when they were 15 years old, in order of frequency. And since INFPs are the poets of the world, I have included some direct quotes.

#1 Believe in Yourself

In the survey, 19% of INFPs responded that they wished they could tell their adolescent self to be true to themselves and stop worrying about what other people think. This had the highest percentage of any other item. So, the best thing an INFP teen can be told is that they are okay just the way they are. Yes, they are different, and being different is not only okay – it is awesome!

Direct quotes:

  • “Don’t worry what anybody else thinks. You are you and that is all that matters.”
  • “Be true to yourself, always. Never be afraid of who you are.”
  • “Don’t try so hard to lose yourself and your pain in the service of others.”
  • “Stop worrying! Just be who you are supposed to be and not what others want or think   you should be.”  
  • “Be less self conscious. Appreciate the good qualities you are blessed with and don’t concentrate on your perceived inadequacies.”
  • “Don’t let other’s opinions make you hate yourself. Use the fire inside of you to warm the cold-hearted and use your understanding of human nature to bind up the broken-hearted.”

#2 Be Open to Endless Possibilities

INFPs path to growth and happiness is Extraverted Intuition. In the Genius System, we call it “Exploration.” 14% of respondents in the survey indicated they understood this important aspect of their personal growth. Many INFPs wish someone had told them to get out and explore the world while they still had their whole lives ahead of them.

Direct quotes:

  • “Do not aim for the norm. Don’t play it so safe. Don’t even try to be like someone else. Spend a lot of time learning new things. Allow yourself to be happy.”
  • “Experience is the greatest teacher.”
  • “Play hard, meet more people, and don’t decline opportunities just because you’re afraid of the spotlight. Don’t stop when things get difficult. It will all be worth it later.”
  • “Explore more in order to know more about yourself.”
  • “The moment is now. Pursue your dreams!”
  • “Aim higher than you think is possible.”

#3 Time Heals All Wounds

This next category surprised me in its intensity and frequency. 11% of INFPs wanted to tell their 15 year old selves that “things always get better.” As I read through the survey, I got a distinct feeling that there was a great deal of adolescent wounding in the INFP community. The overall message from adult INFPs to their younger selves was: “Things are never as bad as they seem.”

Direct Quotes:

  • “Life is bigger than any problems you think you have. Choose to love life and you can be happy – you’ll find a way to be happy!”
  • “Dig deeper to find what you love. Everything unpleasant will wash away in the river of time. Without direction…purpose…You will wander through life never knowing what it is you truly love(d) about it.”
  • “Don’t worry, adulthood will be a better fit for you than adolescence or childhood was. ;)”
  • “It will turn out okay in the end, regardless of whether you stress out or not. Hate is like a liquid which only destroys the vessel in which it is in, and doesn’t affect the person you hate. People are only human in the end, and events are only chapters in life’s book. Don’t set big expectations. Believe in yourself.”
  • “Hard times lie ahead. Even when all hope seems lost, stay true to yourself, persevere, and you’ll find your way.”

#4 Love Yourself

This next category may sound like the first, but it had some important distinctions. 10% of INFPs wished they could tell their 15 year old selves that they had value and mattered. Most important of all, they wanted to make sure their adolescent self started early the never ending project of loving oneself.  

Direct Quotes:

  • “You’re not perfect. No one else is either. People aren’t judging you like you think they are. You need to accept who you are – the good, bad and ugly – and know that we are all in the same boat. Learn to love yourself and value what you feel and think as important.”
  • “There is NOTHING wrong with you. Being smart and sensitive are two of your superpowers. You are wired differently from most people– stop trying to change and start learning to understand.”
  • “Have confidence, mate, and people will admire you for it.”
  • “Confidence will pull your life together.”
  • “You don’t have to hide who you are.”
  • “It’s okay to hurt inside. It never goes away it just takes you longer to understand why you feel that way. Stop cutting. Go for walks in the rain by yourself, listen to music, learn how to do something you love (and give yourself credit for being good at it). Do something for yourself that makes you feel special. One day, you will realize that you are a beautiful person. Learn to love yourself. And don’t give up on someone loving you.”

#5 You Are Not Alone

Teenagers are notorious for picking the wrong friends or trying to fit in with people who aren’t worthy of the effort. INFPs are no different. The only difference being the profound wounding that comes when rejection ensues – given and received.

8% of INFPs would tell their younger selves to spend time with people who actually matter. People who didn’t make the INFP feel like they, and their feelings, weren’t important. And 3% of that 8% wishes they had been more aware of the people who did matter and hadn’t taken so many relationships for granted. This is a melancholy statistic.

Direct Quotes:

  • “Don’t ever worry about or be ashamed of not fitting in – just find your people instead of trying to be someone you’re not.”
  • “You will find your people.”
  • “Don’t close yourself off from people. You will find friends that care for you. You are truly and most sincerely not alone. You don’t love who you are now, but I do. You will learn to speak up and not feel embarrassed about it. And, you will come to find a love that you’ve never known before. Embrace it. There are bigger and greater things in life than constantly feeling sorry for yourself. Go take a chance.”
  • “It’s perfectly okay to be “weird”. Some people find your quirkiness and mysteriousness intriguing. Those who are interested are the people who are worth your time.”
  • “Don’t take relationships for granted, including “trivial” acquaintances. In adult life, out of school, and without roommates, making friends takes concerted effort, as you won’t be immersed in a social pool of people your age anymore. A completely introverted lifestyle isn’t that rose-colored.”
  • “The best friends to have are not part of a clique.”
  • “”Take the lead on finding friends and don’t wait for them to find you. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the wittiest person in the room, just be nice, caring, and positive, and that matters a lot more. It’s okay to be different — in fact, it’s interesting. Mean people never disappear, but they do become irrelevant.”

Do What You Love

Some of the less common suggestions offered by INFPs were:

  • Don’t be afraid (7%)
  • Trust yourself (7%)
  • Do what you love (6%)
  • Don’t give up! (4%)
  • Don’t let anyone say you’re too sensitive (3%)
  • Nobody else is obsessing as much as you are, so get over it. (2%)

INFPs comprise just 4% of the population. They are the poets and artists of the world. They are the ones who keep us honest and guard us from losing our humanity in this age of technical gadgets and gizmos. They are our societal conscience. I shudder to think where we would all be without their humanity, art and insistence on authentic expression.

We have explored the things INFPs wish they had known as maturing adolescents. Yet, I think their observations can benefit all of us – across the board. Do you know an INFP – adolescent or adult? When was the last time you gave them the time they needed to make a decision most in step with their inner alignment? Or do you become impatient when their choices lag? Have you ever told an INFP to “Stop being so sensitive?” Do you know an INFP who is immobilized with indecision because of a lack of personal confidence?

Our purpose here at Personality Hacker is to help the world realize that each of us has our own unique gifts. Gifts that are so valuable to the world in general, that life as we know it would cease without everyone’s contribution. The first step is recognizing how we are all wired so differently. Then we must give one another space to be who we are – good and bad. Once each of us realizes we are in a safe place for authentic expression, we will be better able to bring our gifts to the external world.

Imagine a world where INFPs were supported in their visions of creative self-expression. What a beautiful world it would be!

Love to hear in the comments below what advice you would give to yourself as an INFP teenager.


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Charis Branson
Charis Branson is a Master Reiki practitioner, professional massage therapist, speaker, author and thought leader. As an INFJ (Perspectives/Harmony in the Genius System) she understands many of the challenges that the Intuitives in the Personality Hacker community deal with. Charis is the Director of Operations for Personality Hacker.
Showing 34 comments
  • Lias Malerba

    Charis, I find it amazing that our types are very close and that you are a massage therapist and Master Reiki Practitioner. We are both healers. I walked away from a high-paying corporate job because of the stress of my marriage to a person I thought I could “fix”, and because of the lack of confidence I had in my position at work. My indecisiveness has burdened me my entire life. I struggle with a rare disease that causes a constant runny nose and persistent cough, which doesn’t exactly boost the confidence. My agenda as an adolescent was to be liked and avoid conflict. I was the “neutral peoplepleaser”. I read somewhere that we are chameleon-like because we change to fit the situation. I despise the demands, the unreliability, the evil-enabling technology we use today. I enjoy people (like you) and information being at my fingertips but the rest of it, I can do without.
    I could go on and on…I appreciate your post. Be well my friend. Lisa

    • Charis Branson

      Thank you for the wonderful comment, Lisa! I hope you are finding more satisfaction as a healer. Be kind to yourself. 🙂

  • Mon

    I love the lessons. I am an INFP too. I got emotional and was taking notes. So sad to be in a situation where you’re emotions are so acute and hardly anyone to understand that intensity.

    • Charis Branson

      Thanks for the feedback, Mon. I’m glad the article resonated with you.

    • cindy

      yeah.. right… 🙁

  • Anthony

    I love that so many individual responses were included in this article! Reading through them all, knowing that none of these were probably written thinking that anyone but the Personality Hacker staff would read them, it’s very powerful.

    • Charis Branson

      Thanks for the feedback, Anthony! It means a lot. 🙂

  • Tara

    Had to come back and re-read this a few times, so much good stuff here! So many articles just reproduce and reword the same content–surveying and reporting on the results is such a great way to discuss the nuances of personality types. I think it’s especially effective for gaining insight about INFPs. Thanks so much for putting this together. I’m looking forward to seeing the rest of the results!

    • Charis Branson

      Thanks for the feedback, Tara!

  • mansi jain

    Being a teen and an infp i real would say we lack in confidence .we need constant motivation for self believe to achieve some thing . we need to believe ur self and have positiveness
    Its really needed for an infp to make an career

    • Charis Branson

      Thanks for the comment, Mansi Jain! Motivation is a struggle for INFPs. Keep exercising your copilot process of extraverted intuition and you will find motivation comes easier.

  • em

    I agree with this wholeheartedly.
    Only just realised that I an an Infp & ageing is really suiting my personality. I tried to be someone that I wasn’t growing up & did feel like a misfit, so quite a lot of hurt & rejection In youth, once I did MBT it all fell into place, & proud to be Infp, xxx

    • Charis Branson

      Awesome Em! I’m glad you have finally found some peace. 🙂

  • Ella

    Thank you so much Caris, this whole post is really helpful. As a teen INFP myself, I found lots of the advice relevant, and definitely connected with it. Too often I find myself worrying about other people’s opinions, and I spent the past 3 years of my life trying to be someone I’m not. This lead to constant rejection and hurt, and I just couldn’t understand why no one liked me.
    It wasn’t until I moved schools and started anew when I realised I’d just been trying too hard to please the wrong people. Now with new friends who actually seem generally interested in me, I have found myself overall a lot happier and more confident. Hope it stays this way!
    I guess all the trouble I experienced fitting in at my old school helped me realise who my true friends were, and, like mentioned in your post, I learnt not to take relationships for granted. I even realised who my best friend was, an INFP too, who had always stuck with me through thick and thin. I’m shocked it took me so long to realise my best friend had really been with me the whole time, and I didn’t have to go searching for such a great friend.
    Thanks again for a wonderful post,

    • Charis Branson

      Thank you for the heartfelt comment, Ella! 🙂

  • Lynn

    This article resonated with me on a deep level (infps) are deep people. As a teenager I wish I would have spent my time being me and not always being “on” so that I could fit in. As a 61 year old I isolate, and when I am with people, I catch myself going back to my habit of being on. It has exhausted me, but I am so much more aware of who the real Lynn is and I am learning to love me. Thanks for your in-depth research and truly helpful information. I wish all INFP teenagers could discover your website and discover their wonderful, weird self.

    • Charis Branson

      Thanks for the comment, Lynn. 🙂

  • Dolchi

    This is phenominal …

    • Charis Branson

      I’m glad you liked it, Dochi!

  • Gavin

    Hello I’m 15 and I’m an INFP. Reading this got me really emotional. I found out that I’m not the only one who didn’t really fit in. I had recently moved to a new school worried about what people would think about me. I tried to change myself in order to fit in and now I know that that’s not right. Thank you for writing this. It really changed my life for the better. Some people I tried to be friends with have just been treating me like trash and using me for pencils and I have been just going with it. Thinking very highly about what people thought about me I didn’t say anything or do anything and now I know what I should do. I should be myself and make better friends. Thank you so much!

    • Boniface

      Gavin–being a male INFP is even harder–our culture doesn’t have a lot of visible masculine INFPs, or a lot of masculine images that resonate with INFPs. But we do exist, and it is worth the struggle to be yourself.
      Don’t give in and take on a lot of masks to be more liked, or you will never be sure they are liking you or liking your mask. Be yourself, and cherish the ones who love you for whom you are.

      • Charis Branson

        Great observations, Boniface! Thanks for sharing.

    • Charis Branson

      Thanks for sharing, Gavin. If you can learn at 15 to be yourself and choose your friends better, you will have figured out something it took the rest of us years to figure out. Keep these lessons close to your heart and your future will be bright. 🙂

      (Btw, Richard Branson is a very successful, male INFP. His bio Losing My Virginity is a great read!)

  • INFP Woman

    I am 18 and I really needed to read this. I mean a lot of people says this things to me often but it’s not the same when you know these are words written by INFP’s. And the thing that I already knew and would love to tell my much younger self is – dig deeper in case to get to know and understand yourself. Thank you. And sorry for my English.

    • Charis Branson

      Thank you for sharing! You make a really good point. When we hear good advice from people, we may have the tendency to believe they don’t understand us. But when that same advice comes from someone who has the same mental wiring we know they understand us – maybe even better than we understand ourselves. I appreciate the observation. 🙂

  • Nicole

    I’m an INFP, and I just turned 15 this month. I found this article amazing and helpful. Thank you

    • Charis Branson

      Thanks for the feedback, Nicole! I’m glad you found the article useful. 🙂

    • Melinda

      So cute 🙂 (I’m 45, INFP – but here’s the thing, INFPs don’t grow up either 😉

  • Mike

    Dont avoid feeling deeply, its the lens thru which your intelligence makes sense of your experience. It wasent until much latter in life after feeling like Iv been living a half life because my reasoning and senses were used to hurt me or constantly invalidated I adopted a numb sort of reasoning logic to get thru adolescence. I denied my own hurt and wholeness at great expense without realizing what i was doing, I didnt fit in myself and blending into a world but feeling dead and confused just left me feeling even more isolated. Allowing myself to be free to fully feel whatever and everything brought every other part of myself back in line… Not following your nature is harmful to your health.

    • Charis Branson

      I totally agree, Mike! I spent a lot of time denying my nature in an effort to blend, too. That is never a good place to be. Thank you for reading the article and sharing your wisdom.

  • cindy

    Thank you very much…
    I found this just in time….

    • Charis Branson

      Thanks for reading the article, Cindy! I’m glad you found it, too. Be kind to yourself. 🙂

  • Barb

    Hi! I’m an almost 60 year old female that has been interested in personal growth my whole life. I remember being in grade school and having “deep” conversations with friends about the meaning of things. My biggest challenge was my relationship with my Dad who may also have been of similar temperament. I’m a very nice person until you cross one of my few moral codes. The voices raise and I go to my 10 year old self, the age that I was at the time! All those arguments were painful and had long lasting effect. Now, I have a great time with my Dad. I care give for both my parents and make sure all is well. I like being an INFP. I work with people with mental illness, some having experienced homelessness. I can identify with them and let them know I understand their feelings. It is very powerful and lovely to be able to connect with and provide real support for others. They trust me and my agency to help them. Building that trust matters. I am putting into practice my co-pilot Exploration. I know I’ve wasted a lot of time being depressed and secure in my memory spot. In reality, I love exploring and being a hostess to my friends in my little adventures. I am surprised that people find it so fun and me so risky. It’s great to be able to grow no matter how old we are.

    • Charis Branson

      Thanks for the comment, Barb!

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