PHQ | QUESTIONS: How Can A Feeler Man Romance A Thinker Woman?

16 comments

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  • JP
  • July 30, 2015 at 4:01 pm

  So, to sum it up, how would you impress an INTJ female? Also, does it make a huge difference on what type you are? Just curious. One more question: what would your general view be for an INTJ and a ESTJ relationship?

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  • Charis Branson
  • July 23, 2015 at 11:01 pm

  Thanks Amanda for giving us a little further insight into the heart of the feminine thinker. It always helps to have multiple perspectives. :)

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  • Amanda LT
  • July 23, 2015 at 10:14 pm

  I wanted to weigh in as a thinker female married to a feeler male (INTJ/ISFP). Listening to this podcast, I thought repeatedly that your ENTJ female is incredibly fortunate to have a man interested in her who wants to understand her that deeply. What Antonia is saying about needing to feel feminine really rings true – my husband won me over in the beginning by being very assertively romantic – red roses and dinner dates – but I’ve had men write me poetry and wanted to gag. It’s got to be genuine and tuned in to her. Just as you all discussed, it was important that he planned and took charge in that arena as much as it was that we were doing something overtly romantic. I wish he had retained more of that over the years!

  INTJs and ENTJs both have Authenticity and Sensation in the backseat, and looking back they were both powerful for me when I was dating. When I was Micah’s age, my relationships were often too driven by my 3-year-old Sensation – my inner hedonist. I have that typical hard shell with a lot of vulnerability beneath it, and a physical connection would break through that shell. Also, though, that Authenticity piece for me means that I wouldn’t fake attraction that wasn’t there (very bad at setups and blind dates), and I had zero patience with someone trying to “put on the moves” without a real connection, which is why your sincerity will appeal, too.

  It seems blunt, but if you’re still wondering if she wants you, then you should probably kiss her like you really mean it, and you’ll find out. If you wait too long or you’re too tentative, it may turn her off. Other sensory pleasures like good music, food, wine, etc. will help bring Sensation to the forefront.

  That said, the PH post on how different decision-making styles express and experience love really resonated with me. Effectiveness is only my Co-Pilot, but it’s this ENTJ’s Driver. That probably means that “go with the flow” may not be the best approach at all. If you show that you can take control, at least in some areas, then she can relax, get out of her head, and not worry that she’ll have to take over. Good luck! I’m a little jealous!

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  • Scott James
  • July 23, 2015 at 6:20 pm

  Totally! Well said. I think that’s a real challenge/opportunity for feelers in particular. We’re just not going to authentically identify with what our culture seems to promote as masculine, so if we’re going to figure it out then we need to get down to what it’s really all about.

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  • Joel Mark Witt
  • July 23, 2015 at 5:57 pm

  Great points Scott.

  And in the words of one of my favorite movies of all time…

  “We are a generation of men raised by women.” (Fight Club)

  In the world of single parent homes – often a male figure is absent as boys are growing up.

  So boys take their cues from the “masculine culture” they see around them and either end up becoming a caricature of a man (ie hyping up the swagger – focusing on possessing “Man toys” like cars/motorcycles – giving into aggression/anger too easily – or in more extreme situations – outright misogyny).

  Or boys growing up listen to their moms and take the “nice guy” route and reject turning into a caricature of man. This leads to becoming a big wimp that allows everyone to step over their personal boundaries and dictate their lives for them.

  It’s my opinion that both of these extremes are not manly.

  We need true masculinity. We men need to show up self-possessed and decisive while balancing that with compassion and thoughtfulness.

  It’s not about making people happy (the wimp route).

  It’s not about swagger (the caricature route).

  It’s about securing the perimeter. It’s about being present and owning our actions as men. It’s about staying true to our word. It’s about something greater than ourselves.

  This is why David Deida’s material is so powerful. He gets away from stereotypes about what it means to be a man – and goes straight to the heart of the issue – masculine/feminine energies.

  Of course it’s hard to make real men feel bad about themselves – so marketers HATE these ideas.

  Marketing professional know it’s much harder to manipulate real men into buying their products that promise “manliness in a pill.”

  Long response to an already excellent comment Scott. Thanks for furthering the discussion around this.