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PHQ | QUESTIONS FROM COMMUNITY: In this episode, Joel and Antonia answer a question about INFJs being the rarest type.
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24 comments
I’m looking at my written MBTI score, and like you, my score was close on some things, where I feel like I can be super-logical in some instances… but not all; I generally am more ‘successful’ in my decisions if I go with my intuitive feeling.
Raw point score, showing preference; larger number indicative of type.
E – 1 I – 20
S – 12 N – 14
T – 10 F – 14
J – 20 P – 2
My therapist gave me the written, 78 question MBTI several years ago and scored as INFJ when I was 40. I’ve continued to test as INFJ in the 5 or 6 online tests I’ve done. During my childhood/adolescence, I was categorized as “agoraphobic”, “schizophrenic”, “living in a fantasy world”, “shy”, “antisocial”, etc. Middle school was hellish, being a person with really varied interests who never fit in. The inept guidance counselors there only did the ink blot tests, and their verdict was the above mentioned “diagnoses” — imagine if I’d been given the MBTI back then! At home, my single parent mother was domineering and hypercritical of me – I now know she’s a narcissist and ESFJ. She continually told me (and I often read between the lines as an intuitive) that I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t extroverted and social like her. “Oh, just come out of your shell!” “You need to make more friends!” “You’re too into in music, and are becoming obsessed!” – Ha!! Music was my escape from everyone who told me I was broken, flawed, crazy, “too scared to go to school”… My introversion was a character “flaw”, and forced interactions (and I did try to do as I was told and be social, because I bought into the school’s and my mother’s BS) made me feel like an alien, and like there was something seriously wrong with me. I hated it. My spirit was broken when I was forced to be someone I was not. I loved being by myself, even for days! Leaving home at 18 helped, but I didn’t realize my type until more than 20 years later. 30+ years of therapy, and not a single therapist thought to do the Myers Briggs until I was 40. “First do no harm”, eh? But I do feel blessed that I was able to learn about being an INFJ… and sometimes I have to remind myself to tell the 13-year-old hurt and grieving me that I was really OK back then… they (mother, “educators”) just couldn’t relate to such a rare type. There were less than 1,000 kids in my middle school, so only 10 or so INFJs, statistically speaking…? Once I learned my type, it was like a thirsty man in the desert who encounters a cool, sweet stream. I WASN’T a fruit loop?! I was a rare type?! I was really OK?! Hotdog!! It was liberating and heartbreaking at the same time. It was ok to like heavy metal and play with dolls at the same time? There were OTHERS like me?!! Successful others like me?!! WOW!
As an adult INFJ who’s trying to learn and heal from all that rejection and pain, I still encounter sensors and others who just do not “get” me. I’ve also encountered other people I know who tested as “INFJ”, but I don’t think they are— knowing them personally, and knowing how different they are from me – LOL – my mother the social butterfly, member of many clubs, get-out-and-run-for-public-office, who didn’t understand her INFJ daughter at ALL — she even tested as INFJ on an online thing, so I question the validity of some of those online quickie tests. She even commented, “Like mother, like daughter!” – which HORRIFIED me – we’re not alike, and she just doesn’t want to believe that. She’s def. an ESFJ. ES is oh-so-different than IN. Another person I know well got the same INFJ result – they are definitely NOT INFJ, but ESFJ, the same gregarious, needs lots of attention and social interaction personality like mom.
I agree with you, Wulfex, that sensors (like my mom and the other person I mentioned) just aren’t much interested in learning their type… when my mom did another MBTI and got the ESFJ result, my ISTP son and I read through the extensive description on the site… Yep, that was her, to a T! Mom didn’t have the time or inclination to read through any of the descriptions, just took the opportunity as a narc to say “YOU are like ME”…. even if it was patently untrue. Was it because of her Myers Briggs type, or from the narcissism…?
I also agree that we can learn from each other. My sons are ENTJ and ISTP, and I love learning about their types (ISTP son said, “Yeah mom, bro is TOTALLY like that!”), as well as my bully mother. I’m sorry you were ostracized… whichever type, don’t we want to feel accepted and supported? Don’t we all share a little bit with everyone, whichever type we are? I can relate to the "_N_J and the “I___” with my sons somehow… And YES, I can relate to the “__FJ” of my mother, even though we are all totally different. And we each carry snippets of the other letters— part of me is ESTP, I guess…? Each a unique snowflake, no matter the type. And each of us has our own cross to bear.
And I’m STILL obsessed with music!! Now, it’s without shame, because I know it’s good for me- always HAS been, and there’s worse things to be obsessed with. It’s amazing to learn what some of my favorite artists are on the MBTI… Jon Anderson from Yes (they were nominated to the R&R Hall Of Fame this year) – is INFJ, and when I learned that, I was like, “Gee, everyone else thinks he’s a whacko, or can’t understand what he means. No wonder I always felt like my mind and soul shifted into a neutral/intuitive space when I listened to his lyrics— he’s the same type as me!” That sort of thing really resonated with me- that an INFJ can be successful, and we don’t need to feel marginalized anymore. There are so many outlets now than there were all those years ago.
I am an INFJ. I took a Myers-Briggs
2 step type indicator test a few years ago, it was huge, seems like it was 400 questions or something. I am an experiential, critical INFJ, because my F is very close to midline and a little out of context in some areas (ie I am more critical and want proof first rather than being immediately accepting and trusting) I often come up as a T on the little online mini tests. Even yours! But in comparing effectiveness to harmony, I am definitely harmony. I think perhaps many people are taking these little online tests and reading a few things and trying to self type based on likes and dislikes as opposed to how they learn or make decisions. I really like how you guys have described the different functions as it makes it so much easier to understand and explain.
As to why there seem to be INFJs coming out of the woodwork, I’m sure it’s as you’ve said, we are more comfortable sharing online and we desire a community where we feel accepted. That coupled with the fact that, for me anyway, I have a strong desire not only to be understood but also to understand others, especially those I’m closest to. Personality typing is not an end all of course but it does give me another tool that I can use to better understand how the brain of my loved ones works, if I can understand how they process information I can better relate to them and also be better equipped to help them grow, which is what I most want for them.
I have found many who claim also to be INFJ so I had a similar question, only these are people I know in person, not online. I know at least 4 other people that say they are INFJ (and I don’t have a real large community) so I’ve wondered if it was so. Where did they get their assessment? Are they certain? To be honest, of the 4 of them there is only 1 that seems accurate to me. In fact there is 1 other that I can’t see it at all. At All! But then I think, well how well do I really know her? We’re not besties or anything so who am I to say she doesn’t learn or think that way? But it still confuses me a little, I just don’t see it, and if this type is so rare then how are there so many in the mere 150 people I know?
As to the type bullying, I haven’t personally seen it (but then, am I bullying by questioning my acquaintances, not to their face of course?) But I’m not entirely surprised by it. Unfortunately the internet lends itself to that more than any other place. People who would never do so in person take it upon themselves to get embroiled in arguments or pick on others because there’s a certain amount of hiding that can be done behind the keyboard. It’s probably as you said, people who are not confident enough in themselves that they feel they must question or ‘call out’ anyone else in order to try to feel special. When are they gonna learn that that doesn’t actually work? I for one am glad for the info provided by you and others, no one test is going to tell us who we are, that’s not really testable, but having tools available to better understand my husband (ENFP) or my older children (female INTJ & INTP) is something I am very glad for and I thank you guys for the work you do to put it all into to layman’s terms for the rest of us.
I kinda like being ‘rare’ (suprise!) But even if I’m not as rare I think that would be ok. Some of the things that make INFJs special are some of the things the world could use a little more of anyway.
I couldn’t resonate with this more. I think the reason why INFx’s gather here, or even INxx’s as a whole gather here is because we grow up thinking we’re broken or we feel like aliens. As I went through college, I continually felt more broken. Thoughts of “Why don’t I ‘get it’ like everyone else does” or “Do I have ADD?” streamed through my mind. I just started googling things, which eventually brought me to MBTI and INTP/INFP/INTJ/INFJ forums.
Anyway, because we grow up in a world of sensors, that feeling of being broken or different causes us to gather. The few INFJs in the world now have a place to share their experiences. I also feel that probably most sensors won’t discover MBTI because they fit in with the world. If it’s not broke don’t fix it. So I would say online statistics will be skewed because there are communities of people that just know that they’re not quite the same as everyone else.
The other thing you mention about, I’ll call it “type bullying” is kind of sad. I thought I was an INFJ and on forums, INFJs were so upset I was there. They were right, I am an INFP but a few of the forum members made it their duty to ostracize me. We could all learn from one another, the person’s type doesn’t make their input irrelevant. :)