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In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about coping with emotional triggers in your life.
In this podcast you’ll find:
Our triggers help us to shine a light on the dark space of our own feelings of inadequacy.
Triggering happens for all of us. If you want to find out what your triggers are go to an online community like Facebook.
We are emboldened by the anonymity of the internet. Things we would never say to someone’s face we will say to a total stranger on Facebook.
When we become triggered, our emotions make us think they need immediate expression or we may die.
Triggering is related to some ancient programming.
A trigger is anytime your ego feels obliged to defend itself. Our ego is there to keep us alive. When it takes a hit we feel obligated to fight.
If the ego allows itself to the see the trigger for what it is – which can be feelings of inadequacy or something within that needs attending to – then a door may be open to change. If we change we are no longer the same person. That part of your ego dies.
That is what happens in personal development. We go thru many stages of ego death and become unrecognizable to ourselves. The part that want wants to keep us physically alive hitches a ride on the ego and thinks we need to stay the way we have always been in order to survive.
Begin by recognizing what a trigger does for the individual. It is a service that is provided by the outside world.
Drama Triangle vs Empowerment Dynamic podcast
- We create our experiences.
- We are challenged to change and evolve.
- Coaches help us along the way.
How do we create the best world we can? By allowing these triggers to shine a light in dark places and see what needs attending.
When someone in our world triggers us we project onto them that they are doing something to intentionally harm us. What if it had been written a hundred years ago and that person was no longer alive? Would you still be offended?
There is a seductive nature to being offended.
Indignation gives us a boost of inspiration to get us into action.
Righteous indignation feels good and we can get addicted to it.
Detox from that emotional addiction so when we do feel triggered we can be more aware.
A very empowered way to understand triggers is to feel gratitude to the person for bringing attention to something we may not have been aware of.
If we can get to a point of confronting triggers with gratitude instead of anger we will have reached a space where we can control our triggers.
Everyone should be taking responsibility for their own triggers. We can’t force someone else to take responsibility for their own triggers. We aren’t on this earth to make other people pay for the wrongs we think they have done.
Rumi “If you are irritated by every rub how will your mirror be polished?”
We see ourselves through other people and vice versa.
Every trigger is a gift.
Don’t let the triggers gain mastery over you.
Righteous indignation is the fast food for the soul. While fast food tastes good initially it has a bad long-term cost.
There are greater longer term benefits from more positive emotional intelligence.
Use the same thing that causes the trigger to get you out of the experience. If the trigger is around pride and ego, then you can attach yourself to a higher ethic of pride like:
- How do I want to see myself?
- What is a better ego stance I can have?
- What other things can I be proud of?
We have the ability to slow the process down and not have the reaction to triggers that can get us into trouble.
Avoid taking action in the moment of emotion explosion. Wait until there is no emotion attached before you decide to respond.
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21 comments
Thanks for the comment, Meg! You make some really great points. The key is getting past the emotional explosion to the logical analysis. Which is why it is so important to step away and cool down.
This podcast came at such a good time! I have actually found myself being triggered in two completely ways this weekend. The first is that I am out of town on vacation and my new boss, I feel, is taking advantage of this and sending emails to our director that are my ideas. Logically, I know she is trying to make a name for herself. Illogically, I am not happy that she was hired to handle the budget but because that doesn’t keep her busy enough, she is focusing on doing my job. I am trying to work through this by remembering I only have 2 years to retirement. Sometimes, like this weekend, my ego isn’t very cooperative! The other incident was with my husband. An absolutely wonderful man in so many ways. However, he can be a bit selfish. Whenever we go out of town, he will go down and get breakfast but doesn’t bother to bring me anything even though I brought him breakfast two mornings in a row. We’ve been married 25 years but honestly it makes me crazy. It’s such a little thing that I feel perhaps I am the one that is selfish! Am I?
Hi Corene! Thanks for the comment. I come from a similar background and it took me awhile to process the anger and resentment I felt over the time I had wasted on my family’s religion.
For me, it was a slow process of finding my voice in more productive ways. I journaled and wrote blogs pouring out my feelings and making my voice heard for the first time. I also came to the gradual realization that I had wasted enough of my life on that religion and I wasn’t going to waste any more energy on it. I unfriended or unfollowed everyone on Facebook that kept posting pro-religious sentiments. And the ones who didn’t like my anti-religious sentiments soon unfriended me. When I am around people like Mormon missionaries, I remember that I used to be just like them. They firmly believe they are doing the right thing. And if they have peace and happiness in their chosen vocation, let them have it. I would kindly inform them they are wasting their time and close the door even if they’re still talking. They will soon give up.
All of this takes time. I don’t know how long you have been out, but healing is a slow process. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get on with your life. Try all the things you weren’t allowed to try. Go out for a beer. Buy a cigar. Go to a strip joint. Start living your life and the anger will fade.
I hope that helps.
Happens to me all the time. But i always put across one thing – the application of logic with empathy. Most triggers are caused by people being thoughlessly judgemental without any attempt at empathy. But its illogical to assume most people think exactly as we do and to not attempt to judge at face value….so triggers become really controvesy causing scenarios. So i lf i do end up losing to the urge to set some one right…i do try to keep in mind the other persons response to a hsrsh message which might not be the best way and just put across points on a fundamental base of logic plus empathy. I guess triggers will always ve there causing people to respond… but its up to us how* we choose to respond and get our message acrossmmhopefully without causing too many triggers in return!
I’m wondering if you could discuss how to handle triggers stemming from a fundamentalist religious background. My husband and I have left the church of our childhood and I find it’s hard to be around or view Facebook posts from friends and family from that background without being triggered. When Mormon missionaries come to the door to evangelize, I am so triggered that I am unable to speak and end up acting rudely in order to get them to leave. It’s hard to slow everything down when they are standing at my door and won’t leave….