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In this episode Joel & Antonia talk about sharing your personal growth with others and the challenges that can arise.

 

In this podcast on Personal Growth you’ll find:

  • We recently had a conversation with a younger friend who was depressed. She expressed how stressed she was when giving people help and advice.
  • How do you make someone understand something that’s life changing for you? What’s the best way to share something very meaningful for you to them?
  • The relationships you have account as the biggest piece in your personal development.
  • If you make big changes and you start becoming healthier and become a better version of yourself, you will mirror to other people, their bad behavior.
  • We also don’t know where other people are at. Some of them may make progress but we don’t always see it on the outside – oftentimes it’s an internal process.
  • Understand that others are in the stream of their own development and it’s not really for anyone to judge where they’re at.
  • Most people are interested in improving themselves at least to some extent.
  • Most people would like to be in a better place than where they’re at now.
  • If you are interested in Personal Growth, it’s something you’ll never graduate from. You’re gonna have to continually refine and work on how you go through no matter where you are in your journey.
  • People are on different levels of their personal journey. Do we just completely leave them alone or help them in the process?
  • Trauma Triangle. People will see the world in terms of victims, villains and heroes. When you get caught in the drama triangle, once you put yourself in one of those 3 situations, you need to find other people/situations to fill in the other two spaces.
  • Empowerment Dynamic. Empowerment Dynamic is the antidote to the Trauma Triangle. Instead of having a villain, you get a challenger. Instead of a hero, you get a coach who’s somebody who isn’t there to save you but might just be the person you need at that time to provide wisdom that you capture and run with. Instead of victims, we have creators. People who create their world as oppose to just being at the receiving end of the world around them.
  • If you discovered personality development tools that have massively changed your life, you can share them with other people. However, if it’s no their thing, it doesn’t mean that they’re not making progress within themselves.
  • Personal development is like and exercise for your mind. The more you use and focus it, the more you become better at it.
  • If you want other people to follow your path/tool in personal development, just be happy and continue being successful.
  • When somebody is hostile, that doesn’t mean that they’re unwilling to do personal development.
  • For the majority of us, we are still working a lot on our personal development. Understand that not everybody is in the same path as we are, sometimes we have the tendency to put ourselves in the hero role where we feel like it’s our job to fix other people.
  • Sometimes we can overvalue our growth and we’ll see somebody else’s growth as a reflection back to us (for example, a past bad behavior) and we tend to assume to that they’re not as developed as we are.
  • Be mindful that we really don’t get to determine where somebody else is at in their journey but we do get to determine how they’re going to impact us.
  • Using the language that people already use will help a lot in helping them understand you better.
  • Is this something you’re currently experiencing? Do you have a strategy that you can share with the community? Let us know in the comments section below.

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Showing 15 comments
  • Caroline
    Reply

    What an interesting podcast and it came up at just the right time! Diving deeper into personal development has actually helped me not to be disappointed when people never use the tools I tell them about. Now I only share insights with my friends and family when I think that the information is helpful for our relationship and their understanding of me.
    So my girlfriend (ISFJ) totally gets me when I (INFJ) say: “I know that sensual experiences are very important to you but as an intuitive I can talk about ice cream flavors only for so long.” Explaining the fundamental difference between our minds (S and N) has really helped us to understand eachother better (although my girlfriend and I use the terms „abstract“ an „concrete“ because they work better for her). She has also asked me not to talk about her type that often because she’s not comfortable to be constantly analysed and I understand and respect that. Still I want her to talk to me from time to time about my findings.
    I am not asking people to dive as deeply into those topics as I do but expect them to listen if the information I discovered is relevant for our relationship. I don‘ think that people who refuse to listen to you even when it directly concerns them are incapable of leading a healthy relationship with you.

    • Antonia Dodge
      Reply

      Yeah, I agree. It’s sometimes easy to confuse our interest in certain tools as a sign of growth in and of itself so if someone else isn’t interested we misinterpret it as a lack of interest in growth. It’s awesome that your journey has helped you clean slice the difference with your girlfriend.

      Thanks for the comment!

      -A-

  • Su
    Reply

    Ideally, personal development should’t be accompanied with all these added stress from people around but it seems to come in a package. I have picked up the skill to ‘judge’ who could be open minded to hear my experiences and who couldn’t. (I do feel that it is very strange that people could not accept diverse personality or typology but conveniently accept Horoscope as a fact).

    How does a healthy personal development should feel like? I mean, it’s not like you are able to know because it’s about moving to a better space; a space that you have never been before. You may imagine that space, but the reality is you’ve never been there?

    For me, it felt like a fish moving to a different pond. I remember many years ago when I’m exploring a new belief system, it really got me disconnected with my ‘old pond’ as I got sorta ‘accepted into a new pond’.

    Things didn’t just end at that pond. I think my Exploration mode kicked in and I was seen as weird and rebellious. Belief system is not something that I decide for once. I think it is discovering process.

    Of course that was like leaving that pond and I’m all alone to explore my growth. And when I was listening to this podcast, I realized I did not project myself as being contented or happy to the people in my close circle.

    Wish it could be better. Instead of jumping from pond to pond while embracing growth, I want to just make my pond bigger.

    Or maybe this only happens to me. Not sure how others will describe their experience. My co-pilot is Exploration (Ne) so it makes sense that time and time again, it just feels like it’s time to get out from the usual and get into different things.

    Thank you for this 🙂

    • Charis Branson
      Reply

      Thanks for the comment Su! A couple things came up when I read it. First, like you said, it is hard to know what personal development looks like for everyone. I think we have a tendency to assume everyone should be projecting development the same way as we do. Then we judge those who we consider not as evolved as we are. (I constantly have to remind myself not to do this.) We are all on a different journey, with different levels of evolution and growth, and different ways of manifesting that growth.

      This podcast really reminded me of Joel and Antonia’s Tribal Leadership podcast. Especially Joel’s quote: “The rising tide will raise all ships.” If we can stop having an us-versus-them mentality and start to focus on our growth (without judgment), we can bring benefits to those around us just by projecting that positive growth mentality.

      Thanks again for your comment and for being a PH podcast listener!

  • Kylie
    Reply

    Loved this episode. Interestingly enough, it came just a little while after I had made similar epiphanies. I’m an INTJ, and have twice in one year dated INFJ guys who eventually told me they’d like to be better. Having a knack for processing lots of data and wanting to fix systems so they work, and yet completely bulldozing past the fact that those skills are hardly ever directly transferable onto other humans, I tried very hard to find answers I thought they’d need. Suffice it to say, INFJs are incredibly independent and forced their boundaries once they sensed I was trying to change them (I viewed it as help them change, but semantics…). Later I realized my skills are not to be employed directly on humans, and that people honestly do best when they find their owns paths to developing themselves. I also realized what Joel brought up at the end: namely, everyone’s going to have a different vocabulary for this stuff. I LOVE MBTI, but that doesn’t mean all other intuitives are going to, too. In fact, I’ve only met one other intuitive that’s into it as much as I am. So finding different words for the same processes and changes doesn’t have to be something that’s sad and isolating. It just means I can expand how I use my tools and also make them appealing to others (in the best and not manipulative ways possible, of course ). Anyway, great podcast.

    • Charis Branson
      Reply

      Thanks for the comment Kylie! Sounds like you have learned some valuable lessons. I am constantly having to remind myself that the rest of the world has a different perspective than I do. But I think such realization is invaluable because it reminds us to just let people grow in their own way. 🙂

  • Barbara
    Reply

    Makes me think of “don’t cast your pearls….” Good thoughts.

    • Charis Branson
      Reply

      Diddo, Barbara! I find myself quoting that scripture almost on a daily basis.

      Thanks for listening! 🙂

  • mentsh
    Reply

    “They figured out a way to relate to you in a way that’s useful to them.”

    That’s perfect. I love the way you reframed that concept, thanks! And the way the drama triangle fits into all of this…great, great connection.

    “There’s no way I have enough energy inside of me to do personal development for two people.”

    That statement is like a knife cutting through cords of codependency for me…and the whole conversation about how you can value someone else’s role as their own creator, while not being obligated to let their journey be a part of your own.

    Gotta say, I don’t think it’s so much about “being happy”, as Antonia said at one point about attracting other people to the growth process, but more about being authentic (even when that’s not “happy”) and managing your own energy/frequency/whatever…taking ownership of your own self and your own space, respecting other people’s freedom/responsibility/ability to do that for themselves. It’s a culture of honor, and people are drawn to that sense of honor and space. It’s *real* for them, rather than enabling the denial of the darker stuff inside of them.

    I really appreciate how vulnerable you guys were about your relationship in this podcast. Helps me to understand the perspectives of some other people in my life.

  • Kelly
    Reply

    Listening to your podcast makes me feel like I’m in my own ‘Trueman Show’ .. Sereously! They’re allways so unbelievably appropriate for my current situation! I had a rather heated conversation with my other half (following the PHQ podcast on my question ‘2-3 INFJs in one house’) so he listened to it (uncomfortably) and then we discussed the INTJ type (he really tried to get on board for me but in the end it just pissed him off) So it ended in an hour long explanation by him to me as to why it’s called ‘PERSONAL development’ because it’s my personal journey and not his and that there’s no way in the world he could relate because it’s all in my head… This effing hurt. A lot. It felt like a big old slap on the face. It also kind of scared me, I worried what does this mean for our relationship? What if no one likes the ‘enlightened’ me? What if HE doesn’t? Sure I’m happier but I’m also a lot more comfortable having my opinions and feelings and not hiding them. I used to be quite submissive or easily controlled (not in a 50 shades way, get your mind out the gutter 😉 hehe) and now I can stand on my own two feet and I’ll stand up for myself, I’m not just going to roll over anymore! In some ways I can see he’s proud of this and in other ways I can see it makes him uncomfortable and I started to feel guilty for not blending anymore!! I’d a actually be pissed off too if the person I fell I love with, stared a family with became a different person seemingly overnight.. Anyways.. A lot to think about in this podcast that I believe is relative to my lil story there lol Great podcast. It came at just the right time 😉 thanks xo

    • Charis Branson
      Reply

      Thanks for the feedback Kelly! In my experience, personal development isn’t always something we can opt out of. There are tons of people who live with their heads in the sand and thereby avoid anything that implies growth is required. But if you are aware – at all – personal growth will find you. Even if you try to ignore it cognitive dissonance will set in and life will become so untenable you will be forced to recognize the need to change.

      Does that mean your relationships will all crumble? Not necessarily. My husband has never really been on board with a lot of my personal improvement stuff, but when I look at the past 13 years (our entire married life), I realize he has made some pretty significant strides. All you can do is focus on the requirements of your own soul, show consideration for those in your life who are impacted by your change, and realize that life is meant to evolve.

      • Kelly
        Reply

        Thanks Charis! I appreciate your personal story (especially the part where your still married even tho your husbands not into personal development) love a positive story to shift my perspective 😀 I agree, I can’t help it anymore! I just want to grow, learn, be a better version of me! A happier more relaxed version 😀 the longer I go on the journey the more it seems the journey to happiness IS happiness!! Even the painful parts or the parts of myself I don’t want to know about, are there for a reason and I may never know the reason so I’m quite happy to shift perspectives to see it from a happier angle I don’t care if this is technically insane, it’s working for me lol
        Thanks for showing me that the tools are available! Right now! in my own head!

  • Mark Caudill
    Reply

    Great podcast with a lot of great reminders, I use to try and tell people about all the good things I read and learn about but now I just meet them where they are and only talk about personal development if I know they are into it.

  • Dan
    Reply

    Hello! I’m burning through all of your podcasts from the beginning and I so completely wish that I had heard this earlier on in my personal growth journey. I think it would’ve given me a much more clear perspective on what embarking on becoming a better version of yourself looks like. I’m really glad that this is online now to give insight to people in the future.

    I think my start was particularly jarring to my friends and family. I’m an INTP and a pretty classic poster boy for the type overall. I was always praised for being calm and in control (robotic?) in stressful situations, but ultimately they didn’t realize that I was just numb 90% of the time and completely out of touch with my emotions.

    After a weekend seminar (at a time in my life where I was incredibly depressed) I really broke into my childlike wonder. I mean how better to wake up and energize an Explorer co-pilot than an experiential seminar? The results were not at all what I would’ve expected. It ranged from people thinking I was brain washed or in a cult to them extremely hesitantly trying to re-engage with me.

    Years (and many seminars / books / trainings / mentors) later I now relish that feeling and am much better at making space for where people are at, but it can be rather frustrating when you know amazing people and you truly want to play a bigger game with them.

    Thank you again, this is going to be go to material for people I meet that are starting their own journey and are looking for clarity on why their relationships feel like they have changed.

  • Bobby-Jo
    Reply

    Cannot rate this podcast’s value in my life right now highly enough. 🙂 – INFJ

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