In Design Your Ideal Relationship, Podcast, Relationships

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In this episode Joel and Antonia talk about applying Systems Thinking to your romantic relationships.

 

In this podcast you’ll find:

  • We don’t believe in cause and effect thinking anymore.
  • We believe everything that happens is an emergent of a whole system running.  
  • Systems Thinking podcast
  • A great system to apply to relationships.
  • Systems are made up of different nodes, or parts, that interact and influence each other.
  • Cause/effect thinking is so inaccurate it is futile to consider it.
  • If we don’t like an effect, we tend to seek out the cause, and it becomes a blame game.
  • As a society, we steer away from systems thinking because of its complexity.
  • We prefer to dumb things down and create habits and viewpoints that are inaccurate.
  • Cause/effect invites blame. Blame invites contempt. Love cannot survive contempt.
  • Our spouse is not the cause of all of our problems.
  • Systems thinking empowers us to change the things we don’t like.
  • When a relationship is struggling, ask yourself what nodes changed that resulted in the conflict. Stress at work? Improper diet? Illness?
  • Change the nodes instead of seeking blame.
  • The honeymoon period ends, and couples enter the power struggle phase. No one is to blame. It is a natural part of a relationship.
  • Bruce Muzik podcast
  • If a person seems cranky, ask yourself what system is creating the crankiness.
  • Change the thing, the node that is creating the emergent.  
  • When you realize that there is someone you can blame for all your problems, your brain heaves a sigh of relief because it has figured out the problem.
  • You haven’t solved anything. You only think you have. Zoom out. There is never just one person to blame for everything.
  • Going from cause/effect thinking to systems thinking is an infrastructural shift in your mind.
  • You will change the way you look at the world.
  • Seeing relationships and family as a system is a good way to start using this system.
  • Individually, everything runs on 3 different categories: physical, mental, emotional.
  • We are all influenced by external and internal factors.
  • So you have a physical component that is internal, or individual, and a physical component that is external, or environmental.
  • Same applies to Mental and emotional.
  • Physical:
  • What is your health?
  • Are you getting enough nutritious food?
  • Are you exercising?
  • What is going on in your physical environment?
  • Do you live in a town where healthy food is harder to find?
  • What parts of these things are affecting you?
  • In a relationship, what are the physical components between the two of you?
  • Is everyone getting their physical needs met?
  • Do both see the value of taking care of themselves physically?
  • What are the impacts of the internal physical dynamic of the relationship and the external physical factors that influence the relationship?
  • Emotional internal and external influencers.
  • What is the heart relationship?
  • Are you keeping interactions positive?
  • Are you making sure you have a date night?
  • Are you conscious of each other’s love languages?
  • How do you speak to each other?
  • External emotional would be the relationships that surround you.
  • In-laws? Friends? Grandchildren? Siblings? Workmates?
  • Don’t let off steam by taking your frustrations out on your partner.
  • Address the node that is causing the problem. Don’t deflect onto someone else.
  • Once you figure out the actual issue, it is a long-term sustainable fix.
  • Other nodes that can impact a relationship:
  • Beliefs, Graves Levels, Mindset, self-awareness, ability to introspect, personality types, life experience, political alliances, etc.
  • A lot of things can contribute to the success or failure of a relationship.
  • There is a difference between a cause and a catalyst.
  • One of the best ways to stop yourself from projecting blame on your spouse, ask yourself what the catalyst is that got you thinking a certain way?
  • Make sure the system of YOU is running well.
  • Write down a chart of physical, mental, emotional, internal and external.
  • Write all the things you believe about yourself in those categories. What are the influencers? How are you doing?
  • After that, try diagnosing the struggles you are experiencing.
  • Blaming the other person for issues in yourself isn’t based on reality.
  • We can also use Systems Thinking for the things we want in life.
  • What can you do to create the nodes that bring the thing you want the most?
  • What are you doing that is inhibiting the thing you want?
  • Systems thinking is a way to design your life and get the things you want.

 

 

 

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Showing 3 comments
  • Kim
    Reply

    Wow, so you just laid out my relationship with my mother in law. Our personalities clash, we’ve had a few “incidents” and it all started after I had kids!

    Just today, she merely sent me a text which instantly triggered defensiveness and anxiety. As I grappled with how to respond, I felt myself get angry and I started getting upset at my kids…taking my frustration out on them. I have not figured out how to talk to her (and I avoid it at all cost, she loves to pry and gossip, which I can’t stand). I’m INTJ, she must be my exact opposite. She simply doesn’t understand why I don’t want to get group manicures, drink wine and giggle! *facepalm*

    Thanks for putting this out there…very helpful. I love you guys…I tell my husband you are MY extroverts…Antonia, you’re MY T-woman…a mighty woman. I’m not sure I’m up to the task right now of telling my mother in law exactly why she’s like nails on a chalkboard for me. At the very least, I’ll know what’s triggered me and, maybe just go drink some wine…alone, quietly…with my unpainted toenails!

    • Holly McIntosh
      Reply

      HI Kim!
      Thank you for sharing your experiences
      with us! We love hearing how PH fits in
      with ‘real people’ in the ‘real world’! Also-
      It’s my humble opinion that wine makes
      most things okay again! Hang in there 😉

  • Lazar
    Reply

    Can you recommend books on Systems Thinking? The basic principle pls

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