In Design Your Ideal Relationship, Podcast, Relationships

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 In this episode Joel and Antonia discuss three steps to optimize your romantic relationship.

In this podcast you’ll find:

  • This podcast will build on some of the previous podcasts on relationships.
  • Most people have aspects of their relationship that they would like to change.
  • One of the biggest challenges in a relationship is a lack of clear vision as to the desired outcome of a relationship.
  • What outcome do you want in your relationship?
  • We have this idea that relationships should be organic and spontaneous.
  • Since attraction is organic, we think the relationship will continue in the same vein.
  • Focus on the things we do want rather than the things we don’t want.
  • What kind of relationship do you want?
  • When we have a clear outcome, we know when we are getting closer to it. But when we don’t have a clear outcome, we will create markers of success to determine how we are doing.
  • These markers of success are other people’s relationships.
  • However, we only get to see external aspects of another relationship, so we experience dissatisfaction based upon a limited amount of info.
  • Other people’s relationships have their own system. You may be comparing apples to oranges. They are different people with different needs.
  • Gain clarity in areas where you may be unrealistic about your expectations.
    • Do you have a list of deal breakers? Are they realistic?
    • Ideal, perfect relationships don’t exist.
    • How do you want your life to look?
    • How do you want your relationship to look?
    • How do you want to feel?
    • Are you showing up at your best?
    • Are you overly idealistic?
    • Do you really want a relationship?
    • Are you willing to grow and change to get what you want?
  • Your highest likelihood of success comes from working on becoming the best version of yourself.
  • Why do you want the things you want?
  • What makes them so important?
  • Can you build flexibility into the outcome and create principles instead of rules?
  • Don’t hyperfocus on what you want.
  • Look at the system of your relationship as it stands.
  • Systems thinking podcast.
  • What is happening in the relationship?
  • What can you change?
  • Do what you can with the reality around you.
  • Get clear on the outcome then ask, what are the nodes that are not leading to the emergent you crave?
  • If you feel your spouse is the node that is creating an issue, you may have to make peace with that. You may have to shift your perspective.
  • What are you bringing to the table that could be causing the disruption?
  • Often the blame we project on our spouse is based upon something we bring into the relationship.
  • It isn’t their problem. It is ours.
  • Now that you have clarity around what you want, and what the current situation is, ask yourself: what action can you take?
  • This isn’t about what you want as much as what you have control and influence over.
  • You don’t have control over your spouse or your in-laws. You only have control over yourself and how you choose to perceive the situation.
  • Identify the actions you have the ability to take that will shift the system in the direction you want.
  • We can have high levels of influence even if we have little control.
  • Influence is very powerful. It is how we persuade other people to come to our way of thinking.
  • When we try to control a situation, as opposed to influence it, any change is temporary.
  • Influence helps us to align our desires with other’s desires, which may mean compromise.
  • In any relationship, the only right a person has is the right to leave. Everything else is negotiable.
  • If you choose to be in a relationship, you have entered a contract where you must negotiate everything with that other person.
  • Relationships can terrify us when we consider how little control we have.
  • None of us have full control.
  • In our choice to share our lives with another person, we must learn to align our desires with the other.
  • Recognize you are in a three-legged race. Influence each other to do the best you can together.
  • Be clear about the path you want to be on.
    • Do you want to be in a relationship with this person specifically?
    • Or do you simply just want to be in a relationship?
    • What is the system running in your relationship now?
    • What was the system running at the time that created the emergent that is causing the problem?
    • Over what parts of the relationship do you have influence?
  • Assuming happiness won’t come until the other person makes the changes you want will never be successful.
  • Infidelity is a catch-all phrase to apply to a lot of different contexts.
  • Some people have a hard time staying loyal to one person.
  • Some people have some emotional issues that are creating the dynamic of infidelity.
  • What was the system in place that created the lack of integrity in the first place?  Can that integrity be regained?
  • Sit down with your mate and ask,
    • “What is your desired outcome for this relationship?”
    • “What do we want to accomplish at the end of our lives?”
    • Are there any obstructions to get you to the place you want to go?
    • How can you both tackle those obstructions together?
    • What strengths and weaknesses do you both bring?
    • What can you take responsibility for as individuals? And as a couple?
  • Don’t forget to have gratitude for what you have instead of wishing for something someone else has.
  • 3 Nodes discussed in this podcast:
    • Find the outcome you both want
    • Understand the systems running that may be contributing to the outcome or detracting from it
    • Taking action and responsibility for the things that need to be done to reach the desired outcome
  • Have you implemented a similar system in your relationship?
  • Tell us about it.

 

 

 

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Showing 3 comments
  • samar
    Reply

    This is really insightful. Putting systems thinking into practice is a great art. Have you ever thought of doing a MOOC on this? This sort of strategy will have its greatest impact when large numbers of people buy into it.

  • Holly McIntosh
    Reply

    HI Samar!
    Thanks for the feedback on the
    MOOC idea! It’s not something
    that has come up for discussion
    but you never know! 🙂
    ~holly

  • Tigger
    Reply

    The best version of our self, that is something I have been thinking and planning allot lately after all this reading and watching of self improvement videos. I have started a business, but want allot of flexibility. At the moment I working on being happy and focused in myself, so that a relationship will always possible at any point and i will always be in a place to find one.

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