Podcast – Episode 0392 – Making Peace With Your Parents (Part 3)
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In this episode, Joel and Antonia continue a podcast series started several years ago – talking about how to deal with your relationship with your parents.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- Joel explains why he and Antonia are going to visit her father who has been given just a few months to live – this trip could be her last chance to see him.
- Listen to part 1 and part 2 in this series to hear more about Antonia’s story.
- How is Antonia feeling right now?
- Antonia shares some of her history with her family.
- What’s Antonia’s approach to handling the situation as they embark on this trip?
- Why does Antonia feel it’s important to share her experience through the podcast?
- Examining the importance and prevalence of the biological ties we have to our family.
- What happens when you have ideological conflicts with those you love?
- “Disconnection burns time” – looking at the potential cost of being righteous about the differing opinions you have from the people in your life.
- Why people use social media as a way to project their own struggles as ideologies onto the outside world.
- How our loyalty to future abstractions can rob us of our present relationships.
- How is the personal growth work Antonia has done impacting her response to this situation?
- Why it can seem like we’re taking steps back in personal growth when we encounter people from our past or an earlier point in our growth journey.
- How is Joel feeling about the current situation?
- How can you show love to the people in your life who have different paradigms and worldviews?
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Hey Antonia. I’m only a few minutes in and I would like to speak to something you brought up, around thinking that this subject is not interesting to anyone but you.
I think I hear some insecurity here and I would like to reassure you that your personal episodes are the ones that speak to me the most. As an INFJ, I love hearing yours and Joel’s personal stories; stories about your relationships, wins, challenges, and everything in-between. I came onto your site today looking for exactly that kind of episode.
Having had a lot of experience in INF communities, I can say confidently that there’s a large population of people who are hungry for personal, intuitive, vulnerable conversations like this one. For me, they cut right to the heart of what’s important. Your stories help me remember the purpose of these models.
Thank you for being brave enough to share part of your story here. I am so looking forward to listening to the rest of the episode!
With care,
Another A
Hi, Antonia and Joel! Thank you so much for this podcast (and the two previous installments). I listened to it on the plane on the way to see my family for a memorial service. What stood out to me the most was the idea that people will be faithful to an ideology up to a point, and often that point is our imminent death. Not only was this helpful in the context of dealing with some of my family members, but it was important for me to notice in myself, too. Antonia, I really appreciate your vulnerability. I somehow missed Part 4 – going to listen now. 🙂 Thanks, again. Love you guys!
I really appreciate the podcasts and info that you both provide!!! And I appreciate coming outside of the Profile and talking about the Enneagram and family dynamics and experiences. They are all inter related anyway. You said that stories of one’s own experience can sometimes be helpful.
My experience with my family (British parents – mom was ESFJ, dad was ISTP, PTSD from WWII in British Army). I’m an INFP. I like your term ‘firmware’. It is very helpful. My experience is that even firmware can be dislodged. My mom died last year at 97. For many years I held a lot of resentment about what I didn’t get as a child – especially emotionally and spiritually. I hung in with my mom, visiting her every week, having her at home for her last days, and being with her for her last breath. It was all the right thing to do. I learned so much about myself from being with my mom. I healed so much emotionally and spiritually, not because she changed but because I could grow those parts of me that had stayed young within the relationship.
After both taking the Myers-Briggs, I told her that I thought she never understood me. She agreed very authentically and innocently and also said she still doesn’t. I feel I have been releasing, processing, grieving, getting angry, not at her, but processing all those feelings I was told not to feel as a young one.
Another resource that was helpful to me was Michael’s Brown’s “The Presence Process”. He says that children are emotional/vibrational beings until 7ish. I have found the healing of firmware (some of it anyway) to be experienced emotionally and vibrationally. Though some cognitive insight arises with the discharge of emotions.
Thank you for all that you bring to helping us understand ourselves and each other!
This was such an immersive and beautiful conversation.
I was especially intrigued by Antonia’s observation around the re-activation of old programming in situations that trigger feelings we had before we built resources for handling them. This is massive a struggle for me.
Around family & friends from childhood or younger adulthood, I often fear that if I don’t “properly articulate” my perspective on a topic then it means my thinking is incomplete or faulty. The feeling sometimes appears as a nagging sense of betraying my values. Yet the loyalty to the values often creates distance from myself and others, and I usually end up going against another value, to connect, so it creates negative emotion any way.
You’ve mentioned in previous podcasts that Introverted Feeling feels driven by a need to resonate with people and experiences “at an identity level” so that might be what’s happening.
the ideas here (as well as those in the narratives vs. tools episode) really gave me some freeing perspectives.
It’s useful, as you say, to consider that values and programs are software and our connection to the flesh is the hardware. There’s a loyalty toward the hardware that’s hard to outpace because it’s also our connection to immediacy (the present moment), which is really all we have. this is in many ways the message of death.
I also really liked Joel’s comment that essentially we’re missing out on opportunities for growth by only being around people who share our beliefs.
The conversation also reminded me of a Terence McKenna statement I love;
namely that
It’s against my dignity
as a body to accept
some ideology.
This podcast is so eye opening and curiosity inducing, and I always finish with multiple article and/or song ideas.
Sending both of you love.
Thank you!
-A-
Sometimes “separation” (cutting people out of your life), while still maintaining a feeling of Love for the person is CONDUCIVE to one’s growth and development, not to mention physical, emotional, mental, spiritual health. But I agree that “coming back” to interact with the person after a period of growth is a good test as to where you are at and how much you’ve grown.
Thank you for the comment. If it wasn’t easy to infer from the podcast, I should make it clear that we weren’t talking about relationships that are toxic/unhealthy/complete, but otherwise healthy relationships that are disrupted by simply seeing things from a different perspective. If one has to stop talking to family or close friends because they don’t agree with their religious or political affiliations, then separation is a form of ontological hiding, not spiritual healing.
-A-
Ditto to what both John and Vanessa said (you know, besides locations). Having heard your voices in my ears for a couple hundred hours, I hope on a very personal level for your whole family’s best. Been praying for y’all!
William
Thanks, William. 🙂
-A-
I hope you had a meaningful week, best wishes from the other side of the columbia.
Thank you!
-A-
How are you ???
I’ve been following you for years, I’m used to your deep content where analytical and wise discussions happen rather than emotional stuff, but here…
I mean, you guys are always discreet on what you’re going through in your lives and that’s obviously normal, but on this last podcast I was on the verge of tears almost all the time. Please give us some news. This was not a light matter. None of what you do is, but in that very personal case for you Antonia, I had to jump on my keyboard to write something here just to tell you that we, as your audience, are really attached to you as “people” too ( I don’t know if you’re aware of that ). So what I mean is I really hope you’re ok :)))
Vanessa from Paris, France.
Thank you! The next podcast will talk about the experience and I’ll catch you up. 🙂
-A-