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In this episode Joel and Antonia tackle the question… should you only date certain Myers-Briggs personality types?
In this podcast you’ll find:
Does type predict a good/bad relationship?
The short, unhelpful answer is – NO, you cannot predict a good relationship based on MBTI.
The longer answer is – Sometimes.
There is an entire system running when it comes to an individual – culture, Enneagram, Myers-Briggs type, etc.
We forget that attraction isn’t a choice. It is just something that happens to us.
I would caution anyone who limits their dating pool to ideal MB types. You are removing the element of surprise. You may find your ideal type just outside what you consider as acceptable.
Where most people start is which MB types are the most compatible?
The more helpful place to come from is what do you, as an individual, find attractive?
If you are making individual decisions based on massive broad-brush rules, you might have a bad time of it.
Shared values and interests are far more impactful than type.
Enneagram is another strong predictor of compatibility. It determines how a person deals with stress.
Lots of different demographic breakdowns we can look at that will influence one’s ability to maintain attraction and long-term compatibility.
If you break things down to the theoretical level of type, there is a danger. There are lots of other factors that go into a relationship than just type.
In business, just because somebody is of a certain type doesn’t mean they are the best one for the job; or, that they should be discounted because they aren’t of the right type. Character comes into play.
What should you be looking for?
What are you attracted to? Some people are very attracted to a particular cognitive function.
How willing is the other person to work on the relationship?
Can you get some of your needs met outside the relationship?
The rule is there to serve you. You are not there to serve the rule.
Are you becoming the type of person that is going to be the best at who you are so you can attract the most amazing person in your life, no matter their type?
If you grow yourself, you are going to have to shift how you find compatible people. You may not be able to find dates on singles sites or community events. You may need to broaden your horizons and travel to a distant conference where you will meet others on the same personal growth trajectory as you.
The ultimate message is you can’t predict compatibility by type. The biggest node of the system is who you are, and who are you trying to become?
Typology can become rather insignificant when two people who are on the same trajectory meet.
Typology can come into play, but shared interest is paramount.
Type is only one node in the system of the emergent of attraction and a good stable relationship. Not the only node.
Not cause and effect. Just because someone is a certain personality type does not mean they are going to be your best match.
If you are on a personal growth path and that is your primary focus, type becomes a much smaller indicator. Finding a person on the same personal growth path as you is going to be bigger.
If you aren’t on a personal growth path, type may be a bigger node in the system because it will predict compatibility in ways that may prevent conflict.
Conflict is harder to manage if you are not on a personal growth path.
People on a personal growth path prefer conflict because it points to areas of growth opportunity.
If you are in a pair bond relationship, and you are feeling fatalistic about it, your partner may be your opportunity for growth.
Conversely, if you and your partner are creating a dynamic that is perpetually conflict oriented your relationship may be complete.
Typology is a tool that has its uses. In some situations, it is more useful than others.
Let your pleasure and bliss guide the process. Don’t serve the tool. Let the tool serve you.
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18 comments
You might be interested in the answer from RamsesThePigeon from the following reddit post:
https://np.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/34aqsn/women_of_reddit_what_about_men_baffles_you_the/cqsxgvl?context=3
In my experience with personal development, I find that that too can trigger the ego in others and often shows up as an insecurity, more it can trigger fear of abandonment in others that are not on this path. Anytime that I made it known that I was on this path and or showed it I was met with frivolous threats. If however when you are on this path and partners are more detrimental then not in your efforts to improve I’d see that as a good reason to complete a relationship, especially if your efforts are being derailed or it becomes toxic as in you being threatened with incarceration or threats of violence, would be my tipping point.
Many coaches often suggest that you can’t change another, yet you can encourage them to make changes, however some coaches will also say that you can change or improve within the relationship to better the relationship even though I think it has to be done quietly or secretly if the relationship is toxic, considering that improvement can be seen as a threat to some people. So I suggest caution in those cases. Progress for me was slow due to the nature of the relationship I was in. I hold a ton of certifications in various coaching disciplines, however I dared not open a coaching practice for fear that it would be seen as a threat. So I wait, just have six years left then I’m free to do as I please.
Antonia and Joel are correct when they say that Myers/Briggs is not all there is and you must have compatibility in values, principles, and virtues I believe to be the best judge of another’s character and they of your own. To me there is no compromise on mature love. I personally don’t care what personal challenges someone has I more so care about what are they doing about it, what responsibility and accountability to they take in overcoming it. I won’t take responsibility for them as they are not little babies, however if they are growth orientated then I’m on board with all the support they need as long as I’m allowed to grow too.You know I love FPs to pieces, however for some odd reason, other then they tend to have challenges with fear which then gets projected onto me as if I’m headed out of a relationship with them. I have developed my Fi and by way of Fe neither being my strong suit in communicating how I feel, still has not helped in making them feel safe. I honestly thought that my lack of Fi development made me seem emotionally unavailable, so I opened up, however I think that maybe it’s not really my problem, it’s just that I’m so responsible I make it so and in turn have created the dynamic that I should solve their fear issues. Oops my bad, I’m too darn efficient at everything. So I think this begs the question, how do I focus on the effectiveness to create balance in a relationship dynamic? Do I just pretend to be the strong silent type that’s not emotionally available, and assuage the FP’s ego by way of them thinking they got me to open up? To me that seems dishonest and not something this INTJ is wanting to do because it conflicts with my virtues. Is there a way to use the term " It’s not what you say but how you say it" that matters, to creatively solve this issue?
I am actually agreeing with you more than disagreeing with you.
Antonia and Joel, a really outstanding podcast. I got quite a few insights from it. Thanks for doing what you do. :o)
Hey Andrea, I’m an INTJ and had a question of curiosity for you in regards to fear of conflict. I’m really curious to know how this dynamic plays out in a romantic relationship with your TJ husband? Every INFP I’ve come to know seems to have a challenge with self doubt and fear of conflict, while being an introvert I think naturally I’m not big on conflict myself since much of it is fruitless in resolving an issue. Particularly for me I don’t let issues that are serious go, because of the damage it causes to a relationship. I have built my Fe function so that I can be more approachable in terms of connection, however whenever something happens I notice that the INFPs I’ve known have withdrawn, and when I attempt to connect to them in a non aggressive way such as ask if they are OK, or would it be alright with them if we talk about it and let them know that their actions are hurting me. Funny as it may seem me being an INTJ I still enjoy intimate connection with a partner and I wondered is their a particular way to approach an INFP to connect and overcome any issues before they build into resentment? Fe and Fi are not my dominant functions and I built on these for the purpose of having better relations with others.
I’d appreciate anything you could tell me that would enlighten me. Thank you in advance.