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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about shifting focus from looking for Mr or Ms. Right to becoming Mr or Ms. Right.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- Some people have an idealistic perspective of how love/relationship should look.
- They also have an idealized perspective of how developed they are as opposed to those they keep attracting.
- Some say that conversation is awkward for some Millennials because they haven’t built the skill of interaction without a platform like Tinder or Facebook.
- If your goal is to find someone you can love, what can you do to make that happen?
- There is a massive shift when you stop looking for Mr./Ms. Right and start focusing on becoming Mr./Ms. Right.
- If you feel like you’ve arrived but you aren’t attracting similar people, then ask yourself if you have really arrived.
- You will attract people at your level. Get accurate about where you are.
- Create a list of all of your ‘requirements’ in a spouse.
- What level of intimacy are you desiring?
- Are you matching the requirements you have for others?
- When we are younger, we tend to place physical attributes high on the list.
- As we age, we start to recognize that the nonphysical becomes essential.
- Attraction isn’t an option. It just happens to us.
- Social Sexual Imprints podcast
- Once we permit ourselves to have a broader spectrum of attraction, we start eliminating the laundry list of requirements.
- Do you allow society to influence your requirements for a partner?
- Sometimes we attract bad situations into our life.
- We get what we put out.
- If you are in a troubled relationship, what can you do to become a better person?
- Do you actually want a relationship?
- Or is your laundry list of requirements a shield against building a relationship?
- Relationships can become a mirror to all the work we haven’t been doing.
- Nothing can tell you you’ve arrived.
- There is growth that can happen within a relationship that cannot occur outside of a relationship.
- There is also growth you have to do on your own, outside a relationship.
- The work to become better versions of ourselves is always there waiting for us.
- “When I stopped looking they showed up.”
- When you stop focusing so hard on finding that person and start focusing on who you are you become attractive to others.
- Become a magnet for the person you want to attract.
- If you want to attract an empowered person you need to make sure you are empowered.
- If you want to attract someone who is physically fit, you need to match that yourself.
- Looking for a love relationship is looking for a peer relationship.
- Shift from an outcome frame to a process frame.
- Stop focusing on the outcome and focus on the process that is involved in attracting the person that is right for you.
- If you are still single and you are working on yourself, that doesn’t mean that you still have more work to do.
- Sometimes there is the concept of wrong place/wrong time.
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8 comments
This is related to the topic of ‘young people relying on technological platforms in order to talk to each other’. I was just reading an article on the topic of social isolation, and a point that someone made was, ‘you almost need an excuse to talk to your neighbors now’ like it is no longer acceptable to randomly go to someone else’s front door without a reason for it, or have someone come to yours. This thought just popped into my head – I agree with the aforementioned statement in that things seem to be like that now, but ironically this is how I met my best friend. We were both 4 at the time, and she and her two older sisters came over to my house to say hi when my family moved in. 18 years later and despite not living in the same city any more, we still visit each other when we can.
This is also how I met someone in my apartment complex. I ended up with a letter of hers in my mailbox, so I knocked on her door to give it to her. I haven’t talked to her much since then because she works night shifts and I am also terrible at reaching out to/making plans with people, but it’s comforting to know that out of all the rooms of the complex at least one of them isn’t a complete stranger.
Also funny to me is that, yes, I am a millennial, but I resist that stereotype and tried to convince myself that relying on technology is not a technique I use to communicate with people – but it is. I use Facebook and sometimes Snapchat to get in touch with friends I may not have talked to in a while. And since moving to a new city, I use Meetup to find events to get involved in to allow myself to meet people and get out of my apartment. Perhaps this access to technology has encouraged me to be even more painfully shy than I would be without.
Regarding the more relationship oriented material, my most recent past relationship was high quality, but I would not be where I am today without our mutual break-up. I finally committed myself to healthier habits (eating better and working out more) and I’m proud of the progress I have made. I became too comfortable in our relationship to successfully take charge of these things (although part of it probably is that I didn’t prioritize these items as I was in school at the time).
And something which bothers me is that people talk about the idea of falling in love like all the magic will happen once that one person is found. But love can be cultivated and grown with anyone whether this be familial love, platonic love. Love can always be created, there is not a limited amount of love in the world. In fact, that’s how long term relationships work after the honeymoon phase – you have to be conscious about how to cultivate love within and surrounding your relationship.
I loved this!!!!! I am a divorced mama of a marriage of 18 years… 4 kids later…
Your podcast was awesome, I am all about personal growth and my ex man was all about just fitting into the group. I used to be so mad about it but I think our purposes and goals just changed. He left me for another woman in our friend group but I was out growing the group and he liked things they way they were…
I can’t explain it but your podcast brought a lot of peace to me. Also I did make a list of my future hubby qualities and about 8 months ago I had this deep sense of if I am wanting this in a man I better have it in myself so I quit looking and started developing. I have not found “my man” yet but I am okay with that. The relationship I have with MYSELF is awesome and I am confident that I will some day find a quality man when the timing is right that has the capacity to live and love like me because I chose the process.
I love you guys and wish blessing over blessing for you!
Cheers!
Janelle
I stopped being mad that my previous relationship ended, I went to OA and did interesting work for 2 years and then an old colleague looked me up and we started having lunch. I thought: Oh, nice to have some male energy in my life, even though not my type. I had the beginning of new skills to be a better listener, to be more relaxed in male-female conversations (sexual subtype in Enneagream). And after 5 months, something happened to us both at the same time. Now this ENTJ is with an ISFJ who would not have ticked ANY boxes on previous relationship lists, except high intelligence. I continue to grow because of his inspiration, BUT ALSO because this is a challenging relationship—paying attention to the dynamic differences which are fun but ripe for misinterpretation. My assumptions about everything in life are regularly questioned—that’s good for me personally and good for the relationship. A good relationship is a bright mirror.