PHQ | QUESTIONS: How To Get Into Action As An INFJ
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PHQ | QUESTIONS FROM COMMUNITY: In this episode, Joel and Antonia answer a question about getting into action as an INFJ.
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An important ‘life hack’ I found for myself that may work for others is to focus on one’s clearing energetic boundaries on a regular basis. I struggled for decades with stalled life goals while putting others’ needs ahead of my own. I read many books related to positive thinking, setting healthy boundaries and time-management hacks, but while helpful in many ways, these practical skills did not lead to lasting positive changes. I DID experience major shifts in my life when I started focusing on my intuitive and feeling capacities through meditations that focused on healing energetic wounds and visualizing healthy energetic boundaries. Jeffrey Allen’s ‘Duality’ program and books like ‘Own Your Energy’ (by Alla Svirinskaya) and ‘Energetic Boundaries’ (by Cyndi Dale) were game changers for me. I am now more able to respect my needs and move toward my goals while being present with others in a balanced way. Hope this helps someone.
Really appreciate all the comments… I guess my struggle today is whether to choose harmony over setting a boundary. My instincts say harmony but will I get hurt or disappointed if things dont flow. Setting a boundary would be more self loving but selfish also…hmmm?
Hi Joel and Antonia, thank you for these podcasts, it has given me much to think about and work on. For me, action has always come when my heart and head align…my head is hearing/seeing all these things about the world and everywhere you look, there’s need. My heart compels my head to act. All the things I’m most proud of have been when I’ve actually reached out to someone and then all that’s in my head actually becomes useful to someone else (not all at once haha). Like mentoring someone in a programme, like taking on management of a project that makes agricultural research more relevant to farmers’ needs, etc. The hardest part is believing I have something to offer and acting on it. Lucky for me, my ESFP husband is there to give me a push when needed.
I first thought focusing on my extroverted feeling was a brilliant way to get me to act, then I realized I do that already and it’s the cause of my problems. I focus on what OTHERS need and want and NOT what I need and want. I’m too self-sacrificing. I’m trying to remember that I’m a person too, but doing anything that hurts or bothers someone else is really hard for me to do. I would rather choose to sacrifice myself than cause anyone else harm or bother. I am in action all the time doing things for others. I need to learn how to act on MY behalf even when it bothers others.
Hi Antonia,
I’m wondering how to get out of thinking and helping mode (which I do all day for clients), and into wanting to get into “action” physically. Meaning, I find that when I not with a partner, I have no motivation to leave the house and do something as simple as taking a walk. When I was a child, I used to go walking alone all the time. Now I get – what some people call – “the spotlight syndrome.” Basically, I feel completely exposed, as if I’m on stage. If I could be invisible, I’d leave the house a LOT more often. Any suggestions? I’ve gained 25 pounds in 2 years, and I hardly eat. I can’t believe that I’ve become a person who needs someone to hold my hand just to leave the house. And going to the grocery store… nightmare. So many people and too much stimulation!
Hi Susan! I’m an INFJ who has experienced something similar on a few different occasions. It is usually the result of spending too much time introverting. Introverts can get so comfortable with their inner world that the outer world can look scary.
You’ve got to force yourself to engage with people. I hate the grocery store, too. It’s a necessary evil. And if all my interactions were the grocery store I wouldn’t feel very inclined to go anywhere. So, find more rewarding reasons to leave the house. Take a class. Join a hiking or painting group. Find a community that you can use as leverage to force yourself out of your inner world.
It isn’t comfortable at first and all your instincts are going to be crying out to stay with what is comfortable. When that happens, imagine yourself dying alone and unnoticed by the world because you were too afraid to force yourself out of your comfort zones. Because that is a very real possibility. It happens to introverts all the time.
We aren’t here to simply survive. We are here to thrive. And the greatest growth comes from the greatest challenges.
Here’s the article Antonia mentioned:
https://personalityhacker.com/developing-the-harmony-process-as-an-infj/
Thanks!
Hi All,
Based on the podcast and articles that i read, the key is compassion and be truth to our self.
Do not let this “FJ” thinks stop us to contribute. Please always remember “Heaven is a place where all the people is contributing,hell is a place where all the people is demanding and the world is just a place for internship”
We need to give our full effort just to make a sincere contribution, we can start to contribute in any aspects even give a slice of comment in the internet would be a good start.
Make contributes as a reflex, feedback as a scales. Choose the heavy ones to focus on.
Better to light on a candle rather than demanding in the dark.
May the contributes be with you ^_^
What if we INFJs practice expressing our feelings to others via writing – does that count as Fe?
To go from being private and contemplative to meeting others needs (in the outside world) feels like a big leap. I’d like to contribute to others emotional and spiritual well being but via the medium of writing. This would be huge progress for me as I’ve had project ideas for a long time. Taking action to write on a regular basis would feel like a big achievement!
I worked as a graphic designer for years and can see why it was successful for me… I could take my intuitive grasp (IN) of the clients’ needs and create a piece that fulfilled their communication needs (ES). My current difficulty has come from two strongly narcissist “friends” for whom I did work, who then stole my ideas and refused to give me credit, calling me manipulative and petty. I’m now feeling pretty washed out from the idea of doing things for others to “create harmony.”. And while I realize a typing system like this isn’t really set up to address deeper issues like codependency and narcissism, I’d be curious as to any thoughts about those dynamics, esp. as some of the more dominant types feel free to step on and over the more sensitive types.
Creating harmony doesn’t mean being nice to people who are cruel to you, or to be a perpetual forgiveness machine*. True harmony comes from everyone getting their needs met, including your own. The highest form of harmony includes establishing boundaries, calling out hurtful behavior to work through it, and cutting your losses if you are dealing with a personality disorder beyond your ability to assist. (I mean, you’re not a therapist.)
Develop strategies for creating boundaries by way of Harmony, not in spite of it.
-A-
*This comes from ego transcendence, not by developing the ego (aka personality). But development generally comes before transcendence.
Thank you, Antonia. Now I remember your great saying, “in ‘getting everyone’s needs met,’ you are part of ‘everyone’!’ I’m also glad to say I found another great resource on your site that mentions the codependency trap–https://personalityhacker.com/patterns-causes-infj-wounding/
Thank you for replying and I’ll continue to self-nurture!
What a clear, excellent explanation of getting into action for the infj. I can’t deny that I’ve spent waaaaay too much time beating myself up for not being more of a standard mover-shaker. I’ve wondered what is wrong with me and felt useless, in part because I haven’t recognized/valued the work I do when I meet others’ needs. Often it’s an “invisible” endeavor which does not bring recognition; I’ve written it off as “nothing” (socially speaking). 🙁
Understanding the function stack is incredibly helpful, and this advice is just the light bulb I needed. I may need to start a journal of all the times I extend myself in harmony so that I can SEE all that I am doing. (haha – or some sort of video format that I can broadcast to the world…) And allow myself to give approval to this work as essential/important/sacred, despite what our culture might tell me. Thank you!
“I may need to start a journal of all the times I extend myself in harmony so that I can SEE all that I am doing.”
This sounds like a great idea!
I wonder what an online space would look like where we shared those things and encouraged one another…. Reminding ourselves and others of how important our roles are.
It’s a double whammy in our home – INFJ married to an INTJ. When we’re both stuck in our heads, I feel doomed to wasted time and pointlessness because I’m looking to him to cooperate in something productive or mutually satisfying. I’m hoping to get us unstuck together, but he’s much more comfortable with this sort of status quo than I am. What gets me out of my head is volunteer work where I know someone is counting on me for encouragement or to help make a system work. I don’t expect to change the world, just hopefully make one little corner of it brighter.
I’m also INFJ married to an INTJ. Interesting dynamics.
I think that linking a project to how to fulfill other people’s needs is definitely the key, however it’s not that simple. For me at least, fulfilling someones needs for the day, the week, or the year brings me little to no motivation. In fact fulfilling only one person’s needs doesn’t really do it for me. My motivations come from the big picture needs of society. I always look for what the world should be and why it isn’t that way. For me to truly feel fulfilled I need to fulfill the needs of everyone simultaneously with one act that creates a permanent change to humanity for the better.
This probably has a lot to do with why I feel so dissatisfied with life. I have no idea how to do that and anything less makes me feel useless, hopeless, and extremely discouraged. I honestly feel like I’m losing my mind if I begin living a “normal” life. Even doing nothing is preferable to doing something of negligible consequence.
Words from my own heart Jon. I understand exactly how you feel.
Wow… scary how well I can relate to this comment.
I feel this so strongly. I feel this overpowering need to do something that helps humanity on a large scale and anything less feels mundane and useless.
I feel exactly the same way, Tory! I couldn’t have phrased it better myself!
Amen. I often ponder what I bigger purpose/calling is. On my best (but most frustrating) days I feel right on the brink of discovery, but never quite get there. It can be very discouraging. Maybe plays into the INFJ self-righteous concept some INFJs (like me occasionally) have?
I completely relate to feeling my actions needs to make a huge impact, otherwise I lack motivation. In my inner child healing I found my 3 yr old was desperately trying to recover the connection and cherishing she had felt from her/my mother (when my brother was born). She was willing to do anything to feel that bonding again. She tried so hard to be kind, loveable, helpful but nothing worked. My 3 yr old couldn’t regress to be a baby again!
In my case (and perhaps other INFJs?) I think I am stuck in this sense of what’s the point feeling. I’ve tried everything for a long time and no one noticed, so even though I have huge empathy and understanding for people’s pain, I have lost the ability to act. It’s as if my well has run dry. I think a part of me feels that if I make a huge impact and ‘save the world’ 🙂 then it would be worth my effort. Such a difficult place to be because not only am I drifting through life, I know I have real skills and knowledge to share and I get to feel how inadequate I am….which takes me back to my 3yr old trying to become a baby but never having a chance of qualifying for mother’s undivided devotion again.
This is the first comment section I have viewed on this site (I have, until now, just been binge listening to the podcasts from an app) and I am so blown away… You just put my heart into words and then OTHER PEOPLE AGREED. Whenever I say things like this to my friends they just give me this look like I’m completely absurd… “Just get a normal job and stop overthinking”. So I’ve stopped verbalizing the desire but it doesn’t stop it from being there. All that to say… YES. THANK YOU.
I think the advice about focusing efforts on extraverted feeling is right on. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to develop my extraverted sensing, but I was constantly conflicted with the fact that my introverted intuition was CONSTANTLY checking my choices. This ended up being my “paralysis by analysis.” I wanted to DO, but my process of perceiving outcomes always won out.
However, working with my extroverted feeling almost never conflicts with my intuitive process. When I really decide that I will work towards getting others needs met, I satisfy my desire for action while aligning it with my values and mental processes.
Hi! So lately I have been finding self love and let me tell you, that is the key to being an INFJ. To knowing it’s okay that we feel so strongly. I think it’s brave how vulnerable I can be. I know my dark side and I am learning to forgive and let go. I am using my self love by helping other people learn self love. It has led me to the path I am on in life. I want to do motivational speaking, and own a summer camp, and write movie scripts. I want be strong both mentally and physically so I push myself to be the best I can be. When I put that out into the world, it returns happiness to me. My goal is to spread this happiness through self love and to give back. Afterall, happiness is contagious. I force myself to get out of the house. However I’m usually quiet and people watching, but I learn a lot and share some really amazing moments with strangers.
Furthermore, I agree with the other Taylor. I need structure. I need for myself to be the best me, so I always put my needs first.
Thank you Joel, Antonia, and Charis for guiding me through the crazy inner workings of an INFJ. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Thank you Taylor #2! 😉 We always appreciate hearing when someone has begun the amazing journey of self love. You’re awesome!
Wow. This was really helpful. You described my pitfalls so accurately. I didn’t even realize it was an INFJ thing. Structure. Like you and the other Taylor said. Yeah, I realize my life kind of drifts into an oblivion when I fall away from it. So it’s definitely good to stick to it. Thank you for that.
Weirdly one thing that works for me is imagining myself from a third person view (like a Sims character) 🙂 or how a person I look up to would behave in this situation.
You are spot on when talking about the importance of developing auxilary function. Fe seems scary because one has to go out and interact with people in order to exercise it. But speaking from experience, that was when the greatest breakthroughs have happened in my life.
Thanks for the comment Tamagochi! I’m glad you have found a life-hack that works for you. 🙂
Ha, well, if you’re Bruce Wayne, get yourself an Alfred to remind you when you have become too apathetic. Batman=total INFJ. Symbolic thinking “Become what you fear”, wants to fight for a better Gotham, but lapses into periods of “hibernation” when he sees no point in helping a city that doesn’t want him/ fears him/ never changes.
For me having structure and rules works. Strict bedtime, limited internet hours, scheduled daily routines like running and eating breakfast. Also forcing myself out of the house, even if its going to the library to read, so long as I’m not stewing away in my room in my head, letting 10 hours pass staring at a computer screen. That’s when the apathy, distaste for the outside world, information obsession sets in. Its easier to face the world and move into action if you make going out in the world a daily habit.
Thanks for the comment, Taylor! I’m not sure I agree with Batman being an INFJ. He seems like more of a Thinker – like an INTJ. That being said, typing fictional characters is fraught with peril. Everyone has their opinion and there’s a lot of guess work involved. 🙂