PHQ | QUESTIONS: INFJ Personality Relationships

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  Taffy 2016-08-31

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  Hi! 🙂 I’m an ENFP and I’ve been dating an INFJ for about 6/7 months… as expected with the INFJ, it’s taken the longest time for him to open up especially about anything even remotely related to his emotions. Last night however, he had some sort of emotional breakdown about unspoken tension/conflict he is sensing from his family at home. This is the first time he shared a personal problem with me and I’d imagine that’s a big deal considering how he usually prefers to sit inside himself and not talk about himself much. He was really upset and even admitted that his emotions were feeling messed up. My ENFP self obviously pulled out the inspirational, cheerleader in me in an attempt to come to the rescue. First of all I listened, asked questions then I tried to affirm and encourage him. At the end of it seemed like he had disintegrated even more and he had one final mini rant before resorting to going and trying to sleep it off.

  Any advice on how to hold space for a distressed INFJ or how to be there/support without being invasive or counter-productive?
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    Bree 2017-07-10

    Reply

    Hey Taffy,

    I know this is way behind/late. I’m an INFJ (female though) and when I get really worked up there’s 2 things I typically need: time to cool off after a rant…usually in a book, doing something productive, or being creative OR I need to go to who I’m really upset with and get the apology/discussion aired out with the person I’m upset with. Likely he’s organizing his thoughts and actually figuring out what the actual emotions are. I FEEL mine, but I often can’t identify why or where they are coming from without discussing/dissecting it with someone close. Being there and reflecting back the words or rearranging them so that the INFJ feels heard or understood is usually what it takes. Even saying it “wrong” makes us attempt to clarify in a way that brings out that understanding. Hope that helps!! ENFP & INFJs are typically an amazing pair. Some of my very best friends are ENFPs.
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  Kate B. 2016-05-21

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  @kelly. – I wondered about something that I heard in the question that didn’t seem to show up in the podcast. Just a thought. You mentioned that you weren’t sure how to feel about the potential loss of uniqueness, that if you AND your partner are both INFJs, that makes one or both of you less special. I’m also an INFJ and that line of thought struck me as profoundly familiar. I just wanted to affirm what I sensed as your vulnerability there and to note that when that kind of harsh evaluation of my own feelings happens… it’s, as you know, usually a signpost to pay attention, an indication of a fear or hurt in myself that needs attention. Radical acceptance. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to exercise your perspectives super power in service to understanding yourself a little better. Again, just a thought. Feel free to disregard entirely. 🙂
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  Rachel 2015-06-22

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  Is it common for people to be drawn to their mbti opposite? For example, I as an INFP am drawn to people of the ISTP personality type. My friend, and INTJ, has been in several relationships with ISFJs. I’m wondering if this is a common occurrence, and if there is even a theory behind why this could happen.
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    Kelly 2015-06-29

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    Thankyou for making my question a podcast 😀
    My partner listened to your podcast and then read your article on the INTJ type. he totally spun out and said it was unbelievably accurate and felt true to him (you guys are psychic haha). I found this interesting because My best mate of 16 years is also an INTJ! I guess I know what I like 😉
    Rachel, I love that question!!
    One more thing, I’d love to hear peoples opinions on profiling children? (Your own children that is haha) it almost feels like an invasion of privacy like I’d be treating him like a psychology experiment but I’d love to understand how my son learns, not to be controlling or anything but just to be able to support him in the way he might need. As an INFJ I think I’ve gone ’emotionally cold’ over the years and am worried I won’t be able to understand his needs. First time mummy stress or worth thinking about?
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      Charis Branson 2015-06-29

      Reply

      Thanks for the feedback on the PHQ Kelly! I’m glad it resonated so much with the INTJs in your life.

      As to profiling children, you shouldn’t feel guilty about putting a label on your child. You absolutely need to figure out their strengths and weaknesses and how to support them in their development. Too many people just medicate kids they don’t understand and that is awful!

      Antonia wrote an article not too long ago that touches on this subject:
      https://www.personalityhacker.com/how-to-know-your-kids-personality-type/

      Also, we have an amazing program on personality in relationships. It is a 3 part program that goes from dating and marriage to family and child-rearing. The whole program can be purchased as a suite or individually. Here is the link for the Children & Family portion:
      https://www.personalityhacker.com/personalities-in-children-and-family/
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        Kelly 2015-06-30

        Reply

        Thanks Charis, some great info there!
        Much appreciated xoxo
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    Charis Branson 2015-06-29

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    Thanks for the question, Rachel! There is a lot of truth to the saying, “Opposites attract.” Thinkers/Feelers are very polarizing for one another, and can make some great partners. Thinkers remind feelers to be a little more objective, and feelers remind thinkers to be a little less data driven.

    Sensor and intuitive pairings are going to happen since there are far fewer intuitives than sensors. These relationships are not always the most successful, but can be. The important thing is for the intuitive to make sure they are getting the kind of theoretical conversation that feeds their soul.

    In response to your question, yes polarities exist. We have a great program available called Personalities in Dating & Attraction. It delves deep into the types of personalities that make the best pairings and how to speed read people in such a way to determine who is your best fit match.

    I strongly recommend it! It is really fascinating:
    https://www.personalityhacker.com/personalities-in-dating-and-attraction/

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