PHQ | QUESTIONS: Setting Boundaries As An ENFJ
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PHQ | QUESTIONS FROM COMMUNITY: In this episode, Joel and Antonia answer a question about setting boundaries as an ENFJ.
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Thank you for this podcast!! Recently I discovered that most of my social hang ups are a result of not knowing how to set boundaries. This self-awareness has been very revealing in my friendships and I’ve made some progress on my own. As an ENFJ I realized that Flavio’s sentiments on reciprocity in friendships resonated with me so much. Although I can present as capable and fairly confident, I have a history of childhood emotional neglect as well and so speaking up and expressing my deep personal needs and wants with my peers is just SO foreign to me. (I have almost no skill in this area.) However, when I began to do this with friends this summer, I noticed some negative reactions. But now I feel more comfortable in myself knowing how to identify and nurture the more authentic relationships in my life. I’m just beginning but already seeing a positive shift in some of my key relationships which is huge. What I’d really like to know is how do I identify different types of boundaries? I see other types use verbal and non-verbal skills to let others know what they are ok with. Can you point me to some social boundary making tools I might practice? Thanks so much!!
This is really good. I finally recently discovered I’m an ENFJ, and I have definitely had life-long issues with setting boundaries and not being able to say no without feeling guilty. Once I realized that I’m an ENFJ, it just made so much sense looking back over my life.
Hi, can i get the transcript for this episode? I need it so much. Thank you in advance! <3
YOU are changing peoples lives. THANK YOU!!!
I teared up around minute 23. Being honest seems to rub people the wrong way and i just dont speak up and it SUCKS! so i can go from the “lets figure out this together” instead of “Lemme tell you how it is!!!”
is it normal for ENFJs to feel vulnerable expressing their thoughts and feelings??? I do and thats why i confuse myself with the INFJ….
its hard for me to talk about myself, i just focus on others….uuggh i hate being Fe dominant.
Being kind and not just nice..oh my did THAT ring a bell.
when my Ni “sees” something it’s so hard to say what I see when it’s going to ruffle feathers and Im almost positive they don’t really want to know. I use to never quite get across what I needed to because I didn’t want to hurt the other person. It took a long time to get that no matter what I needed to say sometimes being nice doesn’t make the other person feel good and it does ruffle feathers..but if I’m just nice all the time…I wind up getting hurt…or carrying something I don’t need to carry. yup… pretty spot on. ugh.
As an ENFJ with a very strong passenger (Ni) Balancing being Kind with being Nice has always been tough. Fortunately I’m an ENFJ with really good friends that do indeed understand me. I have an inordinate amount of acquaintances…and I’ve gotten better with age at handling the demands they can put on me (and if I’m honest I allowed them to)
Just wanted to say…not bad I found myself shaking my head in the affirmative for many of your points. This was a perfect convo to have with ENFJs…especially young ones. I hate reading about ENFJ where it seems that people think that they are shallow or manipulative I think perhaps the thing that saved me is that even if there were some that perhaps felt that I was, I had enough people who truly knew me and even if some didn’t completely understand me, they accepted me for who I am. Made a huge difference in my development.
Anyway…thank you for the podcast I enjoyed.
Antonia, I really think even broaching the subject will give those people a sense of permission to engage in a more parallel dialogue with you. 🙂
As an ENFJ, this episode hit spot-on with a lot of my current issues. I can’t even count the number of times lately that I’ve confided to a close friend that I am craving depth and meaning and it was wonderful to feel validated through this episode with my current feelings and also with the suggestions on how to improve the quality of my relationships by training myself to try and delve deeper. Thanks again for another great (and very helpful) episode!
Thank you Christa for listening and joining the conversation! So happy this resonated with you.
Another quality episode from you guys, thumbs up 😉
My own encounters with this type had been certainly interesting, to say the least. First of all, I have often felt somewhat inferior around them. Because, just look at them – they have a ton of friends and potential lovers, are able to handle any social situation with grace and ease, can quickly gain status and influence. For most people it’s a dream came through.
And then out of the blue she comes and confides that she felt lonely today and don’t have close friends. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT was my reaction 🙂 Gradually I have come to know this darker, lonelier part of ENFJs. That it’s often hard for them to find meaningful connections or come up with sound logical decisions when one is required. Tendency to over-rely on Fe leads to superficiality and inability to see pitfalls in the road. Your recommendation to deepen the intuition is spot on.
One time I was talking with my close ENFJ friend about meaning of life in general. My opinion was, that most value comes from the unseen things in life, like you can find the most beautiful pearls at the bottom of the sea. To which she replied: no, there is value and beauty all around us, just under our feet if we care to look, and you don’t need to look for it that deep. Years later I have learned of MBTI and this one line defines ENFJ quite well in my opinion.
Thanks Tamagochi for sharing. Good thoughts.
I would be cautious to agree with your statement, “it’s often hard for them to … come up with sound logical decisions when one is required.”
I think I understand what you are saying – but it may sound like you are saying ENFJs aren’t as intelligent.
How I interpret what you mean is that ENFJs can sometimes default to making the socially expedient decision.
I feel like that nuance honors the intellect that ENFJs naturally have and points out the need to avoid social shortcuts.
Why certainly I did not mean that ENFJs are less intelligent! My point was that sometimes detaching oneself from social context and making “cold”, rational decisions can be very beneficial. And I suspect it might be hard to do for a person who feels the pulse of this social world in her veins.
Loved this podcast. As an ENFJ I can be very supportive. I also have let people walk over me through the years. I did not know I was seeking approval. I’m deep and can be kind but also I can be a viper with a sword for a tongue. I dislike people who attack my dignity. I feel I’m very well educated on a lot of subjects and come on like an authoritarian at times. I can turn off a lot of people. I feel powerful at times and other times powerless. Then I hide for a few days to get re-energized. I must admit it’s lonely since I require honest feedback from my own perspective. As if no one understands me.
I’m working on being more patient and a better listener. Controlling my emotions is hard for me. I feel things in a deep level.