Podcast – Episode 0091 – ENTJ Personality Type Advice
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In this episode, Joel and Antonia dive deep into the needs and desires of the ENTJ personality type.
In this podcast on the ENTJ personality type you’ll find:
- It’s tough to get to know the real ENTJ. There are a lot of layers.
- Napoleon was most likely an ENTJ.
- ENTJs are rewarded by society because their kind of leadership is honored by this world.
- Female ENTJs are often not received well because of imposed gender roles.
- ENTJs get the job done.
- They have a lot of perceived confidence. It often appears like nothing rattles them.
- Most of the answers we got on the survey were very short.
- There’s a sense that they can’t slow down.
- If they don’t feel confident they are good at ignoring it. Lack of confidence doesn’t serve them.
- They have a tendency to overvalue templates that work and never question whether they need to be changed.
- The driver process for ENTJs is Extraverted Thinking that we nicknamed “Effectiveness.”
- Effectiveness is fast. It doesn’t question. It just keeps moving.
- What happens when you’re wrong?
- The co-pilot is introverted learning process called Introverted Intuition that we have nicknamed “Perspectives.”
- Perspectives encourages ENTJs to not just assume their observations are accurate. It asks, “Is there a better way?”
- Napoleonic warfare is a good example of Effectiveness doubling down and not adapting to new warfare strategy.
- The 10-year-old process is Extraverted Sensing we have nicknamed “Sensation.”
- If an ENTJ doesn’t slow down and focus on the co-pilot Perspectives, they will synthetically keep themselves limited. Avoiding the big game and not fulfilling their potential.
- When ENTJs have some past wounding there is an instinct to avoid the inner world. They fear the Intuitive Introverted world. They worry about the pain they may find there.
- The 3-year-old process is Introverted Feeling that we have nicknamed Authenticity.
- This is about managing emotions. It asks, “What’s going on for me?”
- There’s a sense of avoidance out of fear of the inner work. The more ENTJs avoid their inner world the less they will reach their full potential.
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Hi, so I watch this podcast a long time ago. And I thought then I should have applied to the survey. I have searched the PH website and can not find a place to fill out these kinds of surveys. Is it simply only available to some people? If so can it become available to me? How will I know the next time one of these kinds of surveys comes out again?
Wow! I’m a ENTJ and have experienced some childhood drama and am finding it very hard to find my place in life I’m good a a lot of things got several degrees however I wanna be a the best me my family has never understood me and it keeps me ostracized at times and I don’t make many lasting friendships and there are areas that haunt me Artie so I appreciate you insight and would love more
I’m a young female ENTJ and that thing about avoiding going in too deep into my inner world? That’s weirdly accurate. I hate thinking about it too much and usually just ignored it with chores or personal projects, but I’m learning to face my thoughts and allow myself to feel like crap for a little while, move on, and get on with my life. Because dwelling on it will do more harm than good, and ignoring it will just explode in my face somewhere later down the line.
I am an ENTJ and this episode hit the bullseye. I am totally confident, until I am a crying mess. Effectiveness is everything and I struggle to understand the point of doing something unless it is done in the best way. And I am absolutely a cuddler, it just has to be an authentic cuddle 😉 .
My question is that the episode doesn’t talk very much about Se (other than that underdeveloped ENTJ’s use it a lot) and I would love more information on how to use Ni and Se together. I know how I use them separately and I consider myself very balanced across the full stack, but I was hoping for some examples of how others have used both perceiving functions together successfully.
Unfortunately I must say it went the opposite of my personality. I am in deed Ni and Te but mostly self doubter, hughe lack of confidence even if I don’t really value third parties opinions I am always seeking validation on a professional level. I struggle with exposition which makes me run away from public and crowded places. I have an executive and not operational profile.
I´m an ENTJ (female) and I agree with a lot of things in this podcast, but I don´t agree with life being easy because you get rewarded for your “effectivness”-ability. I´ve struggled a lot growing up, and now, because of my attitude, always questioning “why we need this information”, “why we do this, what is the purpuse and how will doing this make that result” and “why the heck we continue with this when it clearly dosen´t work”. I agree that I get rewarded a lot for being able to get things done and for putting my self in the “blame-zone” when I´m being the one making the judgement call when noone else wants to, but I´m not that popular when I question how things are done in an effort improve things. I think male ENTJ:s have at least partly the same experience.
Another thing that I´ve struggled with my hole life is relationships. What really spoke to me in this podcast is what you said in the beginning, that ENTJ:s are hard to really get to know because we have so many layers. That is so true! In my life I´ve experienced so much trouble with making close connections with others, which probably has a lot to do with me not trusting others with information about my self (which has to do with a combination of childhood trauma and my personality thinking that all information are actionable), but also with this many, contrasting, layers of me that make me hard to get a grip on: for example one layer being totally able to disregard peoples feelings to look at the facts and another BIG layer of me being a person who is dead loyal and who feels responsible for everyone.
I think the reason why people think that life is easy for an ENTJ, and that we get rewarded all the time, is because of our ability to disregard our own feelings and move on quickly. We´re up on the horse again, so quickly that most people didn´t even noticed that we fell off it in the first place. When we do stay in the emotion/moment of we dont let other people know until we have figured it all out and can give you a controlled, thought out answer to what, why and how. (It´s not at all to be deceiving but simply to avoid giving you unneccecary information that you can´t use.) It looks like we never fail and that we´re in control all the time, but we do and we´re not!
To end this (Loooooooooong) post on a good note I would like to add that despite my personality stuggles I feel fortunate to be a ENTJ. I think that I have my personality to thank for my resilience to what my life have thrown on me. Because of my go-go-go-mentality I failed so many times in the beginning that failure in it self dosen´t face me at all anymore, which serves me well when I´m using my co-pilot and makes intuitive leaps!
I believe entj are always questioning whether something is effective and is the best possible solution for a situation. In the beginning you said the entj’s are known for using what works in the moment and not really checking to see if it works holistically and as an entj I totally disagree. Perhaps as I grow older this will become the case but I feel well developed entj’s do well to understand a situation from a holistic standpoint and tries to find a solution for works best for everyone. It seems this was just a critique of the entj personality.
3rd time listening to this episode. 1st was a year ago on 2x speed then I had my husband listen with me so he could “get me better” then on my drive back from Niagara Falls with my sister who is also an ENTJ and our spouses I was like I need to figure our why I was getting triggered and why I was triggering her. I slowed it down and took notes then got way more insight into developing my co-pilot. Templates! Templates! Templates! I make those all over the place in our company and while taking a 2 month break for some health stuff our staff and my husband are still using those templates and effiencent systems I created. He’s an INFJ changed some processes bc he looked at things from a different angle and now some departments are running even more efficiently then what I came up with. So yeah I’m going to keep encouraging him and letting him figure out shortcuts too. Understanding how we are uniquely designed has helped us grow closer in marriage, business, and friendships. I’m looking forward to doing your course 🙂 thanks Joel and Antonia!!
I really do not like that I am an ENTJ. I even took the test a few times and tried to be more “feeling” to change the outcome and still was an ENTJ. Which made me laugh
I actually use a lot of comedy in my life and really enjoy what you call the “sensation” 10 year old in the back seat. Which is why i figured I was more of the fun loving ETSP type
But I am starting to see that I have been indulging my10 year old “sensation” aspect and that just gave the appearance of a fun loving party guy. And since I don’t have that “feeling” part developed it can get out of hand with abuse of alcohol, drugs or even being a workaholic – Whatever gets that buzz
I have never even asked my co-pilot “perspectives” what he thinks about all this. I made him ride in the trunk –
I also have never considered what you described as a “wound” and not being able to address or look at those kinds of feeling or emotions. I was raised to just deal with stuff and move on. I came from a tough blue collar bunch and “nobody likes a whiny, crybaby…etc”
So I guess I will get you ket and start to develop these perspectives and see where it goes. Besides I’m tired of always thinking I’m in charge or that everything has to be work and accomplishment. Maybe I will get to like and accept that I am an ENTJ
This comment is quite long because I really wanted to express myself with fellow ENTJs, as I’ve never done, even with my friends.
I’m a 22 year old fresh out of college. I suddenly developed this curiosity to understand why I behave the way I behave. So this week, I stumbled on personality hacker. I am a forthright person, so I will make pithy sentences. I love setting challenges for myself and if I see inauspicious signs, my belief and desire is enough for me to travail to bring them to fruition. During one of my internships, I led projects without being officially appointed leader by anyone. I was never scared of any lecturer in college; my friends always turned to me for advise; I have many acquaintances but only have two close friends; I have excelled well above my peers in education from high school to college by always determining to be the best and blocking out distractions (unprofitable activities); I’m a voracious reader and I always make sure I learn something new everyday; I love observing people to know how they can be of value to me; I always show equanimity in tense situations even though I maybe scared inside; I always and still believe any desire can be brought to life by hard and smart work coupled with proper thinking and planning. I feel like I’m easily misunderstood. I’m always the leader of any group I’m in, and the one time when I wasn’t the group leader, I made sure I got involved with every decision making, and I ended up making the group presentations as people seemed to like my ideas better. I also love being lauded for my contributions, it gives me juice to do more. I’m a pliant and even-tempered person with hatred for injustice. I dislike lectures that are not lucid and concise, and meetings that do not have a predefined end time. I am easily self motivated and can easily develop the cojones to do anything I want to do by merely thinking of the benefit. I can be charming but I find it difficult to be in a relationship because I always do not see a future of me and the lady, or its either she is always just too emotional and enjoys unnecessary talks, or she’s always parochial to see the bigger picture of the relationship. I’m easily miffed by stupidity and dislike very inefficient people. I always seem to know how a person feels, but most times, I ignore their feelings and focus on what I’m trying to achieve. I also love to have organized or well planned fun, but after having fun for a very short time, I always feel this insatiable drive – that I have to be getting something done that’s worthwhile. I feel enervated around people that seem “fake”. I’m always obnoxious to be deferential to those I know aren’t smart enough, but I’ve been improving to become a better person and I’m developing this love for all people. I always have this feeling that my two closest friends may not be as loyal to me as I am to them and it kind of makes me feel isolated and lonely. I always make sure I avoid quarrels about trivial matters with anyone. I love thinking about how things (if not everything I do) can be done in the most efficient way. One thing I still struggle with is patience with people and myself, this is the only weakness I could identify when I was planning to write my university statement of purpose. It feels like I have no fear, but one thing I fear is under achievement or not living up to my expectations. I also get worried that people use me to get things done without actually wanting to be my friend. I always don’t bother myself with what people (apart from my two friends and immediate family) think of me, because as far as I’m concerned, their views don’t matter, only what I think about and perceive matters. Most of all, I always plan (not too detailed) and I have this plan for the future that I keep tweaking to ensure my happiness – which means making sure I meet my goals and live that big picture i have in mind.
The only reason I felt comfortable leaving this comment is because I know there are ENTJs here that understand me. I feel good for sharing!
At 36 years old, I feel at home in my ENTJ type. Finally.
After many pit stops, engine fails, and countless days with my 3-year old “Authenticity” screaming in the back seat, I have come to the understanding that it is much more efficient to rely on my perspectives co-pilot for well-rounded directions rather than smoke a straight line like an extroverted bat-out-of-hell.
I am woman. Hear me purr with a dull roar.
Thank-you for your pod-cast and your work on this!
Great information here.
I cannot love this enough. This describes me… oh my gosh. It’s INCREDIBLY difficult to be an ENTJ woman, especially in the workplace. I work with almost all men and it makes it even more of a struggle because I am not what they expect. I find that I end up having to take that perspectives process so far that I end up losing a little bit of who I am by trying to tone down my personality in order to make myself more approachable. I love who I am – would not change me, but allowing myself to do a little self reflection to understand how other people view how I project myself helps me a lot. But it’s still pretty hard to slow myself down…
I wish I would have found this when you guys started it. 🙂
I’m an ENTJ and not to be critical but I think you have us totally wrong. I went about half way in and decided I should just stop and try to provide some more analysis. For example you used the example of the British being stuck in formation because it worked before. They did not adapt until it is too late a feature you attribute to ENTJ. That is not at all a ENTJ weakness. If Napoleon is truly part of the ENTJ profile than obliviously doing something new is a strength of an ENTJ. That is our strength and our weakness. We don’t like sacred cows unless there is a more practical reason other than it is sacred. However not appreciating the sacred part of the label because it has no value to US gets us into a lot of trouble especially I have found with SJ. For ENTJ and ENTP we have to learn it is not so much important that it is logical but that it is sacred and it matters because others value it. If it is an obstacle work with it so the perception is there but the reality moves towards the more logical. Telling an ENTJ that we should use a strategy because it worked last year or last week gets a zero valuation from an ENTJ. That is probably what frustrates most people about ENTP and ENTJs. We will ask you a follow up well why do you think it will work this time? How does this strategy work with the new features of the obstacle we are facing now? Most ENTJ will not even value personal experience but assess each new threat independently regardless if it bares the same similarity of the past obstacles. We like wholestic individual assessments rather than cookie cutter approaches .As an ENTJ I feel our god will always be pragmatism and logic nothing else. What your referencing as the ENTJ not coming back for reassessment is actually things we have written off or given a negative classification. We don’t like sipping through things that we have thrown away already that includes people and ideas. However things that we have found value in and ideas are under constant prodding as we are trying to perfect, re-test, and evolve the idea and person we have labeled positive. That is why an ENTJ will never go back to a relationship they left already because it didn’t work before. That is nonsensical and I agree. It does not give way to the fact that people and things change. It is however the way we approach a lot of things that have failed in the past. Even if that person evolved into someone new it takes a lot to get us to say okay let’s invest our time into re-researching a failed concept. However green lit projects and people are under constant monitoring to ensure that we have arrived to the right conclusion and don’t need to make changes or improvements. I could go on but I just wanted to list out my observation it’s okay because a lot of what’s out there I don’t think applies at all to me and other ENTJs I know.
Did you pick up that we’re describing the weakness, not of all ENTJs, but of those that aren’t using their Ni auxiliary (Perspectives Co-Pilot) process enough and over relying upon their tertiary process of Se too much (Sensation 10 Yr Old)? The same behavior also manifests in playing too small of a game. When an ENTJ is in their auxiliary process and marrying Te with Ni the behavior is the opposite – it’s closer to how you describe. No sacred cows, but also no need to entertain something that has already been thoroughly thought through.
You may have a well developed auxiliary process and so don’t resonate with the behavior of going to your tertiary too often. I assure you, however, it is an issue with some ENTJs that are playing it too safe.
-A-
This is such a prefect description of how my mind works, like only a fellow ENTJ could explain.
Antonia, you probably read Joe’s explanation of his mind and thought to yourself, “yeah, I knew that! I know ENTJ’s!” But you don’t fully understand. Nobody truly does.
Hi, I was hoping you’d respond to Fatima’s comment because part of it sounds like the man I’m dating and I was wondering if what Fatima describes (see excerpt below) is typical of ENTJs, or if it sounds more like some other type. I’d like to know because I’d like to know what my boyfriend’s type is so that I can accommodate our differences better. Thanks!
‘Lastly, ENTJs are often described as doers and go getters. But I have ambitions and great plans but sometimes I end up just day dreaming more than actually going through with them. Also I just tend to procrastinate till it gets too late and I feel like giving up or do give up. What is up with that? Because I do feel like an ENTJ, I hate myself when I’m not achieving and I tend to go into depression, but I keep getting into the same cycle. I start doing things that give me short term pleasures but I continue to go deeper into the dark place of feeling like a failure. I think that’s the sensation part you talked about. How do I stop being lazy and be consistent in working on my goals?
Well I know that was a lot of me :p but I hope you’d help me a little here.’
It has taken me a couple of days to be able to write this as the podcast felt like it hit so close to the bone for me. I was floored (literally, I had to lie down on the floor to process everything) by how accurately it described me and what it unearthed for me in terms of understanding how I have ended up where I am in life now.
I think I am the classic ‘miss efficiency’ and it was a bit much having that reflected back, it wasn’t how I saw myself. I also know that I have a great capacity to ignore the warning signs, I can really push through, and I think that’s why I am how I am now.
A few years ago I got quite sick, my own special version of Chronic Fatigue, and didn’t get out of bed for much for over 3 months. I worked hard (see still couldn’t not do) to care for myself and have gradually become well enough that I would say I can do 60% of what I used to be able to do.
Listening to the podcast I had all these massive flashes of insight around how I was pushing myself and staying in a workplace which I am sure contributed to my illness (quite toxic, esp for my personality type). I could see how I couldn’t slow down and let go of anything even after I had my kids, who were super demanding in a variety of ways. It all came together in my head as I listened to your podcast.
Then I had my current time and place reflected and saw how much I was beating up on myself for being so inefficient. I am almost always tired and or feel sick, like I have the flu, so I cannot get a huge amount done, and I am making huge amounts of little mistakes in all aspects of my existence which drive my crazy (the mess you have to clean up, the time lost ….). I am still expecting so much of myself and still cannot find that place of ‘getting some done’ and pacing myself. Switching off and relaxing is really hard for me, according to one health professional I work with I don’t even relax at night, my muscles hold their high tone while I sleep! You can imagine where my mental health is at.
I know everyone has different experiences, health patterns, genetic inheritance etc but I would encourage all of us ENTJ people to take heed of the warning signs, develop the skills to let go and have time out as you might just end up where I did. Its really not fun being such a limited ENTJ.
Hi Michelle!
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing!
We here at PH wish you the best in
your letting go and healing journey!
And thank you for supporting other
ENTJ’s with your kind words!
I am a 26 year old ENTJ female who just discovered that this is my type! Everyone in my family says ” THIS IS SO YOU!” However I am a professionally trained actress and that has greatly influenced my perspectives and authenticity processes even though I do still greatly struggle with my own emotions ( I love to deal with other characters but I tend to push down or ignore mine). But through my acting training I found that I have a more natural gift for Directing and Stage Managing and effectiveness is such a core value of mine. I would say that my biggest struggle is my judgement of others but recently that has turned and I have realized that because I am so judge mental if others they must be judge mental of me and it has started a confidence break down. I am also married to an ISTJ who is fantastic at getting me to relax and have fun but we have some struggles as well in the way we prefer to live our life. I am still learning about this stuff and trying to devour it all so that I can apply it in order to enhance my life and career, so thank you so much for putting this out there. Greatly appreciated
How do you help an ENTJ who is avoiding authenticity and has not built grounds for perspective so they are stuck on stimulation for the here and now? They have achieved greatly in the business world and continue to do so. Their personal perspective “distraction” they use to avoid looking inward and checking in is stimulation. As you say “cutting the light from the dash” and avoiding introspection. They complain of not feeling as much as others but avoid feeling up into a point of when things become overwhelming then there is tears for hours with an incapability of explaining why they are crying.
Hope you can provide some guidance.
Hi Guys,
Thanks for sharing the Podcasts. Typed myself as an INTP but someone said I might be an EN. So after taking a full day to have another look. What relief to be an ENTJ
I’m looking for sensory distractions all over the place. Find it so difficult to look inwards. I need proximity in my work and have a burning desire for leadership. I want to design systems but I can’t stick to a routine? Boy there’s alot of limiting beliefs to change..
I have felt like I need to pull over for about two years. I know what to do it’s look inwards to decide on my values beliefs and final goal. But it seems so in authentic because I’ll always do things based on the situation I’m faced with. I need put paper infront of myself brain dump regularly write it all down so I can work on few ideas. I’m always looking for the internet’s help. It’s so distracting. I don’t feel I have a strong sense of identity. Except I feel deserving of success. I’ll Before I write anything down I need to research. “How to write empowering history” and I’ll continue to find scenery like this to avoid doing the work.
My book recommendations:
“The Power Broker: Robert Moses and the Fall of New York”
“Steven Pressfield the-war-of-art”
So I’ve discovered in the last 6 months I’m an ENTJ. Meyers Briggs has been helpful in many regards, obviously. Very powerful stuff.
For me the most challenging has been what she described as dysthymia when I’m dealing with emotions and self reflection (which I must say they were were very accurate in describing). When I realized I was ENTJ I was going through a tough time. Co workers were challenging my systems, which pushed me into a self reflecting sort of mode. These ‘challenges’ were nasty interactions which caused much emotional pain making it more difficult for me to get through the self reflection. Somewhere around the 3 month mark I started to come out of it. It’s been up and down since, but I think I’ve finally made it through the majority of self reflection process.
I’m open to suggestions on ways to get through the self reflection process and emotional pain more efficiently (there I go with the ENTJ, right? Trying to set up a system!!!). Anyone has any suggestions I’m all ears. I have a small library now of self help books that I reference when required which helps, but seems like my own experience is so unique that no one book is a silver bullet.
Great site you guys have here, great podcasts!
Hey Bill,
Nothing really floors me and sends me straight into hell like being told I’m not the greatest of all time at work. It is our one very, very real weakness. It can make us angry, stubborn, defiant, un-characteristically nasty and fog up our decision making skills so much that the healthy appreciation for pragmatisms is out the door. Something people don’t ever capture is yes we love criticism so long as that criticism does not make us feel like we are not Michael Jordan still. I would say take a deep breath. If your system is more efficient and effective you probably violated what we tend to always violate at some point which is people’s emotions, need for us to play our position, or we accidently spat on the cross. We don’t know any other position but leadership, we account for how people will feel but often times not enough, and in the pursuit of logic we will topple some scared column. Sure as the sun will come up we will piss someone off. Just make pay your taxes take time to go around the team and ask them to truly let you know how they feel. Most of them will be careful but they will tell you. If you really make them feel like you are listening but nodding in agreement and by incorporating their more helpful ideas on how to make things better they will love you again. It will coalesce the team around your vision and make everyone feel you are the right man to lead again. Don’t at any point while you are doing this defend your thoughts and position this is not a think tank that process should have been done already this is a team building exercise. The only time you should be voicing a thought is in agreement and letting them know their thoughts and feelings will be incorporated. Above all else you want to be the leader that makes peoples lives easier and feel like without you the whole building comes down. You are just missing that feeling and it WON’T go away until you do what you have to do.
also one more tip for ENTJ’s, stopping to reflect and plan out life will be very difficult to do. It’s not something you will take to very easily even if you have the knowledge (as an ENTJ I know.) My word of advice is DO NOT TRY TO DO IT ALL AT ONCE. instead of working all day from morning to night, try to stop 30 minutes earlier than usual and spend that extra time sitting with a notebook and pencil. trying to uproot your productive habits all at once will never work, but if you stop and reflect for short periods of time, your brain won’t recognize the change and you won’t feel too unproductive.
Aim to do this for a week and gradually increase the time until you have around 4-5 hours where you can just reflect. the important thing to note here is that it is true you won’t be as productive that week in the short run but in the long run you will reap much more rewards than you can ever have imagined.
I recommend also knowing your VAK learning style. I’m an 18 yr old ENTJ but also a Bodily-Kinesthetic learner, meaning its easiest for me to process and learn information while I’m moving. For a long time when I skateboarded as a serious pursuit (something I later dropped for drawing comic-books) I would skate and listen to videos on social calibration and inner-self knowledge ( I know its wooey but when the trained professionals say that it works, i’m in no place to argue.) I didn’t know at the time, but the fact that I was in constant motion while listening to these videos was part of why It was so easy for me to retain the information. Ie: You don’t want to be an visual learner trying to learn things primarily through touch and sound, when it would be 10x easier to understand with maps, diagrams, videos, or books. Just a little tip.
Hi!
I’m a 26 year old female ENTJ. Well I have a lot of questions and confusions which I’m not sure I’ll be able to communicate but here you go.
So this would definitely sound really selfish and probably immature and unlike ENTJ, but, honestly speaking, we are obviously not robots and we do have feelings. I think the reason why I do not show feelings is that I feel very strongly about some things and once the emotions come on the outwards, I don’t know how to handle them. And well yes, I hate looking like an emotional wreck too so I just decide to never go there. I really don’t know how to deal with that. And for the selfish part, why doesn’t anyone try to understand us? :p I loved how you described how we tell people that we love them or how we ask them “do you love me?” It was SO ON POINT! But why don’t people see value in that? Doesn’t this ignorance make others more superficial? We work really hard on what really matters, and we might chill out if given the confidence that others can be trusted with it. (Oh lol! Probably sounding like a typical ENTJ) :p
Also just in general, I think as I’ve grown up, I’ve changed a lot from being judgemental to really putting myself in others shoes. It really is an exhaustive task to be honest, but I think it has improved my relationships too and have made me compassionate. People do frustrate me still, but not as much :p I think I’m kinder now.
And you bringing up the roles part I just felt a huge load being lifted off my shoulders. My whole life I have been fighting so much with the need to fit in a box which to be honest, I don’t really respect. Why should I have to change just because I’m a woman? Why should I have to lower my standards when I know I could be doing a job equally good or better than a man? So why would you suggest us to work around it?
Also, the traumas you talked about, bad things did happen but I don’t think they have an effect on me. Or probably I’m in denial? How do I deal with that?
Lastly, ENTJs are often described as doers and go getters. But I have ambitions and great plans but sometimes I end up just day dreaming more than actually going through with them. Also I just tend to procrastinate till it gets too late and I feel like giving up or do give up. What is up with that? Because I do feel like an ENTJ, I hate myself when I’m not achieving and I tend to go into depression, but I keep getting into the same cycle. I start doing things that give me short term pleasures but I continue to go deeper into the dark place of feeling like a failure. I think that’s the sensation part you talked about. How do I stop being lazy and be consistent in working on my goals?
Well I know that was a lot of me :p but I hope you’d help me a little here.
Hello Fatima I am a fellow ENTJ, male though. Someone I found really helpful to learn from is Elliot Hulse on YouTube. Check out his videos. Being an ENTJ we tend to be very high pace individuals and in today’s society this can really cause us to lose track of ourselves. Elliot Hulse teaches how to calm down and focus and tune into your body’s needs ie: the check engine light. As ENTJ’s we tend to ignore our body’s needs, which can be good but a lot of times it can be very detrimental if we don’t know when to stop and reflect. Watch a couple of his videos about goals and discipline and he will give you the foundations you need to build the strongest version of yourself. I actually recommend you look up that exact question that you asked here, he has tons of videos on it.
I am a 26 year old ENTJ woman, and deeply resonated with what you discussed in this podcast. Although, I thought I might add a slight perspective shift on the last few minutes about roles being projected on female ENTJs. I would say that is true from a cultural perspective however it seems to be a problem we create. I have noticed women ENTJs are not given the opportunities to truly operate in our effective strategy giftings because we are often overlooked in favor of someone who is more outspoken. Then, to avoid being overlooked we offer premature solutions as to not be overlooked and miss on a chance to participate/contribute. This does not project well on us. This may be a personal problem as I tend to be lighter on the “J” than many, but I would be curious to hear if any other ENTJs had experienced this
I can’t thank you enough for recording this podcast. I’m not being hyperbolic when I say the knowledge I’ve gained from this podcast has radically improved both my and my father’s life.
I’m an 45 y.o. ENFP daughter with a 71 y.o. ENTJ father. For the past 5 months, I’ve been helping him downsize and sell his home. It’s been a major, 50-hour-per-week project for me that I volunteered to undertake because I wanted to help my father.
Even though we both had good intentions, it took only a week or so for us to start clashing. Eventually, things got so bad that two weeks ago, I was considering quitting the project and taking a 2-3 month break from speaking to my father. But at the last minute, I decided – as a sort of “hail mary” move – to read up on his MBTI type to see if I could better tailor my approach with him.
It was only upon reading about Effectiveness (Te) on your website, that I realized my father was leading with Effectiveness and not Exploration. Years ago, I – who is normally amazingly accurate at typing people – had mistyped him as an ENTP. My entire theoretical framework for understanding his behavior shifted immediately. As I listened to this podcast for the first time, I literally choked up as Antonia spoke about some of the traps ENTJs can fall into if they don’t spend enough time using their Perspectives process. What she said dovetails perfectly with some things I’ve repeatedly told my father during our recent arguments:
• “You are acting like a bull in a china shop. Stop bulldozing me.”
• “You have no clue how what you say and do hurts my feelings.”
• “I have always considered you an ethical person, but you are treating me so poorly, it borders on the unethical. What has happened to you?”
• “It breaks my heart to see you repeatedly shoot yourself in the foot by trying to take control of this project. The whole point was for you to let me manage things so you could relax. You’re acting like some sort of ruthless CEO. Frankly, you’re being a total *sshole.”
• “Why are you are so impatient? You have this sense of urgency that is totally unwarranted and it’s making both of us miserable. In your effort to speed things up you’re making rash decisions that are hurting the project and hurting me. You’re not thinking this through.”
Once I realized he was an ENTJ, all his seemingly whackadoodle behavior started to make sense. So two weeks ago, I sat him down and told him I wanted him to learn about the ENTJ personality type. To my surprise he seemed open to the idea. We’ve been hashing out the basics, but today he is listening to this podcast at this very moment while he is commuting. I’m trying to be low key about things, but I’m very excited to see what he thinks.
I guess I’m posting this comment because I wanted to thank you for doing what you do. Whether my father decides to apply what he learns or not (and I think he will), I have a much better understanding of his thought processes and behavior. I can better attribute his motives and this will make my life so much better.
But most importantly, I wanted to say to any other ENTJs who listen to this podcast, “Make time for self-reflection (Perspectives). This is especially important in your personal relationships. Let my father’s and my story serve as a cautionary tale. I know my father loves me, but he has never been able to understand/appreciate how my Exploration/Authenticity personality can get so “butt-hurt” by the things he says and does. It has hindered both of our lives and made us both unhappy. I know my father is a good man and is not consciously aware of what he has been doing. I feel sure that if he can make the time to focus on his Perspectives co-pilot process, we’ll both be better for it.
Thanks Josephine! I found your story fascinating. My father was some sort of an xNTJ and he was in the habit of bulldozing everyone (I’m INFJ). In the last few months he was alive, he lived with me. I remember wishing I could be more patient with him, but he just drove me insane. Now I have a huge amount of guilt because I wish I had forced myself to be kinder.
I think it’s awesome that you are able to gain some understanding of how your types interact. I hope he enjoyed the podcast!
Hi, I’m an ESTP and involved in a long term relationship with an ENTJ. I can give you some perspectives of someone who is intimately involved with a female ENTJ. Very much consistent with the personality type, she runs her own law firm and a local politician. She often says about many things in her life that she “likes to be in charge.” While I make no secret that I find competence, intelligence and ability to be a major turn on, having someone like this in my life can be very very difficult. She often neglects me as a partner, because, as she says being an adult and working is hard. As with so much in her life, she is indeed correct. However, she finds a way to take everything to its highest level and degree of complication. She never stops. She works literally all day from the time she is up until the time that she sometimes literally collapses at night. I offer her help endlessly but she never takes it. Yet, she complains that she never has time, never has a life outside of work and kids. She rarely ever allows anyone to provide help. She has to do it all herself. She literally gets offended when people help or try to help her. She is rigid in the extreme in so many aspects of her life. When I have problems with my ex and mother to my kids, she always rams questions down my throat about this and that and the “J” aspect comes crashing into my “P” aspect. I tell her often that my decision making ability is quite different than hers and that she just has to respect that. Many of her questions and concerns in general (not just about my kids mother) deal with her ultra high need to know. I’m more of a take as it comes approach. I’m highly educated with an Ivy League advanced degree and no shrinking violet, so I don’t doubt my ability to deal with pretty much anything life throws at me. She cannot handle that. She must have it all figured out and planned out in advance.
As for personally. I know she cares, but she has an extraordinarily difficult time showing it. She always has to seem like she’s in charge. That means that her ability to express concern, love or any other loving or warm feelings are nill. She equates (as do many) expressing love with vulnerability and that is something that she cannot contemplate. She cannot and will not allow herself to be vulnerable. While I often tell her I love her and she sometimes tells me in return it has been over six months since she said she loves me on her own. Even when I do say it, her response is often “me too”. Her ability to cope with and deal with emotional issues is what I was like when I was a teenager. Given our jobs and work dynamic we cannot let others know of our relationship and so she often treats others at work with respect or at the very least friendship. At the same time she often treats me with derision or contempt. I’ve said stuff to her before and she apologizes but tells me at the same time that I’m being unfair.
All of what I’m saying is that certainly many ENTJs have an outward appearance of competence and ability. Within relationships, however, there is a disturbing power play that requires them to always be on top, for them always to be the best at whatever they do, regardless of the cost to themselves or their relationships. They are often neglectful of their significant other’s feelings, but when it is brought up or pointed out to them, they certainly are contrite and sincerely apologetic but still revert back to their old ways rather quickly. They rarely ever care to change or, even more importantly, care to think about changing or care to monitor themselves to see if what they are doing is appropriate or fair. They are rigid and all about “efficiency” despite the fact that that approach cannot and does not work for interpersonal relationships.
Good luck.
Hey Andrew! Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences and observations. Your wife is going to struggle until she can force herself to slow down and explore her Intuitive copilot. Can you encourage her to get massages or go to a spa and get pampered (but only if she quietly submits to the attentions she is receiving)? Would she consider trying yoga? Anything that helps her slow down and get into her head will make her a more contented person.
This was very helpful for understanding my ENTJ son, but as an INFJ myself, I already had a good ‘handle’ on him. 😉 But really, I see how he can get ‘jammed up’ by ‘feely’ stuff, and how he’ll react by being snarky or overbearing (in some peoples’ views). That being said, he’s a sensitive, ethical and intuitive young man… as a child he was always very responsible – in his occupation I’ve encouraged him to go into management, which he doesn’t want to do – but I see his integrity and leadership qualities as something that is needed in that situation. He’d rather stay ‘in the trenches’ though.
He will likely want to come out of ‘the trenches’ when he has gained some confidence… or realizes the frustration of operating under someone who is incompetent.
I think it is awesome that you are an INFJ. Since you use Perspectives unconsciously, you can help him learn to develop his copilot from an early age. Make sure he is perspective shifting and taking time to slow down and spend a little time in his head. Your guidance at this time will help him live a much more successful and happy life.
Hi Charis, thank you for the kind words. I’ve always tried to support and encourage my ENTJ son’s emotional “woo woo” side, and I’m fairly certain he does accept that part of his life. While he gets irritated with people who he may view as not as smart or evolved as he says he is, he is respectful of others’ beliefs. He’s very loving in his own way, and is super-attentive and helpful to the elders in his family- he’s “stepped in” where he’s seen that they were being neglected or ignored. He definitely has a strong internal “fire” and passion!
Antonia, All I’m going to say (other than thanks for this podcast) is that I have, LITERALLY, been driving around all week with my real, factory-made car’s “check engine” light on. Every time I get in the car, I think, “Oh, man, I need to go the mechanic. Okay, well, after my meeting/appointment/luncheon, I’ll go. I have to fulfill my commitment and then I’ll take care of it.” Guess I better put it on my calendar, so I don’t end up on the side of the road. How’s that for a metaphor, huh?
Haha! Thanks for the comment, Laura! I actually get excited when my check engine light turns off – which doesn’t happen very often. 😉
You described the last 2 years of my life. I had stepped back into the 10 yr old, appreciating the moment, trying to not concern myself too much with others and their thoughts or feelings because of several negative reactions to my being honest (or what I would call loving!). I’ve been largely silent and almost apathetic to share for some time. More recently, I can appreciate how others got to the conclusions they have. I can disagree and feel free to question others process in a friendly and curious manner and others feel honored by my curious nature about them. Patience…yes. I’ve been learning a lot about patience and timing.
I think that the introverted intuition part has helped me think through when the time is best to bring up “difficult to hear” information. I am excited about the next season, but it’s a challenge to begin to believe it’s worth getting back out there and being bold cause I think people may still have emotional responses before they think through the issue. We’re all a work in progress aren’t we? I appreciate the encouragement to develop my copilot cause I definitely could use that.
Glad it resonated! Thanks for taking the time to comment with feedback. 🙂
-A-
Howdy,
I’m an ENTJ, and I just finished listening to this podcast. I almost didn’t leave a comment, because I figured it’d be a waste of time, but then I realized this would probably actually be a good way to apply what I learned concerning the value of Ni. I’ll actually understand my type better (and therefore live better) if I take the time to write out and better understand what you two talked about. So, here are my thoughts on what you two said:
ENTJs lead with effectiveness: Now, I must say, I was wondering the entire time whether or not “effectiveness” is the best word for Te. I definitely agree that the drive for effectiveness is the biggest manifestation of Te. But I like referring to it as extroverted thinking (Te) precisely because it is broad, and I think it might include more than simply the frame of mind in which one thinks of how to quickly and efficiently get stuff done. It seems to me to be an entire mode of thinking that is characterized by the ability to break things down. Extroverted thinking is, in my opinion, to break things down, to separate, to order. And I think that the ability to break things down is well illustrated by my love for bullet points. I think in terms of “Okay, here is the idea [first bullet point], and here are that idea’s components [the sub-points]. I write papers in terms of bullet points. I approach relationships in terms of bullet points — under the heading of “People,” I have my roommates. Under “Roommates,” I have Josh. Under “Josh,” I have spend time with. Under “Spend time with,” I have a lot of points: for fun, for study, to get advice, to give advice, with other people, with just him, etc. Now, obviously, I don’t actually write these things out (usually), but it’s how I most naturally think of them.
As another example of Te being a love to break things down, I also approach my strategy to living in this way. My ESTJ roommate, INTJ roommate, and I recently got a whiteboard out, and were experimenting with different ways we could split up our individual lives into a number of categories that we can make sure to hit every day. It was quite elaborate, and I don’t have it in front of me, otherwise I’d give examples of how it looked.
So, final word on this topic: I think that if you were to read my description of Te, you would probably say “Yeah, I agree! And in all of those things, why are you doing it? Why are you putting these into bullet points? It’s because you want to be as efficient as possible.” That’s true. However, I suppose that the real distinction is this: MBTI typically has been designed to explain HOW we cognate, not WHY. I break things down in order to be efficient. Thus, for that reason, I think Te is best explained in terms of breaking things down, for it is by that means that efficiency happens. Or, I suppose you could mention both in its definition: “Te breaks things down in order to be efficient.” I don’t know.
As far as Ni is concerned, I liked your emphasis on it. I actually formerly typed as an INTJ, and I think it was because as I took those tests, I kept identifying with myself at my best, and I am at by best when I’m consciously working toward using Ni. I think this happens because it takes conscious effort to use your second function, whereas your first is hard to even notice because it’s so core to who you are. I also appreciated the analogy about the car: I took from it that when Fi flares up, Ni should go to the rescue. Basically, you don’t need to use your Fi when Fi is broken; use your Ni to examine yourself, though. I also almost laughed when you talked about not being scared of Ni for sounding new age. At the very point you were saying that, I was thinking “Yeah, but that introspection stuff is for hippies.” 😛 I also appreciated the idea of Ni leaving room for unknowns. Your brother came to the point in which he said “I don’t know these things.” Just last year, I went through a bit of an internal crisis in which everything I was so certain about came under heavy fire, and the point that saved me was when I was listening to a philosopher define what a good argument is: a good argument will have two things: its conclusion will follow logically and necessarily from its propositions, and the propositions in the argument will be more probably true than false. This was an eye-opening moment for me, in which I realized that I don’t have to know something. Also, it was very helpful for me to play with possibilities: “Okay, if X ends up happening, then I’m good, because that’s what I want. But if X does not happen, that’s also fine, because I am prepared for it.” I don’t know, I guess just taking the time to deal with all the possibilities and perspectives was immensely helpful. I tend to not think of Ni in terms of perspectives, but in terms of possibilities and probabilities (but perspectives is a good term, too).
I guess those were my two main takeaways. I’ve spent too long writing this anyway. But I want you both to know that I really appreciated the last hour of listening to the podcast and writing this response out. Thank you very much!
Jordan
I’m really honored you took the time to write this post, and I acknowledge it was also for personal benefit. Win/wins are always ideal.
You’re right – Effectiveness doesn’t come close to describing the cognitive function of Extraverted Thinking with completeness. It’s not intended to add accuracy but to generate accessibility to new users of cognitive functions. I wrote an apologist article for why we chose to use nicknames and why we chose the specific nicknames we did. Feel free to read it here if you’re interested: https://www.personalityhacker.com/nicknames-for-8-jungian-cognitive-functions/
Thank you for your feedback. 😀
-A-
Awesome post, my brother. Thank you. 🙂
Hahaha, Jordan, I have said, my whole life, “Let’s break this down.” I thought it was understood that was for efficiency’s sake. Now, I have to check with my family to see if they know that’s what I mean/meant.
And, wait…everyone doesn’t think in bullet points? No wonder so many people are disorganized and inefficient.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Jordan,
Good insights on the possibility/probability aspect of Ni – thanks.
I completely resonate with your example (if X happens, that’s what I wanted… if not, I’m cool because I’m already prepared) and I’ve watched it play out over and over in family and work situations. I know I am in a good place when I can use Ni to gauge probabilities such as outcomes/behavior and, ultimately, to then minimize my attachment to (a.k.a. need to control) the final outcome.
As an INFP male, I find this type very fascinating to study. I know only one ENTJ who is a female. I personally love connecting with a few people at a time on a deep intuitive level, and if I could connect deeply with an ENTJ woman that would be awesome to me! Are there any inputs on whether this type likes or even desires someone who is “passive” supporter encouraging them in whatever it is ENTJs want to lead in? Being alongside someone reaching for the top would be very rewarding for me, if, say, I loved them. I suppose she would have to be content with reverse gender roles because otherwise it would never work. That comes with maturity and love for oneself. Shared thoughts would be great!
Hi Luke! Thanks for the question. There is a natural polarity between Thinkers and Feelers that creates attraction. Most of the Thinker females I know are drawn to Feeler males. The toughest part would probably be the Judger/Perceiver polarity. However, if two people went into a relationship recognizing those differences they could actually make it work. The Judger would make the Perceiver more organized (potentially) and the Perceiver could help the Judger become a little more laid back. I know of at least one couple where the female is ENTJ and the male is INFP.
Hi,
Thank you for your great job. At a point when you were discussing past wounds and Fi, for a few seconds I cried (without tears!). This is exactly right, if an ENTJ is ever truly frightened, he will never go back to that point. And I am telling you no one takes us to that point for the first time except ourselves. So, thanks for your info which was right.
About your solution, it is not that simple. In your analogy (check engine light) I do not ignore the alarm merely because I want to get the job done. Sometimes (many times) it is because I see many other bigger alarms going on. And those bigger alarms come from Fi (if I stop now, how can I earn the money to help my mother fix her teeth?). I am damn lonely in this Te-Fi loop (this is a bigger loop inside of which there is the Te-Se loop and Ni just knows everything and is strong to the point that does not let you enjoy the moment with Si). And while everyone sees me as a very successful person, I think I have consumed all my emotional resources (yes when you use a function you save it from dying, when you ignore it you deplete it) and I may fail before I get “there.”
Anyways, ENTJ has been too much stereotyped to the point where I could never accept myself as ENTJ, I said I am either ENTP or ENFP. But now I am planning to pull over and fix the engine. I will not start from Fi, I will start from Si. Meanwhile, I will try not to hurt my Fi by ignoring it unnecessarily just due to the habit of ignoring it.
Thanks again,
J
Thanks for the comment J! It sounds like you are in a painful loop. At the end of your comment you said you would start from Si. I’m not sure if that was a typo, but if you are ENTJ you need to develop your copilot – which is Ni (aka Perspectives). Try this simple exercise: Think of 3 villains in history or in your own world. Ask yourself why they behaved as they did/do. Try to imagine yourself making the same choices based upon their environment and perspective. Do this until compassion emerges for these ‘villains.’
Thank Charis. I was wrong. Si is too far to be reached. If I use TeNi properly, I reach a relaxed state that INDIRECTLY takes care of Si as well. When I wrote that comment I had read sth that explained how Si is neglected by ENTJs. (going by template!)
You are right; the key is Ni. I appreciate the villains example. yes I should practice it more often. I also found this Ni-related solution absolutely helpful. You may want to share it with other ENTJs:
We have a thirst for getting the jobs done. We enjoy doing more and stepping forward. Problem: We plan too many tasks for a given period of time because we only consider pure working and we neglect information gathering and learning process (Ni). ==> too many tasks for a given period of time. In the middle of getting the tasks done (Te) we encounter unforeseen KNOWLEDGE-BASED problems; then we ask and google. If we get the solution instantly we are good to go. If not we become crazy; love for learning the solution deeply vs. emergency for getting the tasks done. This starts the anxiety. Which pushes us into a very painful process: distract yourself with Se followed by guilt and assuming we have more problems deep down. Then use Ni to learn about the problems so that you can fully remove them and move on (see, now Te has become agenda/inferior)
The key to our success is (in my view) this: If we assume that we can work only 2-4 hours a day, we become super productive. How? When we plan, when we think about the future, etc. we should allocate only about 10% for Te. 40% for Ni. Why? because 10-15% of ENTJ’s Te is a laser focused drill no one can even imagine how fast it can get the jobs done. 40% only for learning process. And 50% for Life! (Se+Fi).
I have an experience using the method I just described for about 6 months (without knowing anything about MBTI) while I had an ISFP girl friend. Everything was just perfect until I stepped forward for a very big goal and ruined everything without thinking through~! Ni is the key. Always.
Thank you again,
J
If I had eight hours to chop don a tree, I would spend 6 hours sharpening my ax. -Lincoln
Fascinating Insights! Thanks for sharing. I love the percentage breakdown. I am a junky for statistics. 😉
Hello. I’m an INFP aspiring to become a screenwriter. I’m in the process of creating an ENTJ female character in one of my projects and found this podcast very useful. I only know one ENTJ, and he’s a guy. I’d like to know a bit more about ENTJs in general, but perhaps more specifically about females of this type. How do you deal with people who expect you to behave in a more “feminine” way? For ENTJs in general, how do you deal with the emotions of other people? What would intrigue you about another person? What intrigues other people about you? What are the pros and cons of having relationships (platonic, romantic, or otherwise) with different types? What are some things you wish other people knew about you? What are some things you purposefully conceal from others and why? I know this is a lot but I’m just really curious. ENTJs are very interesting to me, which is why I’m creating a character with this type. I want to create someone authentic and avoid stereotyping. Any thoughts?
Hi Sarah,
You have asked so many great questions. The answers are complex.
As a 60-yr-old female ENTJ, I have lived a life of frustration. It has been difficult to convince my peers (or superiors) that I know what I’m talking about and have valuable insight and advice.
I have mostly adopted a more “feminine” behavior in order to get jobs, have friends and a social life (meaning: I try not to speak with authority; I don’t express my opinions unless asked nor do I challenge the “status quo”).
After I turned 40, I started my own business so I could do what I wanted. I hate hate hate incompetence and inefficiency. I love to debate and analyze situations. That’s stimulating and fulfilling to me. I don’t know very many men who want to do that with women. The few women that I know who do, only like to analyze and debate things that directly affect their lives — nothing abstract or hypothetical or statistical. Nope.
Women ENTJs that I see on television, or in the movies, seem to have people who admire them for their ENTJ-ness. I don’t know anyone in real life who does that. Generally, women haven’t understood me and men have felt threatened by me because I don’t ask for permission.
Even when I’m right, I don’t get the credit or recognition for it. I can’t tell you how many times men have said what I’ve been saying for days, or minutes, or years and suddenly “WOW! That’s a great idea! Why didn’t we think of that before?” And I’m stunned. Every time.
My life would have been infinitely easier if I had been born a man. Or a lesbian. Or if I had a bunch of initials after my name like Ph.D, M.D., Esq., MBA.
Laura, you just described my life. I am 38 right now… wishing you all the best!
You nailed it!!! I have struggled to try being more lady like. Hate it! Want to run with the men. Women are too boring and slow for me but the boys don’t let you in their clubs unless you bring cookies to meetings.
Frustration has been the epitome of my life. Never feeling I fit in. Women don’t get me and men don’t want me.
Laura,
I am an INTJ male. I think you might be surprised at how much of your life experience that you just described applies to rationals and intuitives in general and is not primarily due to you being a woman. In particular, the part about you giving good advice that gets ignored until someone else says it has happened to me countless times.
I can, however, imagine it is more difficult for rational women in general, as you have two choices for relationships with men, both personal and business: 1) other highly intelligent and sophisicated rationals who will ‘co-rule’ with you so to speak, or 2) easily manipulated quasi-idiots who you can order around and use like pseudonyms or proxies in order to get things done. Rational males can deal with mediocre females and not have a problem, whereas rational females will no doubt find themselves stymied by mediocre males who have a male ego and a desire for independence, yet lack the necessary big picture attitude that would take them to the next level.
Hello, I’m an ENTJ female. This podcast resonated with me on many levels and it was interesting to hear them validate my experience as a female specifically. I have had trouble relating to other females my whole life, for instance I tried out for sororities in college 4! times, being rejected each time. They felt like I wasn’t feminine or “sorority” enough for them. I found myself to be most comfortable with male friends, I could relate to them and talk to them. They often would comment about how I wasn’t like other girls (meaning overly dramatic or emotional) and was not coy or passive aggressive. I don’t believe these are inherently female traits, but can be stereotypical ones. Over the years of internal introspection I have learned that others don’t respond to direct answers the way I think they will or should, they take it personally like a direct attack on their person. So, I have learned to use “I” statements more when speaking and starting with “in my opinion” more. I find this helps let them know I’m not attacking them per say. The only time I have a real conflict with another type, is if it’s with some who is overly emotional or dramatic. This is highlighted in my relationship with my 8 year old daughter, who is dramatic like all 8 year old girls, but it triggers me to be super cold and withdraw from her if she is not being logical about something. This is not ideal, obviously, so I’m working on my patience with that and internal self-script, also just recognizing the pattern is helpful to be able to step out from it.
Recently my life took a turn that I was not expecting, I didn’t get the job that I was expecting and it threw me for a loop. I was feeling very out of control and uncomfortable. But this only lasted a few days until I realized I just needed to make a list of things to do so that I could check them off, I felt calm almost instantly having a task list.
The people I am most drawn to are others who are driven and successful, I’m looking to learn from them or emulate them. Anyone who can teach me something new is worth knowing. On the flip side, I’m least attracted to people who are lazy, can’t fulfill obligations, are passive-aggressive, or overly dramatic/emotional. To deal with these people if forced, I try and understand why they do the things they do and “speak their language” if possible, but this usually doesn’t happen until I’ve hurt their feelings at least once or twice without knowing it. I wish people would just say so, then I could adjust my behavior to fit them better. Instead it’s constantly a guessing game as to why they are upset or acting “weird”.
I’m married to a guy who hasn’t been typed, but his style and mine mesh very well because he is so laid back that he lets me drive the relationship for the most part. He has been following my career since our college days and appreciates and applauds my successes. This is great, because if I was with an equally driven person it would be a constant battle and someone would have to compromise their dreams. This also gets in the way sometimes, I’m irritated with his lack of “get up and go” sometimes. Also, if given a task, he sometimes doesn’t do it in the timeline that I had envisioned, so it’s taken many years of practice to say “it’s ok, it doesn’t matter how he does it as long as it gets done.” That is painful for me if he’s doing something the long way. But he also is irritated that while I have vision and ambition to get things started the final details don’t always matter as long as it’s done. A few paint drops or a smeared line don’t matter to me and as long as the room is painted and done–those details bother him a great deal. It’s a give and take and it has taken a long time to realize these things about myself. Hope that helps a little!!!
Sarah,
I am chuckling at your first question. How do I deal with people who *EXPECT* me to behave in a more feminine way?! Simple. I don’t deal with them. I have very little interest in other people’s expectations for my behavior or my appearance, ESPECIALLY when gender stereotypes creep into the equation. I usually deal with those people by ignoring them or, if they offer unsolicited opinions continuously, saying something rude or sarcastic so they’ll leave me alone. Diplomatic? No. Satisfying? Yes.
By contrast, I take my self-imposed expectations (feminine or otherwise) very seriously. Case in point, I have a personal dress code for social occasions and more shoes than I can count. I think people can sense my rigidity in this area because they typically assume that I project my personal expectations onto to them, which isn’t necessarily true. If you love it, wear it!
In my 32 years, the people who seem exceptionally confused by me are those who rely on first impressions: they see my hourglass figure… and then I open my mouth and the ENTJ runs them over 😉
Good luck with the character!