Podcast – Episode 0162 – 3 Steps To Optimize Your Relationship
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In this episode Joel and Antonia discuss three steps to optimize your romantic relationship.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- This podcast will build on some of the previous podcasts on relationships.
- Most people have aspects of their relationship that they would like to change.
- One of the biggest challenges in a relationship is a lack of clear vision as to the desired outcome of a relationship.
- What outcome do you want in your relationship?
- We have this idea that relationships should be organic and spontaneous.
- Since attraction is organic, we think the relationship will continue in the same vein.
- Focus on the things we do want rather than the things we don’t want.
- What kind of relationship do you want?
- When we have a clear outcome, we know when we are getting closer to it. But when we don’t have a clear outcome, we will create markers of success to determine how we are doing.
- These markers of success are other people’s relationships.
- However, we only get to see external aspects of another relationship, so we experience dissatisfaction based upon a limited amount of info.
- Other people’s relationships have their own system. You may be comparing apples to oranges. They are different people with different needs.
- Gain clarity in areas where you may be unrealistic about your expectations.
- Do you have a list of deal breakers? Are they realistic?
- Ideal, perfect relationships don’t exist.
- How do you want your life to look?
- How do you want your relationship to look?
- How do you want to feel?
- Are you showing up at your best?
- Are you overly idealistic?
- Do you really want a relationship?
- Are you willing to grow and change to get what you want?
- Your highest likelihood of success comes from working on becoming the best version of yourself.
- Why do you want the things you want?
- What makes them so important?
- Can you build flexibility into the outcome and create principles instead of rules?
- Don’t hyperfocus on what you want.
- Look at the system of your relationship as it stands.
- Systems thinking podcast.
- What is happening in the relationship?
- What can you change?
- Do what you can with the reality around you.
- Get clear on the outcome then ask, what are the nodes that are not leading to the emergent you crave?
- If you feel your spouse is the node that is creating an issue, you may have to make peace with that. You may have to shift your perspective.
- What are you bringing to the table that could be causing the disruption?
- Often the blame we project on our spouse is based upon something we bring into the relationship.
- It isn’t their problem. It is ours.
- Now that you have clarity around what you want, and what the current situation is, ask yourself: what action can you take?
- This isn’t about what you want as much as what you have control and influence over.
- You don’t have control over your spouse or your in-laws. You only have control over yourself and how you choose to perceive the situation.
- Identify the actions you have the ability to take that will shift the system in the direction you want.
- We can have high levels of influence even if we have little control.
- Influence is very powerful. It is how we persuade other people to come to our way of thinking.
- When we try to control a situation, as opposed to influence it, any change is temporary.
- Influence helps us to align our desires with other’s desires, which may mean compromise.
- In any relationship, the only right a person has is the right to leave. Everything else is negotiable.
- If you choose to be in a relationship, you have entered a contract where you must negotiate everything with that other person.
- Relationships can terrify us when we consider how little control we have.
- None of us have full control.
- In our choice to share our lives with another person, we must learn to align our desires with the other.
- Recognize you are in a three-legged race. Influence each other to do the best you can together.
- Be clear about the path you want to be on.
- Do you want to be in a relationship with this person specifically?
- Or do you simply just want to be in a relationship?
- What is the system running in your relationship now?
- What was the system running at the time that created the emergent that is causing the problem?
- Over what parts of the relationship do you have influence?
- Assuming happiness won’t come until the other person makes the changes you want will never be successful.
- Infidelity is a catch-all phrase to apply to a lot of different contexts.
- Some people have a hard time staying loyal to one person.
- Some people have some emotional issues that are creating the dynamic of infidelity.
- What was the system in place that created the lack of integrity in the first place? Can that integrity be regained?
- Sit down with your mate and ask,
- “What is your desired outcome for this relationship?”
- “What do we want to accomplish at the end of our lives?”
- Are there any obstructions to get you to the place you want to go?
- How can you both tackle those obstructions together?
- What strengths and weaknesses do you both bring?
- What can you take responsibility for as individuals? And as a couple?
- Don’t forget to have gratitude for what you have instead of wishing for something someone else has.
- 3 Nodes discussed in this podcast:
- Find the outcome you both want
- Understand the systems running that may be contributing to the outcome or detracting from it
- Taking action and responsibility for the things that need to be done to reach the desired outcome
- Have you implemented a similar system in your relationship?
- Tell us about it.
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The best version of our self, that is something I have been thinking and planning allot lately after all this reading and watching of self improvement videos. I have started a business, but want allot of flexibility. At the moment I working on being happy and focused in myself, so that a relationship will always possible at any point and i will always be in a place to find one.
Thanks for the feedback on the
MOOC idea! It’s not something
that has come up for discussion
but you never know! 🙂
This is really insightful. Putting systems thinking into practice is a great art. Have you ever thought of doing a MOOC on this? This sort of strategy will have its greatest impact when large numbers of people buy into it.