The Complete Guide to INFJ & INTJ Relationships
I’m an INTJ personality type. And, for most of my life, I felt like it was very hard to find a partner who really “got” me. That changed when I started dating an INFJ—someone who is like me in so, so many ways, yet as different as the sun and the moon in others. The relationship we’ve built together may not always be what people might call an “explosive” love, but it’s one of the happiest and most fulfilling I’ve ever had.
It turns out we’re not the only ones. While INFJs and INTJs can butt heads around our Thinking/Feeling divide, in many ways, we are drawn to each other. As a result, this pairing is a common one (as common as any pairing can be for such rare personality types). If you know an INFJ/INTJ couple, expect them to be together for a while—there is a good chance that wedding invitations are in the future.
What Makes INFJs and INTJs A Perfect Match?
Both INFJs and INTJs have Introverted iNtuition or “Perspectives” as their dominant mental process, which makes them brilliant, but also makes them quirky outliers who often don’t fit in. As a result, when an INFJ and INTJ meet they can easily feel like it’s the first time anyone has truly understood them.
Having a dominant Perspectives function in common also lets INFJs and INTJs dive deep into each other’s experiences. This mental process, which I liken to metacognition, is what allows human beings to step back and take a bird’s-eye view of the world, including how other people think. When Perspectives-dominant people are together, they find it easy to see past each other’s differences and identify underlying similarities. This is part of what makes these two types form such deep bonds, and why INFJ/INTJ relationships feels so smooth.
Other things that make this a great pairing include:
- The conversations never get old. Anyone who’s had a long relationship knows that, over time, you can run out of topics to talk about. But INFJs and INTJs always seem to have fuel for great conversation. Yes, things do quiet down after a few months—we’ve already heard each other’s funniest stories, after all. But with our shared love of learning, and the joy we take in connecting different ideas, conversation remains intellectual and riveting long-term.
- You can be quiet together. The introvert couple that stfu’s together stays together. It’s impossible to overstate how gratifying it is to spend time with my partner, doing separate things in complete silence. It could be reading, writing, or simply perusing our devices side-by-side; we’re both totally happy with quiet time. (The INFJ is more prone to breaking the silence with an amusing observation, while the INTJ will produce less frequent but far longer rants about something they just read.)
- These two types back each other up. If you’ve never experienced it, it’s hard to understand how meaningful it is to have a partner who supports your life goals. This may be especially true for INTJs and INFJs, who both tend to have big ambitions but occasional problems with implementation. Thankfully, the problems tend to be complementary: I can help my INFJ plan her work and troubleshoot problems, while she helps me take the social pulse of a situation and gauge whether a project will even find an audience.
Finally, as Introverts and Judgers, both the INTJ and the INFJ tend to have a reserved, “normal” exterior covering up a whole lot of iNtuitive weirdness underneath. Together, we get to let our quirky sides out and indulge our flights of fancy—without giving up our generally organized lives.
The Differences Every INTJ/INFJ Couple Must Navigate
All of the above may sound made in heaven, but every couple has their differences. While each INFJ/INTJ couple is unique, here are some of the differences I see come up most often:
INFJs care about people. INTJs care about knowledge.
About 60% of the arguments an INTJ/INFJ couple have boil down to one thing: the INTJ talking in blunt terms about ideas they think could be factually correct while the INFJ struggles with how those ideas impact them (or others they care about). INFJs tend to see the personal side of any topic and don’t enjoy discussions that ignore this side. INTJs, on the other hand, enjoy discussing the merits of the idea itself, in abstract terms, and treat the personal impact as a footnote. This can come off as deeply insulting, without the INTJ realizing why.
If you have been in an INFJ/INTJ relationship, you can probably think of many examples of discussions where this happened. They may have become heated—even though both people were “right” in some sense. INTJs take note: the Thinker/Feeler divide has nothing to do with how intelligent either person is, but it is a dramatic difference in worldview. It may be the single biggest source of conflict in any Thinker/Feeler relationship.
INFJs lift people up. INTJs criticize.
In general, INTJs can come across as overly negative, picking apart the inefficiencies or shortcomings of any situation, and this can exhaust an INFJ. Meanwhile, INFJs tend to put out a lot of reassuring, supportive words to those they love, and these words can seem insincere or meaningless to an INTJ—who would much rather get results than a pat on the head.
INTJs can see the future. But INFJs see the present, too.
INTJs primarily use Perspectives to forecast how a system will work, predicting problems before they arise and building elegant solutions long before they’re needed. We live almost entirely in the future. INFJs, on the other hand, key in on a deep level to the people around them, reading what’s going on behind the scenes right now. An INFJ learns early in life to trust his or her gut feeling about someone they meet, while an INTJ views hunches with suspicion (often to their detriment).
INTJs plan everything. INFJs learn by doing.
As an INTJ, it seems obvious to me that the “best” way to achieve any goal is to plan out the steps to reach it; the only potential downside is dragging your feet too long in the planning stage. But with my INFJ, I’ve witnessed an amazing alternative approach: rather than studying, learning and planning before acting, she simply looks for people who are already succeeding and copies what they do. This “learn by imitation” strategy means she can start a new project with nothing more than a vague plan, and—if she has good role models to look at—vastly outpace me at bringing it to fruition.
INTJs prize efficiency. INFJs prize comfort.
While an INFJ and INTJ’s personalities are similar, the minutiae of how we live our lives are almost completely different. When I leave the apartment, for example, I make sure the key is in my hand before I get to the door; my INFJ waits till she’s there and then looks for it in her purse. In the car, I give most of my attention to driving efficiently—for example, switching lanes ahead of time to go around someone who’s making a left turn. My INFJ takes no particular steps to get to where she’s going faster. Instead, her attention is on the conversation, music, or something else enjoyable. In almost everything in life, she will choose comfort or ease of convenience over pure efficiency, and I will choose the opposite.
What happens when INTJ/INFJ couples fight?
Because of their dominant Perspectives function, INTJ/INFJ couples actually have the power to prevent small peeves from turning into big fights, especially if they are a little older and have learned the power of compromise. But no couple is perfect, and fights happen. What’s fascinating about this pairing is how they happen—and how they can be salvaged.
In general, whether a disagreement turns into a fight depends on which mental processes the couple uses to address it. For both the INFJ and the INTJ, the Copilot process is the ideal decision maker. For INFJs that means Extraverted Feeling (“Harmony“), and for INTJs it’s Extraverted Thinking (“Effectiveness“).
Here are the complete car models of both types:
When a disagreement comes up, and both partners use their Copilot functions, they’re likely to defray it with no major argument. The INTJ, for example, might think, “If I just give in on this, our plans for tonight won’t get derailed,” leading them to compromise—a perfect use of Effectiveness. The INFJ might think, “Arguing about this will be disruptive and cause me stress, and I don’t want that,” and make a similar small sacrifice. The result: no fight.
But sometimes one or both partners won’t stay in Copilot mode. This could be for several reasons:
- They had to make too many small compromises already, and decide to dig in their heels.
- They’re stressed or defensive because of something else—a bad day at work, for example, or following a difficult diet.
- The issue that comes up is so big and stressful that one partner (or both) automatically go into defensive mode.
When this happens, the INTJ/INFJ couple will fall into their 10-year-old mental processes. An INTJs 10-year-old is Introverted Feeling (“Authenticity“), which involves getting indignant and feeling violated. An INFJs 10-year-old is Introverted Thinking (“Accuracy“), which involves second guessing the truthfulness of every statement.
In other words:
During a fight, the INTJ becomes the Feeler, and the INFJ becomes the Thinker. And they are both incompetent at these roles.
The INTJ will start to rant about the unfairness of the situation. They may construct elaborate metaphors or hypotheticals trying to make their feelings understood. They could try to turn the tables and argue that they are the victim in the situation, even if they were actually the one who caused the initial slight. They will cast blame on their partner.
The INFJ will start to demand answers to impossible questions: Why did you say this and not that? They may revisit the timeline of who said what and who said it first. They can dig into a vast repository of past slights, quoting something their partner said years ago as proof that the partner is lying or wrong. Rather than just arguing about the current situation, they will question their partner’s intentions in the relationship itself.
How to Resolve an INTJ/INFJ Fight
There is a way out of these fights, but it’s hard to implement in the heat of the moment. It involves physically separating. This wouldn’t be a good idea for every couple, but INFJs and INTJs are both Judgers and they both need resolution in the fight—a noble instinct that, unfortunately, leads them to keep arguing until someone gets hurt.
If they can force themselves to physically separate, however, it’s impossible to keep arguing the point. Instead, they have to go over it again and again in their own heads, alone. This is the ideal circumstance for their dominant Perspectives function to take over. Perspectives is a slow, contemplative mental process that’s excellent at analyzing things. If the INFJ and INTJ can just be alone for a while, they will essentially meditate on what happened and see the other person’s point of view.
I call this approach “kicking it upstairs,” because it returns you to your Driver process. Getting out of the 10-year-old mindset is incredibly hard in the heat of the moment because you’re defending against each new statement from your partner. Once you’re alone, however (and your phone is silenced), you have no new stimuli. It’s much easier to get into the reflective mode of Perspectives because it’s the only source of new revelations about the conflict.
Only after this “cooldown” period will the INFJ or INTJ return to their Copilot process. It’s after an hour apart that I can say to myself, “The health of our relationship is a lot more important to me than winning on this issue. The effective thing to do is to compromise.” I find that my INFJ is much more caring afterward, too.
The one catch with this approach is that you can’t use it as a weapon. Neither an INFJ nor INTJ will react well to their partner walking out on them mid-argument—they will feel betrayed. Instead, you have to agree in advance to use this process the next time you fight, and then someone has to invoke it when the time comes. Emphasize that you’re excusing yourself so you can have a chance to think and that you want to cool down and approach the issue from a better place.
As a whole, an INFJ/INTJ relationship is extremely fulfilling, and it tends to be a smooth one. Are you an INFJ or INTJ who has dated the other type? Are you in a relationship with one right now? What do you feel pulls you two together—and what are the biggest stumbling blocks?
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I’m 34 and been with my intj wife for 16 years. This article is great especially because i thought i was an ENFJ for so long coming from a heavily extraverted family. She’s always saw my true self and helped me in sorting out the toxicity in my life that was causing all the stress. i have so many things I wanted to write just now but in all honesty this article is just awesome and more importantly accurate, learning to keep our privacy private is key and a lot of people have a hard time respecting that. Not all infjs and intjs are the same but this article still connects a lot of dots
I’m an INFJ and she’s an INTJ, I remember when we first met lol, she was really all over me with so much observing eyes and I felt the same way, we became friends and then best friends until we got deep into a relationship. She’s more like my mirror self and everything about this article made me laugh at memories of our arguments and fights because she’s always the first to call and try to resolves the issues and I can’t resist because I’ve had same thoughts too. We’ve not been together the longest but we both feel like soulmates, she’s compliments me in so many ways about my desire to grow, help people, read books, going about my business and the projection of the kind of future I want with her. We plan together and really love each other. This article have just really helped me in understanding myself more and my partner. Good read.
Sounds like the INTJ and INFJ couples should have their own private sensory deprivation tanks. If they start fighting and want to stop they just go lay in their tanks and then come out all better after an hour or so.
Your article is amazing!! It really says alot about the challenges and rewards the relationship has to offer. The personality test said I am INFJ-A. I am in denial but I have most of the personality traits, unfortunately. My partner is INTJ and he is exactly what you said in your article. We are similar in many ways but so different. It’s almost like we complement each other. We drive each other crazy, but, there will be times when he shows me how much he loves me in a unique way. He doesn’t have to say anything for me to see he’s having a bad day at work. We don’t have to converse in bed but we are happy to be next to each other. It’s definitely an interesting relationship I have ever been in. We have been together for 11 years, btw.
This is an amazingly written article that sums up my relationship exactly. It feels like someone has been watching us and wrote it all down. Every single step of this piece describes us except that we never understood this thinking/feeling divide and how to alleviate any issues with it. We very rarely ever fought but when we did it was only this. I wasn’t emotional enough but never noticed I wasn’t because that doesn’t come naturally to me. She would brush it off instead of mentioning it to me and then once it piled up long enough a fight broke out over it. Again, we never fought except for this. The only relationship either of us has ever had where we also the other’s true and best friend. Neither of us has ever met anyone that understands us so our chance meeting was an amazing thing. Alas, my inability to be outwardly emotional to a high enough degree destroyed it. And I’m well aware I’ll never find anyone like that ever again. This INTJ personality type feels like a curse. Not something to be celebrated for its rarity. All my other relationships have been with extroverts and they were worse. They never seem to understand the need for space unfortunately.
My INTJ could be seen as the extreme type wherein he shuts off anybody for a period of time- most of the time. While I am the intense feeler. My caring nature gets somehow bruised. Give us a topic to discuss and both of us can have hours and hours of fun. But when it comes to differing opinions, it’s a bit hard for the INTJ to accept. This article helped a lot. I am amazed by how well this was written.
Hello, i really like your thoughtful and thorough infomartion. but, this seems to discuss only when the two people are physically together. Have you ever encountered a LDR?
I am ISTJ and he is INTJ, while it is worth to look at the personality characteristics,
It seems for any LDR, all these personalities cannot be applied easily
I’m INTJ and I rarely get into fight with my friend (INFJ) , but sometimes i know she was hurt by my words as you know INTJ talks and speaks logic and don’t really care about feelings, and now I’m trying to learn to understand people’s feelings.
100%. My INFJ hubby and me (INTJ) have been together for 20 years (married 18). He felt like home. We can be silent together and perfectly content and comfortable and we can go into intellectually philosophical, political or artistic conversations, along w/ cracking jokes.
On the section about fighting, we rarely fight, but we normally do go in to co-pilot, but on the rare times a silly disagreement (or misunderstanding) turns in to a fight (or the other person is insulted) and one or both of are under duress, our 10 year old selves come out. We learned in our first year of marriage, space and time fixes these fights.
Reading this article, I found myself laughing, especially w/ the argument section because it’s so true. Thank for teaching me more about the “car models”. Highly effective.
Do you have any children? I have a child from a previous marriage who is most likely an INTP and is 7 years old. I am an INFJ and just met and INTJ.
I’m not in a relationship, but I’m an INTJ female and my best friend is an INFJ female. Everything in this article is so true. We met at 15 & it truly did feel like I found a soulmate BFF. We rarely fight (read: we’ve had 2 major disagreements in 10 years of friendship) and when we do, separation really does allow us to come back with a better perspective of how the other may feel. We are business partners and I couldn’t imagine having a better partner. I do most of the masterminding and she helps show me how to realistically apply those ideas. Her perspective often keeps me in check. I love my best friend! ☺️❤️
As an INFJ, inefficiency makes me cringe. I couldn’t disagree more.
Then you might not be an INFJ. Our personalities are built on intuitive work. All the INFJ’s I know have one thing in common: their life motto is ‘I might not do it the most efficient way, but in the end it will all work out perfectly.’
Not necessarily. It depends on the situation. I’m an INFJ and inefficiency at work makes me cringe because I work for a non-profit (dominant feeling element), so when something is really inefficient, and it negatively impacts a cause that I care deeply about, that bothers me.
Yes yes yes yes
This article made me so happy to read! The good things are already true in my relationship (I’m an INFJ, and my boyfriend is an INTJ) and as for the problems, when they occur I know we’ll be able to get through them. We haven’t been together more than a couple of months yet, so this sounds extremely stupid I realize—but if I don’t marry this man I’ll be devastated. I’ve been in love with an INFP before, and while that was a wonderful fluttery relationship, it doesn’t compare to this feeling of.. hm. It’s like I’ve never felt more like myself before. I’m so comfortable and happy that it freaks me out (a fact which I bring up way too much). Where it matters, our values are completely aligned. Our consideration for the future and all that comes with it, our constant desire for growth in everything we do, and because we have the same insecurities we boost each other up. He more than makes up for not wearing his heart on his sleeve by telling me all of the things he thinks about me, and he’s also shows such genuine interest in the obscure philosophical things I talk about that it’s the first relationship I don’t constantly apologize in for possibly being boring. I love this guy so much. He makes me feel so secure.
This article made me cringe for exactly that reason. I’ve been profiled to be an INFJ, but I try my best to squeeze in efficiency in almost everything I do. So much so that I relate more to the INTJ in the article even though I’m definitely an INFJ. Oof, send help.
I can kind of relate to this mixed feeling, being an efficient-minded INFJ. I just stumbled upon this article researching a book character couple I’m writing (they will be so great together, I’m so happy! ^^). I do try to plan efficiency into a lot of my life, but I think for the underlying reason as mentioned above that INFJs enjoy comfort most of all. That’s my purpose for efficiency. I don’t like rushing out of bed in the morning, I know I’m lazy, so I plan ahead the easiest breakfast I can and pack my lunch for work ahead of time so that I can breeze right along at my own pace. Or, if I need to buy something I research the heck out of it leading me to efficient, fun gadgets that have multiple functions (like, I needed a table for my first apartment and got a table that had pull-out nested stools that were also storage boxes, 3 functions in one!). It means less for me to tidy up later and less other clutter to buy that will just stress me out. I totally let the ball drop sometimes though when I reached the end of my plan (like buying groceries having efficiently used up everything in the pantry) and didn’t plan for the end of my plan because I kind of forgot I was on it because it was working so well…I imagine INTJs find it easier to stay that one step ahead being more attentive to the future.
Great article! I’m an INFJ and I have dated a few INTJ’S. MY most recent relationship is described by your article. We can relate easily to most of what you have said. I too, however, like efficiency. I think my INTJ ‘s idea of effiency is a little more efficent than mine. Though, if we find a crossroads, my ability to get it done, although not most efficient way, always fixes the impasse and then we can move on with the project at hand.
I think people put way too much stock in those letters without looking at the context of their life. I, for instance, am an INTJ. Every single test I have taken told me that, and not even close to being a borderline on anything either. I have researched my type, and the types INTJs are frequently mistyped as. I have researched my types Loop and Grip stress reaction, and both of those for the mistypes as well. DEFINITELY an INTJ. But, if you were to watch how I operate on a daily basis, you’d think that my loosey goosey approach to life would indicate INTP. Nope. Ive just realized that those damned hoomahns are going to throw a monkey wrench in my plans. Every. Single. Time. So I have overarching plans for things, and I try to set up contingencies for what I see as likely ways they would be derailed, but everything has a fair amount of wiggle room built in so I can react on the fly. Of course, nothing ever fails according to plan, either, but i can usually string parts of my contingency plans together and salvage the situation thanks to the built in wiggle room.
Point being, if you take a step back and look at it from a higher vantage point, your efficiency is probably something you have implemented to give you more time and energy on Feeling things that matter to you (or however feelings work)
I see a lot of comments with female INFJs, but I’m a female INTJ. My boyfriend is the INFJ. I can say this article really accurately describes some of the more intimate workings of our relationship. We are celebrating our 2nd anniversary in just over a month and have never fought. We handle disagreements with radical honesty and compromise. I had a good laugh at the part about being together in silence on devices and the INTJ ranting about an article. I can’t count the number of times this has been my reality.
I found the part about disagreements to be incredibly enlightening. Every couple fights, until that first fight, it’s hard to see weakness in the relationship. I once explained to my boyfriend how I shut down when someone raises their voice at me during an argument. I warned him if we were to fight not to yell at me, as it would be counterproductive to finding a solution. I suppose that motivation for the conversation makes me a typical INTJ. In response, he looked at me in horror and said he couldn’t imagine ever being angry with me, let alone raising his voice, and with that he tried to end our conversation. I, of course, pushed back. A fight is coming sooner or later, better to be prepared to work on our communication than blindly continue forward as though rough times never happen. He more or less compromised with me by returning my comment with a nod of acknowledgment.
My point is, when that inevitable fight occurs, I plan to implement some of what I’ve learned here to smooth that bumpy road.
@Kristine
Hey I’m an intj woman married to an intj man. Relationship is awesome. Every time a conflict occurs, although it’s real hard at the moment it gives more understanding between the couple’s. Relationship life is like a tunnel, long and much to explore. But after resolving the fight it feels more closeness. It feels we are connecting more at a deeper level. Love and every aspect of life is so amazing. Infj-intj couple is the best as far as I knew. I have never felt so complete and content in my life with anyone else before. So I encourage you to undergo any conflict or misunderstanding and resolve them. You will be amazed to experience mature love in a deeper level.
Sorry my husband is an infj and I am an intj
I am a female INTJ and my husband of Six years is a INFJ.
Been together 4 years, 2.5 married. INFJ female here, INTJ male hubby.
when we met it felt for years like an awakening. A revelation lol. It still is, but obvs we have been growing a lot lately as Fe and Te clash. In the hardest moments in the Fe/Te fights in the birth of our married life , as all marriages will fight and grow, I mistakenly wondered in my mind why he couldnt have some Fe, like an ESTP, ISTP, and INTP…but I realized his Te is actually much better to my liking than inferior Fe, and his Fi is much more accessible and visible than any of the inferior Fe users Ive known. And I dont think I could stand being married to a Se dominant/aux user (the XSTP). Ive met a bunch -my mom in law, 2 bosses, my sister in laws ex boyfriend- geez, superficially for a few hours great time, for whole day not my cup of tea and vice versa haha. My INTJ actually gets me and we have that telepathic mutual understanding and connection (Ni) and it feels unparalleled from anybody I know, any other type. Te actually is tribe reasons, while Fe is tribe feelings. The key we have found is seeing the strength of those in each others as valid methods, and then try to entice the other in their own language-for him make sure i include or consider his efficiency or objective concerns, w me he would my comfort and subjective “us” concerns. Other than that our marriage is filled 90% (or less if high stress hits like financial where i lost my job fue to chronic illness, illness itself, moving across the country together, etc major major stress…thank goodness each has been getting resolved w new treatment and my life back to normal, ours!) with laughter, harmony, magical time spent together, whether we r outside experiencing w our inferior Se-Im so glad we r at the same level of tolerance and aspiration to it-or doing what we do best-being homebuddies just S’ingTFU and yet feeling connected telepathically in some weird undescribable way. Lol. Im also looking forwad to our 30s and 40s where Im supposed to grow my Ti and he his Fi-wooot! I hope no huge stressirs hit us like they did in our first 2 years married too omgosh. Lol. Stress changes people into their shadow personality but unhealthy way, and it becomes difficult to not be out of character or more or less emotional than one is. Hes the world to me and i to him since we met and hasnt changed but intensified in richer and new heights and ways. I met him online through OKCupid just typing INTJ on search ??? I talked to others, but we became inseparable since. I had met an INTJ in real life by chance before him, there was potential, but we had very different relationship goals and background/values and i was ready to settle. My intj was on same page since we first talked. He even gave me a promise ring 3 months after first talking, and even tho that sounds crazy, we both felt we just knew each other from childhood or from forever, like we had always been together. We really slowly gradually fell in love those 3 months, doing long distance!!, meeting in person first time thats when he gave me the ring. A year later we got engaged. A year later married. 2.5 years later here we r, happy and hoping a long life together. ?? and into personal groeth-namely me my Fe and Ti, how and when to use them is key. He his Te and Fi, likewise. Ti sucks when hes doing Fi, I become cold and analytical whicb he doesnt need or appreciate. This is when i need to use Fe and kicking in my compassion and respect, and he using Te and not Fi to be able to see and act based on reason that I need him to and not whether somethign feels good to him (tertiary Fi).
Such rich information and sentiments here! This article was great, and I love reading the shared stories in the comments. Ahhhhh, the feeling of being understood. So comforting! It helps me to appreciate how precious it is to give anohter the gift of feeling understood.
Thank you for sharing your own story, too, Charis!
Hey Chelsea! Long time no see. I’m glad you enjoyed the story. <3
Thanks so much for this article! My husband is an INFJ and I’m an INTJ. Apparently, INTJ women are considered the “unicorns of people” and I was delighted to find so many INFJ male/ INTJ female couples commenting here. The fights section is dead on. We were both amazed at the accuracy of our little co-pilot tendencies. Excellent insights all around! Thanks again!
INFJ wife to INTJ husband (15 yrs)
1.) INTJ thinks in systems and data. If you state “we should do x because I feel y” then it just won’t work. Provide evidence. Think of a lawyer building their case in a courtroom. INTJs require evidence to come to the same accurate and correct conclusion that an INFJ did using their emotions. If you don’t learn to argue like a lawyer be prepared for weeks and weeks of frustration trying to explain your side of the story. They won’t get it unless you make your argument fact-based.
2.) INTJs like systems / processes / procedures / checklists. Following these helps them to maintain the level of efficiency (and quality) they desire when performing everyday tasks (and may even mentally take metrics / score). Is there a system for loading groceries in the back of the car correctly? Oh yes. Save yourself the stress and just let them have those Detective Monk moments. It really makes them happy. Are they flexible? Yes – but only if you can find an area that could be made more efficient, then they’ll update the process to the more efficient method.
3.) People say that the condition of your house is a reflection of your personality. If everything is organized and stored in a logical manner to aid in the implementation of the most efficient method of doing something they’re usually pretty happy. Once this has been achieved, they’re pretty low maintenance.
4.) INTJ have no sympathy for people doing something stupid or for someone suffering the consequences of poor decision-making. Their stance is that these people expected 2+2 to equal 5 which makes no sense at all. However, once people come to their senses and stop “being dumb” the INTJ would be glad to show them a system to fix whatever issue they are struggling with in their lives.
5.) As an INFJ, I feel that the INTJ is the most wonderful human being ever. Everyone else in this world wears a mask. INTJs are honest and truthful. You know exactly where you stand with them. No mask. No fake laugh or false politeness. When they laugh it’s because you’re funny. When they smile it’s because they’re happy. When they say ” I love you” they tell you it because it is a fact.
6.) The ability to be quiet together cannot be overstated. The world is crazy and exhausting. The time you spend together is like a cocoon that shields you from the world outside. Very much appreciated for two personality types that are rare and are often misunderstood.
My two cents
What about be INTJ male with an ENFJ female? Can you tell me more about this dynamic? An ENFJ female I know my INTJ man loves me (one example of how I know this is because he only took your test because I was curious about his personality type, even though he’s completely distrustful of these things) but I want to be able to connect to him better and help him understand my personality type.
I am an INTJ male engaged to an INFJ female. We have been best friends since we were in seventh grade. Over the past 22 or so years, we have seen each other through divorces, horrible relationships (that she stayed in for nine years — way too long!), career changes, and life as it ebbs and flows. We have been there no matter what happened simply as best friends; neither of us harbouring hidden feelings for the other. For me, I thought that we had no connection after a short kiss in eighth grade; I did not feel any ‘fireworks’ resulting in her being friend-zoned.
That is, until I had helped her escape an abusive relationship (referenced earlier). Shortly after we were taking down a broken limb dangling in bittersweet veins and the sparks starting flying higher and faster than a steel mill. Within three days I had broken up with my girlfriend and we had our first true kiss.
Our long lasting loving link illuminated a sexual likening that neither of us had ever experienced! Our innate ability to communicate our wants has afforded us comfort, pleasure, and security. We rationally discuss our qualms; issues, both miniscule and massive; rules of discussion/arguments/fights; foibles; and other things as they come up. All of this is without realizing it, her mild OCPD works well with my rational mind and my messy organization-style works with her creative side.
I am a scientist, she is an artist. We complement one another in every way possible: help with character defects, discuss a wide variety of topics from Czarist Russian history to the latest advances in physics without missing a beat, educate, support, foster creativity, and deeply love each other. I am honoured to say that we are currently engaged and plan to wed on 07.04.19. I am the luckiest man in history. (And I the luckiest woman!)
One of our daily rituals is to write down two things we are grateful for in a journal. If a major issue arises, we state the issue and exchange gratitude lists. This allows me to ponder the issue and understand her feeling (which, I rarely can articulate on my own). Following this separation, we can then approach the subject in a calm, cool, and collected manor.
We have only had to do this one time — I am an alcoholic and she saw in our bank statement a purchase at a liquor store. She was concerned and thought that I had relapsed. By utilizing our predetermined discussion scenario, I was able to quell the (understandable) feelings she was having by explaining that I was helping a fellow alcoholic in active addiction to stay safe until he could get into a detox facility.
When we read this article, we couldn’t help but to exclaim “This is us!” After reading this article, we’ve decided to use a “safe word” to indicate that one of us needs to walk away and compose our thoughts before coming back to the argument. However, we thought it pertinent to mention that this article ought to be taken as general guidelines in lieu of a rule book as every pairing is different. For example, most people do not have the same friendship/history that we do as a foundation for our romantic relationship and many people may find it difficult to initially relate to the INTJ/INTF personality pairing.
Finally, I wanted to mention that we sat here together writing this comment. What a wonderful way to spend a Saturday morning!
I’m missing an INTJ so much my heart physically hurts.
I am an INTJ 26 year old male. If you would like we could try to be friends?
Derek, if you’re still looking for a friend, please let me know. Type 5 INFJ, here.
I hope your heart’s been healing, Jessica, and hopefully you’ve reunited with your INTJ. 🙁
I met my INTJ and I know how it feels just to think how perfect he is to me (INFJ) as a friend, a future lover and a person. I don’t want to miss my INTJ meaning I want to be with him forever 😢
I read this and wasn’t sure to leave any comments, but decided it might be useful to somebody who reads this.
I’m an INTJ female, had been in a really good friendship with an INFJ male for more than 20 years before he finally asked me to properly date each other.
Both of us were in some relationships before, we actually talked and shared it. He knows I was in a mentally abusive relationship, and I know he was put in a live changing decission by his ex. We didn’t talk intensively but we kept in check to each other.
When we finally got together, I wasn’t sure if I could see him more than just a good friend. However, slowly but surely, his patience gives me hope to my self.
Not only introvert, I am not expressive (a rather poker face one which maybe not surprising to most INTJ) and it is difficult for me to process my own feeling. I can’t word it out properly. But I learnt something from him… INFJ is very patient… as long as you tell them to wait.
There was this time when we were in a disagreement and my feelings couldn’t keep up.. I shouted, “Wait! I can’t word it out… let me sort out my feelings and my mind.” He went silent and just sat in front of me, waiting for more than 30 min until I started talking.
So dear fellow INTJs… it’s not like we don’t feel… we just couldn’t identify it yet. All wee need to do is take deep breath and reflect… the feelings will come to your mind and your can (eventually) word it out (somehow)…
This is interesting. I’m learning these cognitive functions so late in life and everything I’ve read seems to be spot on.
I’m INTJ female with a rather abusive past. My best friend is an INFJ male who has patiently helped me sort out my emotions as I had buried them deep inside for over 20 years.
He always mentions his feelings and says, “Do you know what I mean?” My answer is always “no.” I tend to question him, ask him why and how he came to that and he never really has a logical answer… at least to me. It’s not intentional, it’s just that I have a hard time identifying what those emotions are. Three days later, it dawns on me what it is and then I understand his perspective.
Our conversations have always been the most fulfilling I’ve ever had and I always value what he says. It’s good to know the INFJ is patient because sometimes I wonder if what I say scares him away, but a few days later, he’s there for me again.
Thanks for the insight.
As an INTJ, I really love INFJs, but it’s so difficult to find the right one as they’re pretty rare. Relationship with INFJ could be the best thing of all – my close friend is INFJ and she’s such an amazing person, I really want to find someone like her. Thanks for a great article!
I’m an INFJ in a 22 year relationship with an INTJ, both in our early 40s. For the last eight years, we’ve been going through an increasingly difficult time in our relationship.
As I read all the wonderful comments about this pairing here and other places, I feel increasingly nostalgic for a time when we were just as amazing and equally hopeless for where we are now.
Is there anyone else out there that’s stuck it out this long or longer?
Ok, felt moved to comment.
Both Brits, she’s INTJ, I’m INFJ. Together 21 years – oldest child now 21, then a 16, then a 13 year old. When it’s good, no-one else understands me. If we fight, its devastating (for both of us). Recently it’s been easier – job changes, some therapy (y’know…). I don’t believe it’s MBTI determining it all, but it does help understand each other.
If you want it to work, you can find a way. (In the meantime – be kind!)
Yes and it’s been a difficult time. However, the idea of separating when in conflict may be beyond brilliant. I think it is important to add into the equation (I’m the INTJ) the influences of nurture and karma.
I just meet an INFJ and myself an INTJ male. I generally prefer a book or learning something new than having a woman around. Then she came along, and six months later I told her to go steady with me as I don’t want to waste any more of my time being without her. She stubbornly refused, as I know her ex was still what she felt for….even though he told her its over a year back. Typical INFJ can’t leave a bad relationship…….I don’t care if she does not want me, I just want her to get over her x and move on…..before she is too old to get someone else.
As for me I will just happily get back to my reading.
INFJ male here who ran into an INTJ female recently. I can definitely see a future together if she weren’t already married. I’ve never met someone so direct, honest, blunt, and loyal, qualities I value very much in a relationship. I need someone who wants to understand me, stands up to me, criticizes my behaviour (privately), and accepts me. It’s so difficult for me in a relationship when people don’t say what they mean, are untrustworthy, or don’t stand up for what they value, or are over-compromising and filled with anger, or unwilling to develop themselves. This INTJ avoids all these difficult pitfalls and she says she’s never been understood so profoundly before in her life.
She’s also incredibly loyal. Another trait I very much admire, but in this case, it’s working against me. :^/
I am a 26 years old INFJ woman married for 4 years and having a child. 3 years ago I met my best friend, an INTJ who got married 3 months later after we met one another. Now he is 34. I dream we were working partners as we complement one another excellently. However, it’s 3 weeks we don’t speak one to another as he seas our friendship as a threat to his family. He thinks I have feelings for him and says he won’t be able to control the situation if it gets deeper. I have written sincere messages to him promising that this relationship won’t go out of the friendzone and I have explained how valuable he is to me. I have promised to behave more maturly in future. He told me not to write to him, he would contact me if interested. Now I feel very worthless. Congrats to those INFJ and INTJ couples that are together. I am really happy to know you made it ))))
I’m an INFJ and my boyfriend is an INTJ. We’ve been dating for 2 years, and I’ve been purposefully researching INTJs so I can understand how his brain ticks. Obviously as an INFJ I hate fighting, so my research as been focused on “resolving arguments.” This article was perfect, namely the section on INFJ becoming the “inept thinker” and the INTJ becoming the “inept feeler.” Spot on. Deadly accurate description.
Again, as in INFJ fighting is scary. It just is. I’m scared that if we separate to “cool off,” we’ll never reconcile because we’ll never see each other again. But, here are strategies that have worked for us, maybe other INFJ/INTJ readers will find it useful:
1. Be brutally honest INFJs! Assume that the INTJ has NO IDEA what you are feeling. INTJs are “data people”…so give them data. Tell them exactly how you are feeling, be calm and straightforward. FYI, it’s better to share how you typically feel in an argument when you aren’t actually arguing…it’s gives the INTJ an opportunity to process the information in a non-stressful environment.
2. Make “no-brainer rules” that ANY decent person would find reasonable. Again rules…INTJs can easily process rules. For example…”We are not going to take each other for granted.” “We are never going to belittle each other.” “Even if we fight, I love you, and I am not leaving this relationship. Do you feel the same?”
3. Beat the INTJ to the punch…tell them about themselves, and how it affects you. This seemed to impress my boyfriend (that I knew what he was thinking). For example “I know that you don’t like to stay in an argument. I know you’d rather leave and cool off. But…when we separate, I am scared that I will never hear from you again. I will only feel better if we resolve the argument. How can we fix this?”
4. And just for the INFJs happiness…know when to say no. Know your red flags. INFJs have a tendency to hang on too long in bad relationships. We let toxic behavior slip, because we think it “can change.” Sometimes it can’t. So here is what I do, maybe it will help: One and done. IF someone demonstrates a “red flag behavior,” here is what I do. (1) I educate them and BLUNTLY say: “x” behavior is not acceptable. It has to stop. Do not treat me like that again. (2) If it happens again, then end it. Luckily, my boyfriend as changed immediately when I approach him as such. (And I for him).
So the short version: be blunt. INTJs are awesome people, but you need to spell out your feelings.
Yeah I know those are unnatural behaviors for INFJs. But you can do it. Just takes practice and a super nice INTJ boyfriend/girlfriend to work through it with you.
Thanks for the comment. I think that is good advice for INFJs. As an INFJ myself, I’ve noticed that being radically honest with what is going on with me has worked in all areas of my life. Not just with my INTJ partner. Most people don’t know what’s going on with us as easily as we know what is going on with them, so it helps to tell them. Stuff like: “Hey, I’d love to comment on that but I’m a post processor. I will need some time to think on it. Can we address this issue again tomorrow?” Or, “I know I just said something that probably came across as more harsh than I intended. Here’s what’s going on for me. Are we good?” Thanks again for sharing your experience. 🙂
INFJ male 36 years old here.
INFJs, Please listen to me carefully. Here is my real life.
From 4. “INFJs have a tendency to hang on too long in bad relationships. We let toxic behavior slip, because we think it “can change.””
I was in 8+ years relationship. And I am now married to this same women for 3+ years (Cannot remember the exact times). I saw many things that I find it will be hard to get along with this women from the start of the relationship. But I kept telling myself “She can change”.
Friends, I am wrong for my whole life. I cried when I read 4. How did I let this happened to this women? I am a piece of trash. I dont deserve her love.
I love her. But I know that I cannot get along with her. (No, she is neither INFJ nor INTJ). I am in a real pain.
I am in the process of a divorce from a ten year relationship. It should not have lasted as long as it did, but children were involved. It took me forever to see that the marriage wasn’t bad for me, but also the children. They were observing a loveless and one-sided relationship. When I connected the dots, I didn’t want my children repeating those patterns in their future relationships. I still have a hard time letting go of my desire to rescue my ex… She meant the world to me… I apparently didn’t mean the world to her, expect only in the beginning of the relationship… Hopefully, we will be better co-parents together.
THANK YOU gi,
GREATLY APPRECIATED ON THE HEALS OF THIS AWESOME ARTICLE !!!!!!!!
INFJ female w INTJ partner, male, 4 years
“The conversations never get old.” So very true! 35+ years for this INFJ married to an INTJ. I was nearly late this morning because once again, we attempted to solve the world’s problems over morning coffee. It still surprises both of us how in-sync we are.
For a long time my relationship with my wife was the same as yours but 10 years after we were started ‘dating’ we both began to change slowly, more like the other. I wanted to be a better person and get into leadership roles, my wife was diagnosed with medical issues that both changed our perspectives and outlook.
My wife has had to second guess her outlook and what her body was able to handle and I believe over those next 10 years of the relationship we have ‘switched’ roles. I can tell she is fighting herself over trusting her own INFJ feelings and of course I have been trying to live in the moment like she did.
It’s so strange to be able to see this now because when we first got together it felt irrational that I needed to be with her. I didn’t need a reason to be close to her. I just needed to be there with her.
It’s only been a year or two that I have really dug in to learn about personality types to help myself in my work and home life. It took awhile to figure out my wife… I never needed to fully understand her before. She is my other half.
Jan, I am glad that your relationship as blossomed for so long without any major changes. I hope this helps in case you both start becoming more like each other!
This is definitely one of the most relatable and useful Myers-Briggs articles I’ve perused tonight, so I’ll share my story too.
I’m a 19 year old INFJ. I was in a peaceful relationship for two years in high school when an INTJ came and swept me off my feet. The INTJ and I were in the same drama club together for an entire year, but being introverts, we didn’t notice each other at all. When we were pushed together under social circumstances, to my horror, I quickly realized that he was more interesting and more fun to be around than my own boyfriend. I knew I had to break up with the guy because I had very quickly fallen for this INTJ, a total weirdo, an incredible intellectual who showed me all kinds of music I’ve never heard of and talked about philosophical theories that always peaked my interest.
The INTJ and I had a very short relationship. When things got rough, he would retreat into himself. I didn’t know what an INTJ was at this point in time. I wanted him to talk out his feelings with me, or spend more time with me. When he wanted alone time, I would misinterpret that as “he suddenly hates me.” We’d only been together for three months, but to him, the rational thing to do when two people had problems was to break up. But I find it nearly impossible to move on when I’m still in love.
I waited two weeks to let us cool down (the first time I’m learning to handle an INTJ). Then I reached out again. I asked to remain friends, but I ended up kissing him.
Shortly after, I started college 3 hours away. I was going to visit him once a month as his casual sex partner. The idea drove me insane but I preferred it over never talking to him again. In college, I tried developing a fresh bond with an ENFJ. Unfortunately, that ENFJ turned out to be incredibly manipulative.
Over the phone, I told the INTJ about everything. He listened intently, and offered to verbally destroy the ENFJ for me. I knew then that I was still completely in sync with this INTJ. I developed a newfound respect for him. He would rarely text back, but when he did, it would be something wacky or perplexing. I would visit him once a month, and instead of just sex, we would have a lot of fun.
Very slowly, I could tell I was becoming his most important friend. He would say he doesn’t know what love is, but then he’d tell me that he wouldn’t know what he’d do without me. When I asked him why even stuck around if he didn’t love me, he’d say, “I care very deeply about you.” Unflinchingly. It was very confusing.
He asked me out again last summer, then broke up with me three months later because the expectations of being in a relationship felt like “too much pressure.” I know this boy so well it didn’t even surprise me. I’m still in love. And he is still enthusiastic to see me whenever I visit town. We’re going to exchange Christmas gifts, and go to the city together. We’re so young and stupid. But yeah, that’s my experience with an INTJ who is very slowly developing his emotional skills.
Amy,
No idea if you’ll get any notification or see this reply but I thought it was worth a shot.
As a male INTJ whose deepest intimate connections have only been with female INFJs, your post definitely resonated with me. Several things you said remind me very much of how those INFJ’s in my life have probably viewed me.
Even though me and him are different people, I think I may be able to give a little insight into what is going on in his head.
When I was his age, I struggled badly with the concept of relationships on a very deep level that I had trouble articulating to those around me, even those closest to me, especially since I didn’t really have any grasp of what the problem was myself. I just knew and felt something was wrong about it all.
This often gives the appearance of not caring about those around me, which is (paradoxically) completely the opposite of reality; I do and always have cared deeply about those around me, especially those who I share an intimate connection with.
Particularly when I was younger, I would find myself in situations where I was distancing myself (intimately) from people I cared very deeply about, if only because I didn’t want to partake in something that I couldn’t completely wrap my mind around (relationships). It’s was totally bewildering to those around me.
Trying (and failing) to make people around me understand how much I cared about them while all this was going on was super painful and just made me want to throw my hands up and say “fuck it” even more. Which I did, for a long time.
It took me a very long time before I started to develop a worldview and understanding that allowed me to form healthy relationships again. The guy in your story may not be as deeply conflicted as I was, but it sounds to me like he’s struggling with many of the same basic questions.
I could spend a lot of time elaborating on that, but for now I want you to know that it makes perfect sense to me that he’s treated the relationship the way he has, yet has no problems saying how much he cares about you (and I have ZERO doubt that he means it, completely). I also suspect that intuitively you’re not THAT shocked by it, as strange as it seems.
I would be very surprised if the two of you didn’t end up staying close for a long time, probably forever, unless you chose to break off ties with him for your own reasons. But, knowing most INFJ females that I’ve known, I suspect that no matter what you do you’ll never stop having a spot for him in your heart and life.
Be prepared for a bumpy ride and understand that he’s likely dealing with things on an exceptionally deep level that he isn’t sure he can articulate to those around him, and he probably doesn’t see the value in doing so even if he could. I’ll stop before I ramble too far, but I thought maybe you’d appreciate that insight. Good luck!
Thanks Will. I may not be Amy, but your response did provide me some comfort. I appreciate you taking the time to share that. Thank you. 🙂
“But, knowing most INFJ females that I’ve known, I suspect that no matter what you do you’ll never stop having a spot for him in your heart and life.”
This is so true.
INFJ female here.
Would luv any input on how to put my infj sensitivity to good use in letting go of my intj best guy friend I ever had, like a twin brother in my mind. He has stonewalled for years at a time, locked the door to our relationship. It happened twice before, and both times he came back to me but it took years! We both have had mental health issues and both sought help, and my health stabilized. He seems to have become a complete recluse from more than just me. My main question is how do mental health issues impact infj-intj friendship issues, and how each responds?? Any articles yet?? Thx so much, SP
INFJ here, married to my INTJ husband for 4 years plus. Everything you said is spot on, it’s just that the driving analogy is completely opposite for us. I am the one who obsess to get to our destination as quick and efficient as possible, while he is the one who pays attention more on music and comfort while driving lol. I am so competitive on the road while he is so chill and laid back.
Thanks for bringing that up, Gurl interrupted! I had thought the same thing when I read the article. As an INFJ, I am way more concerned with choosing the fastest possible route and making the necessary lane changes well in advance, whereas my INTJ husband spends so much time in his head he is usually on autopilot. We get in more fights in the car because I am always asking, “Why did you choose to make a left-hand turn in the busiest intersection in town when you could have bipassed it?”
Haha that’s exactly the kind of words I’d say (and he’d hate) when he’s driving! Most of the time I consciously hold myself from commenting because I know he hates it and we’d argue a bit. But sometimes I let it loose too. Like whenever he misses a good parking spot I just couldn’t help myself “why didn’t you park there, that’s nearer to the exit! Did you not see it? Man, I’m so much better at finding parking spots!”
Ditto!!
Hey Charis, Just stopping by doing some research on an ESFJ for an INTJ female. Couldn’t help but notice similarities with the extroverted feeling aspect.
I wanted also to thank you for being the catalyst for getting me out of my Ni/Fi loop I was in when I asked about my ex INFP GF, you really helped in a big way to resolve those feelings and I finally got my answer from another INFP about 2 years after studying INFPs. The site here was helpful and your email responses were too. I just wanted you to know how appreciative I am for help and diligence. Thank you. 🙂
On a lighter note and as a suggestion with your husband, it may help if he’s driving and you’re riding shotgun, try and keep yourself occupied by reading something aloud to him with your eyes focused on either a book or phone during the trip. I think that you may have slipped into your accuracy mode when he was driving, and if you are an accuracy user like the INTP or INFJ and you say something to an INTJ it can come across as a criticism to his effectiveness, then the ego defenses go up he slips into Authenticity and it results in an argument. INTJs as you know are very prideful of their competence, and if what someone that they value such as yourself critiques them they take it way harder than that of a stranger, because they are more vulnerable when they love and care about someone. His getting angry is a good sign by the way that he deeply cares for you and values your opinion and values you. I hope this helps. 🙂
Hi Jacques! Thanks for your feedback. Your insight helps a lot. You are spot on about the need for NTJs to be perceived as competent – especially by people they value and respect. I have recently been exploring how data is perceived so differently by Ti vs Te. To Ti, data is just data. Not necessarily actionable, but always interesting. To Te, data should be actionable. What is the point of sharing it if there isn’t a purpose to it? Or an underlying message or intention. I think that was the biggest misunderstanding in the early years of my marriage to my INTJ. He would assume I had some underlying intent to my words, when in reality I was trying to be radically honest and open as I could be. I will try to implement some of your suggestions the next time we are in the car. And when I inevitably do something that questions his competency, I will remember your words and try to do some damage control. Thanks again! 🙂
You’re welcome Charis! Do you mind if I ask you a question about Ti that confuses me? You said that Ti isn’t necessarily actionable. So is this like someone being a big talker? It seems very similar to Ni..
I have a friend that I think is an INFJ, however she is often not very Fe in the way she speaks, in fact she seems very closed lipped about her feelings for the most part, and when we do speak I try to bring up important things about life and family and what not that would appeal to her. I try to keep my logic to a minimum.
I think what I’m getting at is that when people use extroverted feeling they tend to just say what’s on their mind, however I have to remember to read between the lines, and get really intuitive to look for the feelings behind the words in order to validate those feelings. ie. she has an ex husband and she said “I’d be surprised if he takes the kids for the weekend” I intuit this to mean that she expects to be “disappointed” as he has a track record of not wanting to see the kids. Is this Fe in action?
I am INFJ woman and just had my first experience dating and INTJ man. This article really summed it up perfectly. We enjoyed each other’s company so much, it was like we go into our own little world and talk, debate, joke, laugh — even just being in one another’s presence was calming, comforting. It was really rare and lovely. I’m sad to say that in the end, our break up was over a difference in values. Sharing similar values between these two is key because if the INTJ can rationalize his/her values but they make the INFJ feel insecure or and safe, you’re at an impasse.
As an INFJ,I had a hard time understanding my INTJ boyfriend early on relationship but praise God we were able to get through it. Being in a long distance relationship helped us reflect on issues more often and avoid big arguments. Knowing him made me understand personal differences even better and molded me to become patient (I like someone who replies faster but he is the type of person who doesn’t text back right away unless it isn’t urgent Hahaha).
The greatest stumbling block for us would be, me being emotionally high maintenance (sometimes) and him being clueless about how I feel. I most of the time overthinks and he’s preoccupied.
We almost broke up twice, first because I was still immature that time (I was 19) and felt like he already lost interest on our relationship. I was sure it was the end but he did not give up on me, he instead gave me a month to think things over. After a month he was the first one to reach out since he knew I will never call him first even if I wanted to ( 😀 ). The second time was worse, he was the one who asked for some time and space. Being INFJ, I decided to end the relationship feeling like I’m being a burden to him and thinking he does not love me anymore. It took us 7 months of no constant communication before finally patching things up which he initiated. Nevertheless, we were able to deal with our differences and realized we have this world only we can understand. He once said he tried discussing our topics to his friend but none of them can relate.
I know we still have many years ahead of us and what I’ve learned here would help us deal with whatever we’ll face in the future. With God’s grace and guidance 🙂
I’m an INTJ female and my husband is an INFJ. We’ve been together 11 yrs and both found this assessment incredibly accurate! We were laughing at how accurate many parts were. The car model explanation was immensely helpful. I knew there was a pattern to our ‘big’ arguments but they are so infrequent I could not identify that we both work from the 10YR function. After so long together we generally operate from co-pilot but we have many decades ahead of us. I’m sure bearing this in mind will help for unavoidable ‘big’ arguments in the future. Thank you for posting.
Thank you!! I am in 2+ year relationship as an INTJ female with an INFJ male. We have very few arguments, but when we really do they are ‘big’ but hard to find a pattern. This Car model was the perfect explanation! And your comments and seeing you found benefit after 10+ year even gives me more hope that we are not anomalous. Thank you Kate for commenting! And Thank you Andre Solo for writing this article
Elle, i don’t know how i can comfort you. because i have somebody that i care deeply for, we’re an INFJ/INTJ friendship, and i know how much you must’ve cared for him. Likewise with my INTJ she’s my best friend in the whole world, and funny thing is that compared to most friendships, i barely know her. But i know exactly who she is, and i love her for that (if that makes any sense) i care deeply about her, and i know that she cares deeply about me. to lose her would be the end of my happiness for a long time. (I’ve lost a father, so that i know how that kind of pain feels, and how it can drastically change one’s life)
When an INFJ and an INTJ become friends, or partners, it is the real thing. So i know how much you have to be pained by this. Rest assured that for everything there is a season, you’ll get through this when the time is right.
Best wishes, an INFJ
I’m an INTJ and my late INFJ significant other sadly passed away.
During the time we were together – I have never met someone that balanced me, made me see where I could be irrational and simply brought out the best in me as I’m a true believer if – if you have love ❤️ then love is all you need.
I miss him so much for I have never fallen so hard for a person because with him being an INFJ he simply understood me and for once I do don’t have to explain myself to him. We truely were amazing and I wish there was another him – When I’m ready and able to go back into the dating scene I wish and hope to find another INFJ as I know that are our true match, but due to losing him only recently. I’m just not ready to make that transition as at the moment that’s not the way anyone truely in love would find possible! I had met the greatest person I felt whole and now at least I know what it takes to date someone like me who has always felt a little left of the middle.
Elle, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your late INFJ. It sounds like you two had many treasured years together. I’m glad you were able to find him and thank you for your touching comment.
This really is a great article! I’m an INFJ who’s never been in an official relationship with an INTJ (or anyone, for that matter), but I do have a friend who I had a complicated, intense, and passionate past with.
We were in our twenties and we were drawn to each other, but neither one of us was equipped to start a truly vulnerable conversation about it. On top of that, we had different views on faith and spirituality (he lost his faith a long time ago) and that held me back a great deal. It kept us from sleeping with each other.
Now, it’s almost 10 years later and he’s on his second long-term relationship since we stopped our two-year do-si-do and I can’t help but think that he should be with someone more substantial. She’s a sweet and talented girl (if I had to guess her type, I’d say she’s an ENFP), but I’ve been having these feelings and thoughts lately that he should be with me. I don’t know their relationship well, but I sense I understand him better than she does in some ways.
I know he still has feelings for me, but he’s happy in his current relationship and we still have completely different views on faith, but I can’t help to think that maybe that’s okay if it means being understood in other deep ways.
Perhaps we’ll always just be this love that never was; a relationship that can’t be tarnished with reality.
Le sigh.
Great article. I didn’t know there were many of these pairings. I’m an INTJ female and my husband of 29 years is an INFJ male. Your analysis of the INTJ/INFJ argument is spot on.
This is the best article I’ve ever read on INTJ/INFJ!
Both my wife of 12 years and I agree this describes us perfectly.
I agree with a lot of the comments above. It takes work for it to be fulfilling. As an INTJ it took me a long time to be able to communicate to others that I do care about the human effects of a system or solution. It took my INFJ a long time for her to believe that I cared too!
Both have to be willing to grow. Once they mature a bit they really are the Gokden couple.
I couldn’t imagine a deep intimate relationship with any other type. They just don’t get me and honestly, I don’t see how an INFJ could be fully understood by any other type.
I am so happy that you feel you have a great relationship with your significant other! I feel I would have to agree with the above comment. As an INFJ I have tried to openly foster friendships with INTJs and have come away feeling deeply hurt, angry that I let them get to me, and sad that they have been unable to get over their “God” complex. That being said, I do believe that there are healthy INTJs to be found. I just havet met any yet. I find that the ones who are unhealthy have the complex…
I’m an INTJ and I’ve had a past relationship with an INFJ, to which turned out…less than optimal. She turned out to be very insecure nearing the end of our two-year relationship and was afraid of commitment and became increasingly shallow. Though she blocked herself off after the breakup (half of which was guilt, and the other half due to my curiosity which only made her guilt worse), she came to a point of opening up just enough that I finally understood her point of view and it was both the most painful and relevatory few months of my life. Through her choosing to break up, I grew and she fell as a result. I’m only 19, but I see myself as a really well balanced INTJ. I know you said you know they’re out there; but since you were the last comment and I’m the proof, I figured I’d just let you know lol. Reading this article makes me very much want another INFJ in my life, even as just a friend. The proportion of unhealthy mentalities to healthy ones is disturbingly high, but I’m confident I’ll find someone already on my path with me.
This article is so confirming. I am a female INTJ who borders on INFJ. My closest male friend is the same. We can talk for ten hours straight without feeling bored or drained. Quiet time together is peaceful and relaxing. We both feel as if we are completely understood and known by the other, which is something we haven’t been able to experience with other people. We both had long term marriages to opposite personalities, and it was disastrous for each of us. Being with other personality types can quickly drain and frustrate us. We are quirky and share a bizarre sense of humor. We spend a lot of time laughing while others look at us strangely. I feel most at home with my INTJ/INFJ friend. We don’t feel the need to try and change each other, and rarely need to compromise because we are so similar. I have read several times that my perfect match would be an ENFP. ENFP’s drive me nuts after a very short time together and I am constantly fighting the urge to try to change them. Thanks for the confirmation.
Hi Linda, INTJ female here. I’d love to know your star/sun sign and that of your best friend if you don’t mind. I’m a Jungian Astrology enthusiast. I’m on the lookout for my INFJ, though I’ve read that when INTJs stop looking that’s when they find their match (hopefully INFJ for me). My sister is INFJ and we’ve had a lot of 10 year old style fights, but after so many years and only just diagnosing our MBTI types do I now understand why we get along so well. I always thought she was my crutch cos I value her opinion very much and look up to her even though I’m the older one. Now it bothers me less cos I need help that only she can give, being INFJ, my sister and my closest confidant. Great article Andre and great point Vioanna about your husband helping you develop your feeling side…exactly why I want an INFJ…to balance me out. And I believe only someone like me who understands me can help me learn (I’m as stubborn as a ram *wink, wink*) as I value very few people’s opinions. That’s why I agree with the ENFP comment, though I don’t think I’ve ever dated one…too many differences to feel safe enough to relax and learn. I could be wrong though.
I gotta say, this article is nearly a perfect example of my relationship with my husband I’m an INTJ and he’s an INFJ, which is an interesting mix since we’re both rare even for our types.
I met him in high school and he became my best friend in the most natural way I’ve ever befriended someone. While he may not get every single thing I say, he just completely gets me. We’ve come to describe ourselves as two sides of the same coin.
For example, he comes to his ideas of the universe, life, and consciousness from a more Zen way and I come in with hard critical thinking and science. But well both see that the natural flow of nature falls in the same way.
He’s majorly helped me develop my feeling into something that takes in more consideration of people rather than the facts around them. It’s help me let go of any need of control I thought went into a relationship.
The portion on fights and resolution is perfect. We have been together for 6 years so far, and we’ve always the ability to compromise since day one. We’ve learned recently through long (and cooled down) discussion what it means to resolve issues with space. It’s been a big help to understand that and not yet caught up fighting like 10 year old. Now nearly every disagreement is a building block because we learn more about each other. I really couldn’t imagine my energy existing without his. It’s a yin and yang kind of thing. He’s really my perfect balance.
I think INTJ/INFJ relationships should be left to highly mature and healthy people. I had a relationship as an INFJ with three different INTJs and they were each a bit of a nightmare by the end. My inability to feel secure in myself and their inability to see past their strong views didn’t equal a healthy and growth-oriented relationship. If, however, an INFJ is able to feel like they are “enough” as they are (ie deeply emotional while their INTJ partner is deeply logical), and if an INTJ can let go of their pride and gain a little more empathy for the fact that others think and feel differently from each them, then I think it could be a very invigorating and growth oriented relationship, just like you said. When these things aren’t the case, the INFJ gets into a constant state of being triggered and the INTJ into a constant state of feeling stifled.
Not trying to rain on your article, as I think it’s great! But I don’t necessarily agree that this pairing is always a smooth one. It takes a ton of work for the benefits it provides, much more than some other pairings.
For example, I’m with an ENFJ now, and the biggest issue we have is we’re constantly trying to make each other happy and forgetting our needs. But it’s so ridiculous and clearly out of love, so our starting point for working on this issue comes from a really positive place. Feels much different and much more growth oriented than my past relationships, in part because I’m with a feeler, but also in part because I’ve gained just a little bit more of that maturity I mentioned in the beginning 😉
Very good points AS, I agree those are the big stumbling blocks!
You are so right. I think we could say that about any relationship, in fact. The success of the relationship is extremely reliant on the health of both individuals.
As an INFJ married to an INTJ for 15 years, I completely concur that there can be hardships… especially if both parties are not focused on growth and compromise. Both types fear vulnerability so much that it takes years to strip away the layers of protection and reach true intimacy. It took my husband and me 10 years to get to a point of true intimacy. We were both living in our 10-year-old cognitive functions. I was pragmatic and emotionless and he was given to spontaneous explosions which I despised him for. I viewed it as weakness.
Once I started to grow and step into my copilot of Harmony, he started to feel safer. I think INTJs have a harder time finding that safety and being willing to open to it. Now he is the most attentive, kind and thoughtful person I have ever met. But it took a lot of work to get him there, and it took a lot of work to get me to a place where I could trust him and help him to trust me.
Ten years may seem like a long time to make a relationship work, but it was the familiarity of him that kept me going. Our effortless conversations. The safety I felt to be myself. I knew he loved me unconditionally and understood me profoundly, and that made up for a lifetime of never feeling understood.
Again though, it is hugely important that both people are focused on personal growth, as with any successful relationship. I don’t believe there is such a thing as a “Golden Couple,” but if there is, one person’s lack of self-awareness can sink any relationship, IMO.
This is beautiful, Charis! What an amazing love story – and a real one at that <3
Awww, thanks. It still isn’t perfect, but it has taken too much work to even consider wanting to start over. I just got him where I want him! 😉
So comforting to hear! Am searching for these encouraging gems.
INFJ here, and I love INTJs. Just haven’t found the right one yet.