The most common misconception about Introverts and Extraverts is their relationship to people. If you’re shy, it’s assumed you’re an Introvert. If you love to party, it’s assumed that you’re an Extravert. While there is a measure of truth to this, there is a far more accurate answer.
When you distill it down to its essence, the actual difference between Introverts and Extraverts is this: for Introverts, the inner world is the ‘real world’. For Extraverts, the external world is the ‘real world’. This is why Introverts will pause slightly before they speak, as if they’re making sure their words first resonant internally before they put it out ‘to the world’. Extraverts are the opposite – they’ll often speak while they’re thinking, as if hearing it outside of themselves helps them determine the value or truth of their own statement.
So, how does this impact their relationship with people? Not everything in the external world is going to resonate with the complex internal world of the Introvert. In fact, much of the world does not. Introverts are put in the position of constantly filtering information and calibrating it to what they know to be true internally. This can be quite taxing after a while, and time to themselves becomes a necessary reprieve.
The exception to this is when an Introvert makes space for another person in that ‘inner world’. This is most commonly seen when they mate or develop an extremely tight bond. That other person no longer is at odds with the ‘internal world’ as they have their own place there. It’s been reported by Introverts that they could actually spend all their time with that person, and usually feel lonely when that person is away.
On the other hand, Extraverts feel the most ‘at home’ when they are interacting with their environment. As a general rule, variety is stimulating and the more people they come in contact with, the more interesting it all is. Too much time to themselves leaves them bored and restless, and they need to interact with their environment to ‘recharge’. This doesn’t always require people – simply going for a walk, getting out-and-about or studying interesting things can be enough.
We all make places for special people inside of ourselves. As Extraverts are charged and fueled by the variety of their environment, if they spend too much time with a single person it can almost begin to feel like being alone. Intending no insult to their loved one, they can become restless and want to ‘get out into the world’ with or without that person accompanying them. Introverts, gun-shy from years of having to ‘calibrate’ to the outside world, can become bashful and protective of their energy. Extraverts, realizing other people are full of new information and energy can become extremely social to pursue that energy. But each person is unique, and how the two frames of mind exhibit themselves can be nuanced.
For example, Introverts can become ‘pontificators’ – people who take control of the conversation and its subject. Instead of calibrating to the outside world, they attempt to force the outside world to calibrate to their ‘inner world’. In these situations, doing all the talking avoids a back-and-forth conversation that quickly wears on the Introvert. An alternative example is the Extravert who is very aware of, and can fear, approval and disapproval of others. Since that is the ‘real world’, disapproval feels like an objective evaluation, and a resulting shyness can come over the Extravert that dearly wants to be social.
Each of us experience life differently, and we develop a variety of strategies to get us through life. When it comes down it, however, an Introvert is happiest when life is resonating with how they feel on the inside, and an Extravert is happiest when they can explore the outside world to their heart’s content.
There is an approximately 50/50 split in the population between Introverts and Extraverts.
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Isabel Briggs Myers
How are "Sensors" and "Intuitives" Different?
33 comments
Hey Cherie, sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Completely forgot about my post here! :x
I really hope you’re able to settle on your type, I know how frustrating it can feel to be confused about it. =/ Thank you very much for the suggestion; I will absolutely relay that on to my wife.
She’s an ENTJ, and she’s had a hard time with connecting with other women throughout her life—she does want those connections though. Her sisters are okay, but she gets frustrated with how irrational they can be about solving their various life problems. They always ask her for advice but they never actually heed it. They are a safe place for her, but she isn’t entirely fulfilled with them. =/
Just thanks, Steven, for bringing this up. Sounds like me! I have been thinking I am INFJ and now looking at ENFJ after joining the new Intuitive Awakening group and getting a closer look at lots of different intuitive type examples. I test as an I because I live as an introvert and have come to believe I am, but that has a lot to do with the circumstances of where I live and my lack of self-confidence. Hope your wife can find a group of friends to help her open up. I traveled to a workshop not long ago and had the most amazing time in a group of like-minded women. If one of the self-confident extroverts had not befriended me the first day, it would have been difficult in a group of strangers, though.
“An alternative example is the Extravert who is very aware of, and can fear, approval and disapproval of others. Since that is the ‘real world’, disapproval feels like an objective evaluation, and a resulting shyness can come over the Extravert that dearly wants to be social.”
My wife has this same quirk. Nurture can definitely pull a fast one over on nature sometimes.
She’s been gaining confidence over the years, but she has a fairly clear split of things she likes and does not like to do for outings, and both sets technically fill the whole ‘experiencing a variety of things’ deal.
The outings she likes are things such as: the zoo, museums, the beach, festivals, movies, the mall, going out with her sister(s)/mother. The ones she dreads are almost categorically defined as any social gathering where she is expected to interact with people (at length) whom she doesn’t have a deep bond of trust with. Those leave her plagued with anxiety and self-doubt; they’re highly exhausting for her.
It’s really sad, because she is so intelligent, insightful, funny, open-minded, and … ahhh, the word eludes me.. I want to say evenhanded? I just wish others could see that in her more often. They’d become addicted to her like I have, and then she’d have all positive feedback she needs to feel more confident.
I suppose I should be happy to have her all to myself, but I’d be happier if she were happier.
To be balanced, we need to use both front seat passengers in our car. One is extraverted and one is intraverted. It is possible for you to only use the extraverted processes of your car, but it isn’t optimal. Growth and happiness come from exploring the world that is opposite your driver process. If you are an extravert, you need to explore your inner world at times. A completely extraverted life is not sustainable, in my opinion.
I have to say that I strongly believe that it is possible for someone to be 100 extrovert.
I started college again after many years and I still for the past 15 years, come up as 100 extrovert.
I know that that it matches who I ham socially very much. I am the life of the party, I am the one that is there for others