Podcast - Episode 0211 - Enneagram Instincts In Romantic Relationships

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• Enneagram Roadmap
• Enneagram type blended with instinctual drive creates our subtypes
• If there are nine positions on the enneagram and three instinctual drives we have 27 different subtypes.
• Subtypes/instinctual drives: self-preservation/social/sexual (one-to-one).
• All three drives have a different element of relationship that they focus on.
• Self-preservation is about a person’s relationship with themselves.
• Sexual is a person’s relationship with one other person.
• Social is a person’s relationship to the group.
• We each lead with one subtype. Then we have an auxiliary and inferior.
• Joel is social primarily, sexual auxiliary, and self-preservation inferior.
• Antonia is a sexual primary, self-preservation auxiliary, social inferior.
• Sexual shows up for Antonia by putting her relationship with Joel as her top priority.
• Self-preservation is a direct survival tactic. Thinking of yourself and focusing on safety.
• Sexual (one-to-one) focuses on a bond with one person to create safety.
• Social sees safety in numbers.
• Triune brain theory: lizard brain (base needs), mammalian brain (connection to other humans), cerebral brain (neocortex)
• Lizard – self-preservation
• Mammalian – sexual
• Cerebral – social
• All based on survival strategies.
• Social: about being liked, having resource, safety net of people. Being kicked out of the tribe is terrifying.
• Sexual: survival is based upon important one-to-one bonds. Being kicked out of the tribe isn’t so bad as long as there is at least one bond.
• All of these strategies are deeply unconscious.
• They emerge from survival strategies that are so instinctual they are part of our wiring.
• One-to-One: Soul spelunking – get to see self through another person’s eyes.
• Social: learns about self in the midst of the group.
• Fuse relationships – deeply spiritual bonds with one other person.
• Self-preservation probably experiences a spiritual fulfillment from knowing how to protect self.
• If we have a different survival tactic from our partner, they will be looking for different things to meet their needs.
• Sexual: a romantic relationship where she can fuse with another human being is the single most important thing in Antonia’s life.
• If you are a sexual subtype dominant and your partner is not, you may need to take the lead in the soul spelunking.
• Joel takes the lead in social dynamics like the podcast and meetups.
• Relationships introduce us to new perspectives on the world that broaden our viewpoints.
• Self-preservation is higher in Antonia’s stack, so she made sure her daughter was signed up for karate classes.
• Antonia doesn’t think in terms of social broadcasting since social is her blindspot.
• Joel being a social subtype has given her a platform to share her life’s work.
• Being able to have a convo around your blind spots and how your partner can step up and fill your weaknesses can be powerful.
• Be willing to let go of expectations of spouse if they don’t have the same survival wiring as you do, but be grateful for what they do bring.
• Social subtypes like to get social credit for the things they do.
• Sexual subtypes like to be attractive to other people.
• Self-preservation exhibits in weird ways for Joel as his inferior – worried about germs and where the exits are.
• Can come up as a childlike false read. The fears aren’t legit.
• Self-preservation: tied into safety, protective of everyone and everything, worried about resource reliability.
• Sexual subtypes can fuse with people other than their spouse. It can be a parent, close friend, or sibling.
• Sexual subtypes want to be there for their fuse partners, especially in survival scenarios.
• An introvert that is social may think of themselves as an extravert because they crave the group dynamic.
• Whereas an extravert that is a sexual (one-to-one) may try to escape the group to create intimacy.
• This would explain why some introverts look like extraverts and vice versa.
• A sexual subtype may need to let their social subtype partner have a wider circle of friends.
• Self-preservation people may feel oppressive at times by being overly concerned with safety.
• Give your self-preservation partner the thing they need to feel safe. Don’t dismiss their concerns.
• Make a list of you and your partner’s subtypes.
• How do they show up?
• Where are the crossovers?
• Where is the conflict?
• Where are the opportunities for amazingness?

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