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In this episode, Joel and Antonia talk about how our Enneagram instincts (self-preservation – social – sexual) influence our romantic relationships.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- Enneagram Roadmap
- Enneagram type blended with instinctual drive creates our subtypes
- If there are nine positions on the enneagram and three instinctual drives we have 27 different subtypes.
- Subtypes/instinctual drives: self-preservation/social/sexual (one-to-one).
- All three drives have a different element of relationship that they focus on.
- Self-preservation is about a person’s relationship with themselves.
- Sexual is a person’s relationship with one other person.
- Social is a person’s relationship to the group.
- We each lead with one subtype. Then we have an auxiliary and inferior.
- Joel is social primarily, sexual auxiliary, and self-preservation inferior.
- Antonia is a sexual primary, self-preservation auxiliary, social inferior.
- Sexual shows up for Antonia by putting her relationship with Joel as her top priority.
- Self-preservation is a direct survival tactic. Thinking of yourself and focusing on safety.
- Sexual (one-to-one) focuses on a bond with one person to create safety.
- Social sees safety in numbers.
- Triune brain theory: lizard brain (base needs), mammalian brain (connection to other humans), cerebral brain (neocortex)
- Lizard – self-preservation
- Mammalian – sexual
- Cerebral – social
- All based on survival strategies.
- Social: about being liked, having resource, safety net of people. Being kicked out of the tribe is terrifying.
- Sexual: survival is based upon important one-to-one bonds. Being kicked out of the tribe isn’t so bad as long as there is at least one bond.
- All of these strategies are deeply unconscious.
- They emerge from survival strategies that are so instinctual they are part of our wiring.
- One-to-One: Soul spelunking – get to see self through another person’s eyes.
- Social: learns about self in the midst of the group.
- Fuse relationships – deeply spiritual bonds with one other person.
- Self-preservation probably experiences a spiritual fulfillment from knowing how to protect self.
- If we have a different survival tactic from our partner, they will be looking for different things to meet their needs.
- Sexual: a romantic relationship where she can fuse with another human being is the single most important thing in Antonia’s life.
- If you are a sexual subtype dominant and your partner is not, you may need to take the lead in the soul spelunking.
- Joel takes the lead in social dynamics like the podcast and meetups.
- Relationships introduce us to new perspectives on the world that broaden our viewpoints.
- Self-preservation is higher in Antonia’s stack, so she made sure her daughter was signed up for karate classes.
- Antonia doesn’t think in terms of social broadcasting since social is her blindspot.
- Joel being a social subtype has given her a platform to share her life’s work.
- Being able to have a convo around your blind spots and how your partner can step up and fill your weaknesses can be powerful.
- Be willing to let go of expectations of spouse if they don’t have the same survival wiring as you do, but be grateful for what they do bring.
- Social subtypes like to get social credit for the things they do.
- Sexual subtypes like to be attractive to other people.
- Self-preservation exhibits in weird ways for Joel as his inferior – worried about germs and where the exits are.
- Can come up as a childlike false read. The fears aren’t legit.
- Self-preservation: tied into safety, protective of everyone and everything, worried about resource reliability.
- Sexual subtypes can fuse with people other than their spouse. It can be a parent, close friend, or sibling.
- Sexual subtypes want to be there for their fuse partners, especially in survival scenarios.
- An introvert that is social may think of themselves as an extravert because they crave the group dynamic.
- Whereas an extravert that is a sexual (one-to-one) may try to escape the group to create intimacy.
- This would explain why some introverts look like extraverts and vice versa.
- A sexual subtype may need to let their social subtype partner have a wider circle of friends.
- Self-preservation people may feel oppressive at times by being overly concerned with safety.
- Give your self-preservation partner the thing they need to feel safe. Don’t dismiss their concerns.
- Make a list of you and your partner’s subtypes.
- How do they show up?
- Where are the crossovers?
- Where is the conflict?
- Where are the opportunities for amazingness?
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12 comments
Really loved this episode and found it really illuminating. Though as someone who leads with the self-preservation instinct, I’d love some more context regarding that particular instinct, as it wasn’t discussed much compared to social or 1-1. I believe my secondary to be 1-1, as I prefer 1-1 relationships to group ones, but have trouble letting my guard down, or at least knowing the right people with whom to do so.
As someone with the social instinct first and the sexual instinct last, I personally find the instinctual drives to be really fascinating and useful. The positioning of the instincts really has given me fascinating insight into my own subconscious behaviors as I go through life.
For instance, I’m someone who is really great with being in groups. Group social situations or when I’m just part of a community or a team working towards a goal are really rewarding and energizing for me. However, on the flip side I’m very hesitant in building one to one relationships. I often find myself shying away from them in a way that is really uncharacteristic. The Sx instinct is clearly a blind spot for me, and when I think about it, most of the times I have developed strong bonds with individuals were either coincidental because I was around them constantly and/or the other person really took a lot of effort to get to know me.
I also find that I might be friends with someone in a group and really enjoy hanging out with them. But, when we’re alone, I just don’t really know what to say and do. As a result, I have tons of acquaintances and casual friends but few friends who are extremely close and connected with me.
I’m also very hesitant towards the idea of intimacy in general. I would consider myself to be warm and friendly and fairly open, but the idea of intimacy usually just makes me slam the breaks of the hypothetical car. I’ve known other people to be like this because of some sort of trauma in their past. But I’ve never been traumatized in a way that would lead to that sort of hesitancy. So, I honestly think that’s just the way I am naturally.
This pattern has always been present in my life when I think about it. As a kid, I would be really social in a group environment like a class or an extracurricular. But, I would never really feel comfortable one on one. This has always continued. I realize that a lot of my perceived introversion has just actually been my underdeveloped Sx blindspot, which is really interesting. It sort of ties Enneagram and MBTI together in my mind. I’m an ENFP, I clearly lead with extroverted intuition. But I can come across as an introvert in situations where one on one connections are super important because of my instinctual Enneagram stacking. It’s odd because I drawn in energy from seemingly everything in the outside world except one on one bonds.
One time I read a comment that so/sp and sp/so individuals are truly cold and cut off from others. But honestly, it’s not like that at all. I’m rather reserved one on one, but that’s mostly because I’m uncomfortable and essentially out of my element. So, I always need to feel the need to make it clear that my frankly awkward and uncomfortable nature in one on one situations does not make me cold. Though I assume that everyone reading this can probably understand that since it’s rather misleading to generalize like that.