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In this episode, Joel and Antonia go on a journey of discovery where they showcase the need for positively expressed Introverted Feeling in today’s world.
In this podcast you’ll find:
- Introverted Feeling (Fi) – “Authenticity”
- Identity crisis – Fi struggles to know who they are
- Because of that, they recognize that people, in general, have the same struggle
- Fi sometimes resists the notion that it is okay to follow their core identity.
- Fi gets the message that it is selfish to pursue what feels right.
- Fi is very internal and subjective
- Not selfish so much as self-focused – the self is the guiding star for Fi
- A lot of the self is not acceptable to the outside world.
- “The more personal something is, the more universal it is.”
- The gift Fi gives is the ability to tune into core values and share the nuanced fidelity of human interactions and emotions.
- A coal miner for your heart
- Without Fi, you mistake one motivation for all motivations
- “This person voted for this candidate, which means they are this type of person.”
- No one ever has a single motivation.
- FPs end up in the arts because it explores the complexity of human motivations.
- People don’t know why they do what they do.
- Every public defender’s office is probably staffed with a lot of FPs because they see the need to defend the complexity of human emotion.
- No one is 100% pure evil like no one is 100% good.
- Good vs. bad is a social construct.
- Life-affirming things over life-negating things.
- “Doth Protest Too Much” when people are judgmental of other’s motivations.
- Every villain began as a victim.
- Civility is a thin veneer.
- The darkness is there, and it will come out eventually.
- What we resist persists.
- Fi uses emotions to find truths others would find offensive.
- It feels impossible to Fi to describe an incredibly complex emotion.
- Fi is better at demonstration than explanation, which is why they are usually artists in some way.
- Introverted Thinking (Ti) is better at explanation than demonstration
- Fi deals in narratives and stories and finds the truth inside the story.
- Motivations = gas in your car
- Core values = guard rails
- We are making up our reason for doing things all the time. We think they are legit, but they are arbitrary.
- Bullshit reasons = rationalizations
- We get what we want at the end of the day then we rationalize why it happened.
- Fi understands that we have stories for everything, but it doesn’t make them true.
- People don’t want to give up their victimhood.
- Something happens to us then we create stories to explain why it happened.
- Our stories are malleable. We can choose the more empowering one.
- Healthy Fi allows us to look at our narratives and ask ourselves if our stories are limiting us.
- When Fi isn’t healthy, it will take an event and paint it in an impenetrable, inarguable way.
- Because Fi is so good with stories, and it can’t make things happen in the outer world because Te is a weakness, so it tries to paint a picture to get the outcome it wants.
- Fi people often couch things in a way that isn’t completely accurate to get the result it wants.
- Stories/narratives are extremely powerful.
- Learn to spot the Disingenuous spin
- Spin your narratives in a way that makes you feel empowered.
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Narrative casting is a way to unlock a pathway forward to avoid getting stuck.
- Why do I care about this?
- What am I preserving?
- To what end?
- Drive down the motivation road. Keep asking why.
- Narrative casting is proactive.
- Diagnosis needs to come first.
- Fi is the most closely tied to ego/identity
- Every new way of experiencing things is an identity change.
- Narrative casting spins the story in an effort to protect the ego.
- “Be sure you’re right, then go ahead.” Davy Crockett
- Gain mastery over yourself first.
- We are all going to die alone.
- Who you start life with will be different from who we finish our lives with.
- You are the origination point for the decisions you make.
- You are sovereign.
- I’m the only one who gets to determine what I want to be.
- “Why does your selfishness of how you want to be trump my selfishness to be who I want to be?”
- Fi can go within and be incredibly self-reflective.
- “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron
- Shadow artist – no permission to be the artist you want to be so you hang around the edges of those who are doing what you won’t permit yourself to do.
- Roles are shadow artists to the true you.
- Your life is the character. You are the art.
- Don’t spin the narrative; become the narrative.
- People who are exceptional at Fi become the models that we all need.
- Fi sees the benefits of seeing people more kindly.
- Fi provides Kindness training – Kindness toward others and ourselves
- Fi can inspire others because it believes in people beyond reason or logic sometimes.
- Fi can create magic in the world because it can see the magic in the world.
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27 comments
INTP married to an INFP here. Antonia, I totally understood what you were saying about Fi users seeing the best in us and thereby making us rise to fulfill their beliefs. I was raised by an ISTP mother and an INTJ father and there was ::ahem:: not a lot of affirmation happening. The thing is, my husband always feels like he fails because he doesn’t verbally affirm me as often as he thinks he should, but as I’ve told him, he shows that he affirms me in so many ways I don’t really need the verbal affirmation (although that is still my primary love language). I found myself nodding in agreement many times listening!
As a funny side note, having Ti as my primary cognitive function, I am extremely conscious of speaking precisely. My husband commented recently that on those rare occasions that I am sloppy in my speech, it REALLY bothers him, almost like he feels as if he’s having a conversation with someone other than me. I said, “that’s interesting because that describes exactly how I feel on the rare occasions you are insensitive.” It is funny how much we rely on the other’s driver process in our communication!
Great podcast.
Thank you for using this convo as a way to understand your daughter and family better. <3
A
ISTJ married to an ISTJ (why, yes we are a BARREL of fun… ha ha) 2 sons ISTJ, ESTJ… and one daughter, the youngest at 20 an INFP. In my quest to better understand her I listened and thoroughly enjoyed! Since I have Fi in my stack of course I saw some of this in myself, but I totally see how this manifests so differently in her! She opens up for the rest of us things we’d NEVER EVER see! Great podcast :)
I absolutely love the analogy of core values as a guard rail to reign in the motivations. There have been times that I have literally had to step back and essentially reel my brain back into alignment with my values before my dominant Ne and tertiary Te paired up and kicked my values out the window.
I can think of one example from when I was a senior in high school. In high school, my survival strategy was to fly under the radar socially. I figured that my peers wouldn’t be mean to me and would leave me alone if I just went more or less incognito. So, a friend and I were walking outside to our cars in the parking lot after school one day. On our way out the door, something to the effect of my friend accidentally bumping into another guy happens. The other student proceeds to begin to cuss him out. I have a tendency to be very protective of my friends, so I cut him off and essentially call him an “unlikeable asshlole” when he implied that he thought his actions were correct.
This individual frequently hung out with the “popular crowd” and he was convinced they really were his friends. But you could tell they really weren’t. And from having classes with a few of these people, I had names of people who trashed him behind his back. I like to metaphorically imagine Ne and Te in this case sort of plotting all the ways I could really dig into this person’s skin. But something stopped me and I held my tongue. It was sort of as if Fi jumped in and asked if how I acted was in accordance with my values. And no, it absolutely was not. And this could have ended up causing problems with the individuals I would have essentially utilized as ammunition. I think they might have been more inclined to react as in “Wow, he’s finally gone. Thanks!” But I had no problems with these people and as far as I am concerned they had no reasons to have problems with me. I didn’t want to spend the last few months before graduation in gigantic drama that was caused by actions that didn’t feel authentic or correct to me in the first place. So, I was able to reign in the really intense burst of anger I felt. I later jokingly recounted this to my best friend as acting worth an Academy Award, an Oscar, and an Emmy.
As an ENFP though, the think I often find that I love about my fellow FPs is the ability to have conversations about motivation and to be able to communicate with people who can see the good and bad motivations common to us all like I can. I see so many people who want to point fingers and declare things “completely good” or “completely bad.” But there’s really so much nuance to be had. Albeit, I do think that some truly heinous actions can override the good. But most people don’t come anywhere near levels of atrocities like becoming a mass shooter.
I also think the understanding of motivations is what makes the FP types often very accepting of other people. Not to say they can’t be judge mental or that that other types are not accepting. Obviously, there’s other factors and there are always going to be places where Fi will draw the line (usually this deals with another person directly acting against a core value held by the FP) But because Fi can hold that space, I feel that it allows them to picture themselves in another’s shoes more easily.
I also find that as an Fi user, I find stories to be extremely valuable in getting my message across. It might seem like I’m trying to sway the conversation to myself. But really I’m exploring whatever the other person brought up, often in tandem with Ne, to find a connection between our experiences. To show, “Hey you’re not alone as you might think.” Then again, I’ve always loved stories. I go around telling myself stories in my head while mentally playing in an Ne sandbox. And as a child into my teen years, I seldom left the house without a book.
Though this can all be a double edged sword and trick the Fi user into thinking that they have a darkness and are alone in it. I personally will look at my more selfish motivations and think of how, if these come through (which they might), I can be seen as cold and uncaring. Although I know this really isn’t the truth at all. I’ve received much more feedback indicating that I’m a genuinely friendly and sincere person. But I can still see how my own internal desires to protect myself and my own willingness to ruthlessly cut out toxic individuals from my life (even if they’re family) could possibly appear to outsiders or people that don’t know as much about how universal motivations are. Of course, when I’ve adopted these thought patterns and behaviors, I’ve been compelled to do so. I don’t let these motivations take the reins lightly. And I’ve also seen these motivations manifest in others, which is also comforting.
Yes, having IF in my 3 yr old spot, I do get push back. Family members say “Why do you always have to play devil’s advocate?”. It’s because I want to understand what is really going on with others. So yes I am accused of excusing people even though I am not excusing behaviors. Yes, changes change identity constantly for my IF as an ENTJ. I have to keep allowing my identity to change, in career, relationships etc. A new job isn’t just a new job. Yes, people always tell me I am inspiring to them. Thank you for saying that that inspiration can be brought in-house to myself. Downside of IF is being brutally honest about what is going on for self and others — I find that relieving but not everyone around me always does. They often do later after the fact.